Almost exactly one year ago, I bought some MDMA from a trusted dealer in London. He told me it wasn’t great quality, but the price was low. At that time it was very difficult to get good quality MDMA in London due to the recent Safrole ban. He’d never sold me anything bad before, so I trusted him. I dabbed a bit in his house and it didn’t do anything. He suggested snorting a bit if I wanted a stronger effect. When I got home a few days later, that is exactly what I did.
Within about 10 minutes I was fired out of my mind at 1000 miles an hour. I couldn’t see. I felt extremely dizzy and could hear my heart thumping in my head. I started having open eye visuals. It wasn’t pleasant at all. I didn’t realise at the time, but this was my first panic attack. Soon, I had a headache that felt like my brain was trying to escape from my skull. My nose started bleeding and I decided to phone for an ambulance.
I tripped hard for the next 8 hours. Subtle open eye visuals (moving patterns, changing colours and macropsia) the whole time, but really confused thoughts and waves of panic every 20 mins or so. My heart rate stabilised and the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me (not that they looked very hard), so I came home and tried to sleep. I still had eyes like saucers the next day and was still having panic attacks every few hours. At the time though, I didn’t realise it was panic. I thought I’d screwed my brain permanently…
Over the next 3 months I continued having symptoms constantly including; frequent panic attacks that would even wake me up in my sleep, insomnia that lasted for days, extreme pain in my head and jaw, a feeling of the world being unreal (derealisation) and the feeling of not being in my own body (depersonalisation), nightmares when I eventually did get to sleep, flashes and shapes in my peripheral vision among many other symptoms.
After a couple of days of this, I began to research my symptoms online. Dr Google was sure that I had a brain tumour or permanent drug psychosis or perhaps a degenerative brain disease. And everyone I asked about it was an expert with gems such as “You’ve probably taken that drug that gives you Parkinsons, some girl died of it the other week you know…”, “Yea, you’re probably going to die. It’s basically like snorting CJD” etc. There were very few resources and most of the advice I got useless. Luckily, I learned enough to help myself recover, but I’m writing this to save some of you the bother.
Acceptance
Within seconds of snorting that drug, I got high… really high... higher than I was used to in such a short space of time. Being a naturally nervous person, I panicked. The combined stress of the drug and my reaction produced an extreme stress response known as a panic attack. My lack of experience with this sensation was self perpetuating which is the essence of an anxiety disorder.
In my case (and in most substance induced cases), the anxiety came from the fear that I would never feel normal again. That maybe I’d screwed up my mind permanently and I would never be as I was. Dwelling on these kinds thoughts will make you feel more derealised, more spaced out and more anxious. You must remember anxiety symptoms are a stress response, by becoming more stressed you will make the anxiety stronger.
I experienced all of the following symptoms: Extreme tension headaches, visual disturbances (starbursts, increased afterimages, floaters, trails, visual snow), loss of balance, jaw pain, vertigo, tinnitus, tachycardia (irregular heartbeat), derealisation/depersonalisation, confusion, memory loss and many others…
At the time I didn’t realise anxiety could produce these profoundly physical and debilitating effects. I thought this could only be the result of brain damage, a permanent chemical imbalance perhaps? Maybe a tumour!?! I was sure I was going to die and I wanted it to be over as soon as possible. The symptoms were frankly terrifying, but I soon found all of the above are common with anxiety/panic disorders and it’s by no means an exhaustive list. Anxiety effects people in different ways. I’ve heard of people having even more extreme responses. See a list here for examples: http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-symptoms.shtml
Coping Strategy
The first thing you have to realise is; a panic attack can’t kill you. None of these symptoms can. It’s a natural response to stress. The worst thing that’ll happen is you’ll feel quite tired afterwards. Perhaps a helpful side effect if you’re having trouble getting to sleep!
When you experience panic or anxiety symptoms, the natural response is to try to fight it. Bad move! Think about it; if you’re fighting it you’re only becoming more stressed. You’re releasing more and more stress hormones that, in turn, deepen and perpetuate your anxiety!
