Stress is getting the better of me:-(

[Bonnibelle]

I didn't know where to post this and have contemplated posting for a while but chickened out. I just need to get this out and if anyone can help or just send me a hug I'd appreciate it.

Ok, where do I start. Firstly I apologise if I repeat myself and this gets long.

I have had anxiety on and off since I was 19. Mine began as panic attacks and then health anxiety. A few years ago all was ok and I was feeling much better. My brother started with major paranoia and he had some kind of mental breakdown due to his personality disorder. He was violent and turned up at my house and attacked my husband infront of our children. Police were involved. A year later he chased me in my car and again he was arrested. Since that day I struggled with panic attacks again and agoraphobia developed. I then had intrusive thoughts and general anxiety set in. This was 3 years ago. During this time i lost my grandmother suddenly and my son was rushed into hospital needing an emergency operation. I eventually went private and had therapy and things got better. Then earlier this year I started struggling with fatigue, I had bloods done and I am borderline hypothyroid, low ferritin and lowish b12. These are adding to my anxiety.

My 11 year old son has been bullied all year in year 6. He started high school September, the bullying stopped once in a new school and he was fine. He had anxiety all summer after the bullying and I noticed he wouldn't go out to play with his friends and hated us going out. He had a few panic attacks too. Our GP refered him to CAMHS (Childrens Mental Health Team) and they refused to see him and just suggested a book for me to buy to help him myself. I rang the local counselling service for young people and they agreed to see my son weekly once in high school. He had 6 sessions and it did very little. He settled in to high school and his confidence grew, i thought things were going well then suddenly a month ago he told me he had suicidal thoughts all year and hadn't told anyone. He knows he can talk to me, he tells me everything. It broke me. I took him to the GP and he told his school counsellor and both referred him to CAMHS. They assessed him 2 weeks ago and told us that I am the best person to help him because I have had anxiety. He told them he is afraid people will attack him when he goes out because he witnessed my brother hurt his dad (it happened so fast I couldn't hide my children away) and because he was bullied he is afraid of teenagers. He told them he feels deeply low, has these scary thoughts of death and actually described the images he sees, it broke my heart. He has panic attacks and just always feels anxious. Then they tell me I can help him???

This has all had a HUGE impact on me. On Friday school called asking me to come in. My son had been found in the corridoor crying looking for help as he was having the worst panic attack he has ever had. I picked him up and brought him home. I can't get that image out of my head. I have panic attacks so I know how scary they are. He dusted himself off, I bought him some Rescue Remedy to take with him even if it's just a comfort thing, and yesterday he coped amazing. Today thought he had lost his Rescue Remedy and he ran back to the car when I dropped him off and told me he couldn't face going in to school. On Friday I rang and spoke to his head of year and he is now his go to if it happens again and his office is my sons safe place. He has given a card to show any teacher and it allows him to walk out of lessons no questions asked, then he comes to his office. He has been amazing. I took my son to him today and left him with him. I came home and sobbed. I have rung CAMHS and demanded they do something. My son cries to me often saying he hates his life, and he just wants to be like other 11 year olds and to not feel like this, it's why he feels so low. He assures me he won't act on any thoughts he has as he hates them but he does get very low so I live in fear

On top of all this 2 months ago I had a huge panic attack during a blood test. It was so severe I now have a fear of ever needing any medical appointment again. My agoraphobia has really flared up. In the last few weeks I have had my panic attacks return. I have a feeling I am walking on a boat, like I am all wobbly in my head and legs but I am not falling over, I just feel I am walking on a boat. Can anyone relate? aswell I have a feeling of like a ball of air pushing up into my throat and I panic I can't breath sometimes. I can breath but my throat feels full. It's strange and scary. I keep panicking do I need to see my GP, but right now I can't I spoke to him a few weeks ago about how stressed I feel and he just offered to up my meds which I do not want to do, I have been on Mirtazapine 15mg 2 years and it doesn't help, I want off it not to increase it. I hate the drug as I have gained way too much weight. My anxiety is high and I swear it's because of all the stress and all these physical feelings keep sending me into panic because I am terrified to go back to the doctors

My daughter is 10 and had a headache 6 weeks. She has seen an optician and GP and noone knows why she is having them. She has awful pain low in abdomen and lower back and the GP last week said she possibly had a UTI but the antibiotics haven't helped. So I am worrying myself sick about her. She has had so much time off so I feel terrible making her go to school when not well. She had all of last week off though.

Urgh I feel terrible. I have no support. My husband works long hours, I have no family after what happened with my brother I cut him out and as a result my sisters resented me saying he was ill and that I had broke the family up. My mum has also not been there for me. I feel I have noone. I have some good friends but none live near me but we text/chat.

