Severe ROCD. Someone PLEASE help me..

[nikica]

Hello!

I've dealt with many OCD themes in the past but this has been the worst.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. We've been together for two years and it is my first relationship, we are currently long distance. I could write a book about everything I love about him, he's kind, caring, selfless, sensitive, loving, funny, and cares about me more than anything.

For the past few months I've been getting major doubts, "do I love him?", "am I just staying with him because I'm emotionally dependent not in love?", "is he the one for me?", I fixate on his flaws, I often think he's not funny enough or social enough, that he's too introverted for me, etc. even though we are so compatible and I know no relationship is perfect.

The main thing bothering me right now is that I feel like I have proof that I don't truly love him. Every dumb article I've read about "signs you're in love" as I've obsessed about this says that true love is completely selfless. I have definitely not been selfless. Sometimes I brush off his problems and worries and I'm even annoyed by them (I think because I'm so preoccupied with my own with this anxiety), I've gotten bored doing things he wants to do and I haven't always completely wanted to reciprocate during physical intimacy.

This has to mean I don't truly love him right? I'm just attached? I feel like in my case it's different, that it's not just ROCD. I feel like I'm just dependent on him because he's so good to me. Sometimes I feel so detached, so frustrated when talking to him, and it kills me.

I so desperately want to make this work, but you can't force love, and I'm so scared that somewhere deep down I don't love him. I love spending time with him, I always want to talk to him, and I miss him so much. We truly click. I can't imagine my life without him and once, when I came close to ending things, I was so so depressed for days because I didn't want to leave. But should I? I'm afraid of delaying the inevitable and making it harder on both of us in the future?

See, again I'm worried about my own feelings. Whether I feel in love enough, whether I'm going to be unhappy, when I should be more worried about hurting him right? I feel like my OCD fear of getting hurt is making me so self centered.

Has anybody experienced this? Is this ROCD? Gosh, I'm in tears as I'm typing this because I just want these thoughts to go away and I want to be happy and in love with my boyfriend like I was, or I thought I was. I just want this to go away and move on with my life, but I'm not in the position to be able to get therapy right now.

Any reply would be immensely appreciated. I'm so sorry that all of you go through this devastating illness.

Stay strong.

[beatroon]

Hi Nikica,

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Sending hugs and support virtually!

It sounds as though you have clearly identified your thoughts as ROCD, but that you are feeling very distressed by them nonetheless. So, on the positive side, you are able to identify the thoughts, which is great, but on the negative side, you are feeling understandably upset by them.

Having struggled with a similar situation, I can relate to how awful and stressful it is. Maybe it would be worth getting some additional support? You shouldn't have to feel alone with OCD. One of the things that has really helped me was doing CBT with a therapist who specialises in treating OCD and who has come across ROCD before. Gradually she has helped me to do less compulsing and checking around the relationship and things are on their way to being more normal for me.

I know that MynameisTerry, who is a really helpful poster here, has lots of resources around mindfulness, and many people find that a central thing to help deal with their OCD, so it may be worth checking that out.

Good luck! I hope this helps.