I seem to attract people with darkness in them to me

[lior]

I think there must be something so fundamentally messed up about me, that I end up experiencing more of the same dark stuff.

The men I've been attracting to me recently have all been through a lot, and not very happy people. This last one has really jolted me into seeing it. We haven't formally ended it but I can't go on like this.

• M - suicidal and revealed he's addicted to prostitutes this week.
  
• A - ex cheated on him, dumped him, then revealed she was pregnant from the other guy. A has been in the marines and seen some awful stuff
  
• B - routinely cheated on ex, revealed to me on first date (there was no second)
  
• another A - was not in a very dark place. Had been a carer for his disabled mum. Lovely guy, and he left me because he moved out of town
  
• G - smokes weed constantly, lives with his parents aged 30, deep issues with father & masculinity. I ended it with him

Some of these men used me as a person to vent to about dark things very early on... and this felt normal for me, because this is what I grew up with (this is the root of my depression and anxiety - my mum using me as a counsellor for her dark past). I don't know how to smell out a person who's going to be bad for me. Actually maybe I do, but when it involves potential romance and sex, I become blind to it, maybe - I can see it in potential friends and colleagues - I can see if we're going to clash.

It reflects so badly on me that I've attracted these people. They have been alright looking and sometimes accomplished. I'm further on in my mental health journey than they all were. I want to be with someone that helps me grow, rather than needs me to help them heal. I don't want to need someone else to heal me - I want to be with someone that knows how to own their own stuff and knows how to let me own my own stuff, and we could challenge each other to grow more. Where do I find these people that have been through lots of therapy and who are out the other side?

Maybe I'm not in a place where I would be good for someone who is mentally healthy. Is there such thing as a truly healthy relationship? So many people are tolerant of dysfunctional relationships. I don't think I can tolerate the level of unhealthy relationship that I seem to keep starting these days.

I feel unusually lonely. I'm reeling from the prostitute addiction revelation. It makes me feel sick. That's another post though!

Maybe there are some people in the world who could be ok with being in a relationship with someone that needs lots of support. I am not one of those people because it specifically triggers my own depression and anxiety. I also think it's different when you're in a close loving relationship for a long time... these guys have all been short term things that have been more bad than good - more pain than pleasure.

This has been a bad run of unhealthy romance and I need to make sure I end this, and move on to healthier ways of being. Any advice out there?

[AntsyVee]

I think any of us who have been in a dysfunctional relationship have had to come to terms with this fact: If we ourselves are dysfunctional, we will only be attracted to others who are dysfunctional.

I myself went through some bad breakups and relationships before I learned this about myself. I had a bad childhood in a dysfunctional family and I learned some bad habits that I didn't know I had until I got into serious relationships. I found great guys who I couldn't keep, and then I would switch over to men upon which I became codependent.

I went to therapy and worked on my own issues. I began to learn why I couldn't keep the good ones and why I became codependent with the bad ones. Now I've been married over 10 years. When I have issues pop up again, I go back to therapy when I need it.

I hope what I'm saying makes sense. This article may explain it better than I can:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201511/water-why-we-attract-who-we-attract

[GlassPinata]

I think there must be something so fundamentally messed up about me, that I end up experiencing more of the same dark stuff.

The men I've been attracting to me recently have all been through a lot, and not very happy people. This last one has really jolted me into seeing it. We haven't formally ended it but I can't go on like this.

• M - suicidal and revealed he's addicted to prostitutes this week.
  
• A - ex cheated on him, dumped him, then revealed she was pregnant from the other guy. A has been in the marines and seen some awful stuff
  
• B - routinely cheated on ex, revealed to me on first date (there was no second)
  
• another A - was not in a very dark place. Had been a carer for his disabled mum. Lovely guy, and he left me because he moved out of town
  
• G - smokes weed constantly, lives with his parents aged 30, deep issues with father & masculinity. I ended it with him

Some of these men used me as a person to vent to about dark things very early on... and this felt normal for me, because this is what I grew up with (this is the root of my depression and anxiety - my mum using me as a counsellor for her dark past). I don't know how to smell out a person who's going to be bad for me. Actually maybe I do, but when it involves potential romance and sex, I become blind to it, maybe - I can see it in potential friends and colleagues - I can see if we're going to clash.

It reflects so badly on me that I've attracted these people. They have been alright looking and sometimes accomplished. I'm further on in my mental health journey than they all were. I want to be with someone that helps me grow, rather than needs me to help them heal. I don't want to need someone else to heal me - I want to be with someone that knows how to own their own stuff and knows how to let me own my own stuff, and we could challenge each other to grow more. Where do I find these people that have been through lots of therapy and who are out the other side?

Maybe I'm not in a place where I would be good for someone who is mentally healthy. Is there such thing as a truly healthy relationship? So many people are tolerant of dysfunctional relationships. I don't think I can tolerate the level of unhealthy relationship that I seem to keep starting these days.

I feel unusually lonely. I'm reeling from the prostitute addiction revelation. It makes me feel sick. That's another post though!

Maybe there are some people in the world who could be ok with being in a relationship with someone that needs lots of support. I am not one of those people because it specifically triggers my own depression and anxiety. I also think it's different when you're in a close loving relationship for a long time... these guys have all been short term things that have been more bad than good - more pain than pleasure.

This has been a bad run of unhealthy romance and I need to make sure I end this, and move on to healthier ways of being. Any advice out there?

May I ask how old you are?
I think many young women are attracted to "bad boy" types. The element of danger and excitement, etc.
As we get older, and especially once we have children, we begin to recognize the value of such qualities as stability and dependability in a man. Then these qualities which once seemed boring and a turn-off begin to seem attractive.