Sorry to offload. I just feel terrible right now and worried about my health and my children

[MyNameIsTerry]

It must add so much pressure when your kids are struggling with illness and it must bring a range of questions & emotions over one being an anxiety disorder.

I think the attitude of CAMHS it disgraceful. Whilst the incite you have into your own son and anxiety/panic it doesn't mean you are expert of treating it. By that logic you could say a cancer survivor should treat a cancer sufferer instead of a doctor! Medical professionals say some very stupid things at times that do nothing to inspire confidence in their ability.

It is also annoying to hear them tell you to buy a book. They know full well that any medical professional in the NHS is able to write a book prescription for the ones on the NHS book list! It sounds to me like they are just fobbing you off and it is disgraceful.

There are things you can work on with the intrusive thoughts and information nis important here so that your son understands that intrusive thoughts are not dangerous nor an indication of their wish to carry them out. They are medically described as "ego dystonic", in other words the opposite of your true character and beliefs. If they are what he is having then he can work on them with knowledge such as this to reduce his reaction to them because negative reaction only reinforces them. There is information I can post about this with some links if they could help.

I hope you get more support from the NHS on these issues soon and that your own anxiety levels reduce too.

[pulisa]

Bonnibelle, I just wanted to say that I think I can empathise with your situation and it is certainly very challenging getting through the day battling your own issues let alone caring for your children who have given you such cause for concern.

From my own experience CAMHS was a waste of time. I'm not surprised at the "advice" you were given. You probably are better equipped to help your son than they are but obviously you need some decent professional support to help you manage your son's significant anxieties. If you can afford it it may be beneficial to get a one-off psychological assessment for your son and then this would set in motion NHS provision should you choose to accept any recommendations? Both my son and my daughter have been through this "mill"-you need to do some research as to which "expert" you choose to assess your son though.

As for your own symptoms I would expect to get them by the shedload whilst you are under such pressure. So long as your thyroid and other bloods related issues are being monitored I'm afraid it's inevitable that physical symptoms of anxiety will rear their ugly heads.

I try to carry on as best as I can and this means not pushing myself too much when symptoms are overpowering but still trying to deal with the routine stuff. It's not easy especially when there is no support from significant others.

I really hope you can get some professional attention for your son and that your daughter's health concerns get sorted too. You have a lot on your plate.

[Bonnibelle]

Terry - Thank you so much. That's exactly it, just because I know how my son feels that doesn't mean I can treat him. It's terrible but CAMHS do have a very bad reputation.

Thank you for your kind message. Yes the links would be most helpful.

Bon

---------- Post added at 12:14 ---------- Previous post was at 12:11 ----------

Thank you

Yes they are useless aren't they Pulisa. Why are they there if they won't help your child? How bad does a child have to be?

My daughter was taken into hospital last night and I feel terrible. They suspected appendicitis but it isn't. They have kept her in and my husband has been with her. She is still there now and I feel such a terrible mother for not being at her side :-(

My anxiety and stress levels are so high I feel terrible. I have barely slept and I feel close to panic. Hubby told me to rest today and not wory about not being there but I keep thinking i should jump in my car and go to her but I can't drive 30 minutes alone and walk into a hospital. I feel such immense stress on my body right now that panic attacks keep happening? I am terrified of one happening there and I know it would with how ill I feel right now.

I keep worrying this stress causing high anxiety will kill me so it's one big vicious circle I am in

I haven't stopped crying all morning since my boys went to school.

Thank you for your kind reply.

Bon

Bonnibelle, I just wanted to say that I think I can empathise with your situation and it is certainly very challenging getting through the day battling your own issues let alone caring for your children who have given you such cause for concern.

From my own experience CAMHS was a waste of time. I'm not surprised at the "advice" you were given. You probably are better equipped to help your son than they are but obviously you need some decent professional support to help you manage your son's significant anxieties. If you can afford it it may be beneficial to get a one-off psychological assessment for your son and then this would set in motion NHS provision should you choose to accept any recommendations? Both my son and my daughter have been through this "mill"-you need to do some research as to which "expert" you choose to assess your son though.

As for your own symptoms I would expect to get them by the shedload whilst you are under such pressure. So long as your thyroid and other bloods related issues are being monitored I'm afraid it's inevitable that physical symptoms of anxiety will rear their ugly heads.

I try to carry on as best as I can and this means not pushing myself too much when symptoms are overpowering but still trying to deal with the routine stuff. It's not easy especially when there is no support from significant others.

I really hope you can get some professional attention for your son and that your daughter's health concerns get sorted too. You have a lot on your plate.