An analogy I heard was to imagine someone is holding a gun to your head and saying “If you panic, I’ll shoot you”. Obviously, in that situation you’re going to panic, so how can you avoid being shot? This is the hard part, but the most important principle to master. It goes against human nature, but you must train yourself to ignore your symptoms. Reacting to anxiety, feeds it more. Studying it, especially when you’re having regular panic attacks, also increases your anxiety. Even though it’s counterintuitive; the sooner you learn to pretend it’s not there, the sooner your anxiety symptoms will lessen.
A common explanation about the causes of anxiety is raised cortisol/adrenalin levels and the liver having difficulty processing it. It was suggested to me to lay off all mood altering substances to give my liver a chance to recover. This includes caffeine (even in tea, chocolate and soft drinks), sugary foods, alcohol and, of course, illegal drugs. I also started a low GI diet. Both of these seemed to help a lot.
Another common suggestion is to use vitamin supplements, but beware as some of these may make you feel worse. The main supplement I was advised to use was Vitamin B complex. This only made me feel more anxious and made me smell like Bran Flakes. Didn’t really go with my aftershave, so I gave that a miss. And 5-HTP, which supposedly promotes relaxation, produced a response too similar to coming up on MDMA. However, if I felt especially anxious, magnesium seemed to level me out in a couple of hours. Regular consumption of Omega 3/6/9 also helped, presumably as they promote neuronal growth and are neuroprotective; basically healing and fortifying the brain and improving cognitive and memory abilities.
It should also be noted, cortisol production is at it’s highest in the mornings. Cortisol is a major stress hormone and you may feel more anxious at that time. I’m not sure of the science behind it, but a single dose of aspirin can apparently reduce high cortisol levels and it did seem to help me.
I also found it reassuring to see a GP, just to ensure that it was anxiety (it’s incredibly unlikely to be anything else). Many GPs feel it necessary to prescribe a benzodiazapene such as citalopram or diazepam. In my experience, medication didn’t particularly help many of my friends recover from their anxiety issues, it simply numbed the symptoms and I choose not to use them. However, if the symptoms seem unbearable, it may be useful for you to ask for a low dose of antidepressants just to help you to adjust.
After 1 month of applying the above strategy, I found myself going to a rollercoaster park with a friend even though I felt anxious and I’d had no sleep. Surviving the worst rides there made me feel more confident though my personality was all over the place. I was definitely much more quiet and introverted than normal. About 3/4 months later, I found my symptoms had abated hugely and I could function pretty much as I had before.
Recovery
I suppose what you’re asking now is “Will I return back to normal again?”. What you have to realise is, you haven’t changed. You’re perceiving yourself differently because of the increased stress. Truth be told, you’ve probably always been an anxious person. You just perceive it more strongly now.
Studies suggest that people prone to anxiety also experience; tinnitus, visual snow, brain fog, dizziness throughout their lives, but most people don’t notice these symptoms until they experience their first panic attack. Bluntly, you’ve always been this way and, in time, you’ll find you feel as you did before.
It took me about 4-6 months to feel normal again, but I still experience some of the symptoms mainly jaw pain and dizziness, but one year ago I couldn’t drink any alcohol or coffee without having a panic attack or severe head pains. Even months later, vodka hangovers and strong energy drinks would result in waves of panic, so self medication was out of the question. Now, all of that is gone. I probably drink too much coffee now and I can go out and booze up as hard as I used to. But I choose not to. If any good came out of my anxiety it was realising that my body can only take so much partying. I treat myself with a lot more respect.
Recovery checklist:
- lay off drugs, caffeine (tea, coffee, soft drinks, chocolate), very sugary foods and alcohol
- low GI diet
- magnesium and omega 3/6/9 supplement
- do NOT study your anxiety (especially not in the early stages). You'll only make it stronger that way. You must treat it like a child having a tantrum. Ignore it...
- I found spending a lot of time outdoors helped me, but any kind of exercise is good for the mind as well as the body.
Give it 3/4 months and I promise you will feel a lot better!!
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