Love, anxiety and OCD

[rozza]

I'm not really sure I expect any answers to this but it is something that is bugging me more now than ever. I have suffered from pure O OCD for around 2 years now and am well on my way to overcoming the intrusive and disturbing thoughts that cause me so much anxiety although I do still have some blips.

However, I have recently met a guy (after a few months of being single following getting hurt by someone I really shouldn't have let hurt me) and have found myself starting to obsess about the fact that maybe I don't feel the way I think I feel (even though when we're together we have a great time and have so much in common) and that I'm going to end up hurting him. I don't seem to be able to just let go and have fun and maybe risk falling in love (does that even happen anymore), there's always something in the back of my mind saying to him 'don't get too close to me because I'll hurt you'.

This has happened before in a previous relationship, that relationship started too fast and fizzled out a month later because I couldn't cope, the whole thing made me stressed, which restarted my OCD and I really don't want this to happen again. This guy is great, understanding, caring, funny, cute, lovely, everything a girl could want and I met him through a close friend so if I did do anything bad I'd probably lose her friendship as well. I've got a stressful time for the next couple of weeks with university work due in and don't want to let this stress get transferred to my relationship and don't want to lose this guy through pushing him away. I'm so conscious of the hurt I caused in the last relationship and don't want it to happen again.

Anyway, it's been quite calming just to type this out and sort it in my own head! I know what I need to do is chill out. New Year, new start, no more getting stressed! Yeah right!

'All I want is to be normally insane' Marlon Brando

[lotus]

I totally understand how you feel. I have similar concerns - I constantly analyse my relationship with my boyfriend and ask myself things like "do I really love him", "what's real love", "maybe I don't even like him", "maybe I'm with him because I don't want to be alone", "maybe I'm with him just because he loves me" etc. And, to be honest, I'm not sure whether this is OCD bugging me or just my real concerns. It's so hard to distinguish the one from the other. I have so much stress in my life right now, that I can't really enjoy the relationship I have and take pleasure in it. [Duh!] Mental health stuff and how sick and weird I am is all I can think about.

There are other problems as well ... I have told him about my anxiety, panic, depression, OCD, everything, but he doesn't want to accept the fact that I am sick. He constantly tells me that there's nothing wrong with me, and that I'm just overanxious and nothing more. Which is not the case. He refuses to learn anything about these disorders. He told me that he loves me and that nothing I say or do will change that, but I constantly worry that he will leave me because things will get really bad and too hard for him to handle. And I also kind of feel guilty that being with me means that he will waste his life. He is only 21 and he deserves to be happy, to have fun, and to enjoy life. I feel like a burden to him because of all of my limitations, I'm housebound, I hardly ever go out, I'm constantly anxious and depressed, all I can talk about is my problems and concerns, we don't really do anything fun together - we don't party, we don't go to the movies, we don't do anything like that. I feel guilty most of the time. I have told him several times in the past that maybe the best thing will be to break up but we're still together. I don't know I'm really confused and asking myself so many questions to the point where my mind can't take it anymore and shuts down.

I don't even know what he likes about me. Seems like I have no personality, only mental health issues which constitute who I am.