[pulisa]

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter's hospitalisation but your husband is there and is taking charge of the situation. He knows why you can't jump in your car and go and you know why you can't jump in your car and go. If you could mentally do it you would but it's not as straightforward as that. I know you will be beating yourself up for not being at her bedside but doing this will just further deplete your ever dwindling energy reserves and you'll be at the mercy of an onslaught of panic attacks. I really understand why you can't go.

Let your husband report back to you on your daughter and I really hope you have some news soon. You'll be there for your boys when they come home from school-that's an equally responsible role.

[MyNameIsTerry]

We often talk about how mental health services are failing us but you would expect it less with children! The NHS bang on about the importance of resolving disorders quickly, which they are no good at handling anyway, so you would have thought they would have put 2+2 together to know that catching these disorders when they present in childhood is extremely important in reducing adult patients.

Here is some information that I hope will be of help:

http://psychology.tools/obsessive-co...-disorder.html
http://self-help.tools/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/
http://psychology.tools/thought-supp...-thoughts.html
http://psychology.tools/intrusive-th...-metaphor.html
http://psychology.tools/safety-behaviors-example.html

Some of those such as the last three are slightly visual which might help with a child.

I know you struggle with intrusive thoughts too, Bon. You must not think this is connected to you though. Science hasn't answered such questions adequately yet and besides epigenetics research has shown that even genes we pass on have to be activated as they are defaulted to "off" at birth so even if it were the case, something triggers it which is not your fault as growing up is stressful. This same research has proven how the process that switches a gene on can also switch it back off. Science also shows how we can modify out genes, so don't get sucked into thoughts about whether he will stay like this. OCD traits are pretty common in children and many grow out of them so perhaps with some work he will get past it. How good would that be?!

Have a read of this yourself first so you can determine if this is appropriate for him. I'm sure he will be thinking all sorts of horrible things about himself right now and this information will hopefully help explain to him how these thoughts are normal and that everyone has them throughout their lives.

It's very obvious to anyone reading this that you love your children very much. You wouldn't be beating yourself up about not being with your daughter otherwise. She will understand and she has got her dad there. Someone would always need to be looking after your boys anyway and not everyone has others that can come in and do that.

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you so much Pulisa.

In the end I drove there and spent half an hour with her in the cafe. It was so hard but I wanted to see her. I didn't feel as bad then about myself.

She is home now safe and well.

I'm very sorry to hear about your daughter's hospitalisation but your husband is there and is taking charge of the situation. He knows why you can't jump in your car and go and you know why you can't jump in your car and go. If you could mentally do it you would but it's not as straightforward as that. I know you will be beating yourself up for not being at her bedside but doing this will just further deplete your ever dwindling energy reserves and you'll be at the mercy of an onslaught of panic attacks. I really understand why you can't go.

Let your husband report back to you on your daughter and I really hope you have some news soon. You'll be there for your boys when they come home from school-that's an equally responsible role.

---------- Post added at 12:40 ---------- Previous post was at 12:28 ----------

Thank you so much for all the info Terry, I shall have a read today.

Sorry for my late reply, it's been a busy week and I haven't been feeling well as you know.

I appreciate your help.

B x

We often talk about how mental health services are failing us but you would expect it less with children! The NHS bang on about the importance of resolving disorders quickly, which they are no good at handling anyway, so you would have thought they would have put 2+2 together to know that catching these disorders when they present in childhood is extremely important in reducing adult patients.

Here is some information that I hope will be of help:

http://psychology.tools/obsessive-co...-disorder.html
http://self-help.tools/obsessive-compulsive-disorder/
http://psychology.tools/thought-supp...-thoughts.html
http://psychology.tools/intrusive-th...-metaphor.html
http://psychology.tools/safety-behaviors-example.html

Some of those such as the last three are slightly visual which might help with a child.

I know you struggle with intrusive thoughts too, Bon. You must not think this is connected to you though. Science hasn't answered such questions adequately yet and besides epigenetics research has shown that even genes we pass on have to be activated as they are defaulted to "off" at birth so even if it were the case, something triggers it which is not your fault as growing up is stressful. This same research has proven how the process that switches a gene on can also switch it back off. Science also shows how we can modify out genes, so don't get sucked into thoughts about whether he will stay like this. OCD traits are pretty common in children and many grow out of them so perhaps with some work he will get past it. How good would that be?!

Have a read of this yourself first so you can determine if this is appropriate for him. I'm sure he will be thinking all sorts of horrible things about himself right now and this information will hopefully help explain to him how these thoughts are normal and that everyone has them throughout their lives.

It's very obvious to anyone reading this that you love your children very much. You wouldn't be beating yourself up about not being with your daughter otherwise. She will understand and she has got her dad there. Someone would always need to be looking after your boys anyway and not everyone has others that can come in and do that.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Well done, Bon. That must have been tough to do but really worth it when you think how much it would have helped your little girl. I bet your husband was proud too.