[snowghost57]

I had my share of bad relationships. I realize now that I was to quick to think these men were awesome and didn't take the time to really get to know them. I think it takes some time to really get to know someone. I now concentrate more on myself and not worry about meeting men, it will happen when it happens. Go out and do things you enjoy! The right guy will come along.

[Fishmanpa]

I think any of us who have been in a dysfunctional relationship have had to come to terms with this fact: If we ourselves are dysfunctional, we will only be attracted to others who are dysfunctional.

That's it in a nutshell (pun intended )

When I was in therapy after my 1st heart attack. I brought up this same subject with my therapist. At the time I had been divorced for many years and was dating a fair bit. For some reason, the women I was attracted to always turned out to be hot messes. Attractive, intelligent and drama filled bat shit crazy!

My therapist asked me: Did you ever consider that you're attracted to these women because you have some of the same qualities? That really shook my rafters. After that, I backed off from dating for a while while I got my shit together. I worked hard on myself and I think I went on maybe 3 dates in three years. When I did start dating again, I made it a point to "screen" potential dates so to speak, asking certain questions to avoid the drama filled women I had known in the past. I also realized how much I had changed and what I really was looking for in a partner.

It took over 50 years but I found such a woman She's been there for me and I for her... the true meaning of the vows we took.

Positive thoughts

[lior]

You're all spot on. I don't want to be dysfunctional. I'm really trying and I'm working hard on myself. I'm frustrated because I thought that I'd made so much progress - I'm less with it than I thought I was. I've worked so hard and it's still not enough.

This last relationship has really shaken me. I don't want this kind of story going on in my life any more. I need to make things simpler.

I've never really been attracted to 'bad boys'. I'm attracted to talented, creative, principled people who care about social justice. It seems that out of that group of people, I'm attracting the unhealthy ones.

I'm sad and frustrated that co-dependancy is probably so deep in me that it's going to take much more work than I've already done to grow out of it... something that my parents will never achieve for themselves. I don't want to wait to be 100% healthy to fall in love. I might never get to be that healthy. Argh! I'm 27 and I want to have babies one day - I can't wait forever.

AntsyVee thank you for sharing that resource, maybe that will help.

It took over 50 years but I found such a woman She's been there for me and I for her... the true meaning of the vows we took.

A story of hope thank you.

[GlassPinata]

That's it in a nutshell (pun intended )

When I was in therapy after my 1st heart attack. I brought up this same subject with my therapist. At the time I had been divorced for many years and was dating a fair bit. For some reason, the women I was attracted to always turned out to be hot messes. Attractive, intelligent and drama filled bat shit crazy!

My therapist asked me: Did you ever consider that you're attracted to these women because you have some of the same qualities? That really shook my rafters. After that, I backed off from dating for a while while I got my shit together. I worked hard on myself and I think I went on maybe 3 dates in three years. When I did start dating again, I made it a point to "screen" potential dates so to speak, asking certain questions to avoid the drama filled women I had known in the past. I also realized how much I had changed and what I really was looking for in a partner.

It took over 50 years but I found such a woman She's been there for me and I for her... the true meaning of the vows we took.

Positive thoughts

^^ A meme I saw on facebook a couple of years ago. Lol.

[Fishmanpa]

Maybe I can find it but when I was on a social dating site (the site I met my wife on), my profile was't a typical one. What I did was create an "Application for Female Relationship Engineer"

I modeled it after a job application and created questions that were important to me. Many of which were psychologically geared. I described myself as the "company" and what I was looking for in an "applicant" ~lol~

Some were direct: Are you or have you been on any psychotropic medications? If yes, what for? Total honesty was key here. One of the best answers I got was a Bill Engvall quote Let's just say "A half a Vicoden and a Bahama Mama make for a 'bitchin' day!'" ~lol~

Some were indirect but the answers spoke volumes: What was the biggest challenge you faced in your last relationship? The "candidates" I seriously considered took responsibility of their short comings and didn't lay the blame totally on the other person.

To determine their sense of humor, I asked this bonus question... What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow? Those that knew the correct answer/reply I knew had a similar sense of humor

Anyway... it goes back to knowing myself at that point in my life and what I was looking for. Incidentally, my wife's answers were awesome!

Positive thoughts

[AntsyVee]

You're all spot on. I don't want to be dysfunctional. I'm really trying and I'm working hard on myself. I'm frustrated because I thought that I'd made so much progress - I'm less with it than I thought I was. I've worked so hard and it's still not enough.

This last relationship has really shaken me. I don't want this kind of story going on in my life any more. I need to make things simpler.

I've never really been attracted to 'bad boys'. I'm attracted to talented, creative, principled people who care about social justice. It seems that out of that group of people, I'm attracting the unhealthy ones.

I'm sad and frustrated that co-dependancy is probably so deep in me that it's going to take much more work than I've already done to grow out of it... something that my parents will never achieve for themselves. I don't want to wait to be 100% healthy to fall in love. I might never get to be that healthy. Argh! I'm 27 and I want to have babies one day - I can't wait forever.

AntsyVee thank you for sharing that resource, maybe that will help.



A story of hope thank you.

There is a great book out there called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. It talks about how we adopt the dysfunctional habits that we saw in our parents' relationships and do those things in our own relationships.

Also you can't put a timetable on big events in your life. If you rush into things with someone because you're feeling your biological clock tick, that's not going to create a healthy environment for kids. Personally, I'd rather be a healthy person with no kids than be screwed up with kids. Then you're just repeating the cycle of dysfunction.

You have to change your mindset and start believing that things are in your control...otherwise you will remain codependent.