Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

Good Afternoon. After a few good nights of rest, I knew it would catch up with me because last night I barely slept 4 hours. But I had to run errands this morning, we're done now so I here talking to you. The last few weeks I've been taxing for myself working to get my next book finished. It's not like I'll sell a great number of copies, but if the book inspires or helps someone I shouldn't complain.

I'm still noticing that I don't like being away from the house for too long at a time. I suppose my anxieties are still with me or may be I'm just getting older and set in my ways. Either way, the idea that I'm putting myself out there with the website and the book tells me things have improved. I am by no stretch cured, but as long as we continue to try, we win. It's kinda like watching our granddaughter trying to walk on her own. She takes a few steps then hits the floor, but in a few minutes she's up and trying again. That's how it should be with all of us, taking a few steps, falling on our asses and getting up again. But that's only natural, life is about ups and downs, and overcoming whatever's thrown at us.

[fduop]

Good so close to the afternoon, I can taste it, to you. Over the weekend I got a message from someone who I don't know but we share a common interest. They knew me from my posting and briefly described their current situation. Upon receipt of the message I wrote back offering what I hope were some encouraging words.

Throughout my 17 year journey with anxiety and panic, I depended on myself for a lot of things including making and keeping doctor appointments, taking my medication, and searching for alternative forms of help when appointments were months apart. For around 14 or 15 years of my journey I've walked alone.

My point in telling you this isn't to toot my own horn or brag about what a strong person I am. It's to say that not until I asked for help, my self-recoveries were only temporary fixes. It wasn't until I got others involved in my recovery became more sable. Since opening up to NMP and my family, and the public (which is something you should really think about before doing); my recovery has been better and more sustainable then ever before. Is everything perfect, no. But it's a hell of a lot better.

My message today is, don't suffer alone. I'm the last person you can say, "but you don't understand", on this situation. By burying myself in self-pity and shame, I wasted valuable time I could have been spent truly getting better. Find a medical professional you trust, tell the ones you love and trust, seek counseling you trust. But if you feel they are not working out, look some more. Be proactive in getting better and love yourself warts and all.

[fduop]

Good afternoon. Well it's been a busy few days around here. Between doctor appointments, running errands, and finishing my book editing; I'm kinda glad I got to take a nap this afternoon. Still through all this busy, I got the sad news yesterday evening that a friend from high school passed away this week.

I've been out of high school 36 years, and I moved from my hometown some 22 years ago. But I do have some fond memories of those days and the people I went to school with, so it really saddened me to hear someone I grew up with had died. After the initial shock, I sent my condolences, and drifted off to bed. But for whatever reason, I woke up "bright-eyed & bushy-tailed", around 4am.

It's funny how stress can work on you without you even knowing it. You'd think after all these years I'd know when stress is going to rear it's ugly head. A good example of this is when during my check-up while my vitals all looked good; the nurse mentioned, "your blood pressures good, BUT your pulse rate is a little high." There are some things you don't tell a person with health anxieties. And even though I try and play it off in my mind, there it is. Add that to the fact that an old classmate has just passed, it's no wonder I'm up at 4 in the morning.

It's so easy to tell yourself to, "practice what you preach." It's an entirely other thing to actually do it. It all goes back to the idea of not letting up on the practices that helped you in the first place. Getting busy and putting off the maintenance that got you where you are is like; working to lose weight then deciding to get lazy again. Most everything that's good for us requires some diligence, this includes yours and my mental health. So as I prep myself to take time to breathe, let's all remember this thing we fight, anxiety and stress, never take's a day off.

[fduop]

Good morning. Thankfully, I had another good nights rest, then woke up and had my morning walk. Yesterday, I thought about how fear is such a key element with our panic and anxiety. So much so I wrote a blog post about it and posted to my website. Since expressing those thoughts, I feel a bit better about the fear I still carry.

You know, fear is a part of us rather we like it or not. If used correctly it can even save us from trouble. The problem I have is sometimes my "fear switch" doesn't turn off. So once a fearful situation occurs, it tends to replay over and over again. The thing we have to learn is the difference between real and false alarms.

A good example would be sometimes I feel the signs of low blood sugar, especially since changing diabetic meds recently. Luckily I can check my sugar fairly quickly to confirm or deny if it's true. Some things are not so simple, like my heart beating faster. For issues like that my best suggestion is look around you. Did someone upset you, did you just hear something upsetting, or are just sitting there minding your own business.

When I had my heart attack last year, I actually ignored the signs thinking it was acid reflux. It wasn't until I could hardly breathe a week later that it was confirmed, I had a heart attack. The point I'm wanting to make is, fear is in us for a reason. Wanting it completely gone is not a wise choice.

My best suggestion would be get help, have things checked out if somethings not right. One thing with me is that if I start to go somewhere and that panicky tick comes up I take a few moments breathe through it, and see what happens. More times than not, it passes. Panic was a card we were all dealt the key is, how are you going to deal with it. I hope this helps someone out there, so be aware and be proactive.

[fduop]

Good afternoon, it's been 3 days since my last confession. But to be honest, I was raised in a "semi-holiness church" (don't make me explain), so I really don't know how confession works, other than we have "testimony time" during church services. Anyway, good afternoon.

This morning I didn't check-in because I was "out of it" most of the day. You know how it is, you just can't focus, you say stupid stuff, and "you can't tell your butt from a hole in the ground", as my Grandmother used to say (hey, we're Southern). But I'm finally feeling better, so I decided to say, hey.

A friend of mine posted on social media about having compassion for people who deal with mental issues. Now I congratulate her for that, and I understand where she's coming from with a certain family situation, I just wish that more people felt that way. For many years I kept my issues to myself. So when they'd come to the surface it took some creativity on my part to cover the situation. Even through my restarting college, I had situations come up that were not proud moments, which meant changing schools every so often.

So as I finally settled on a school that could deal with my issues and I learned to deal with my issues a bit better. Still I kept tight lipped about my panic/anxiety issues with family and the public. For me a true breakthrough don't seem to come until my issues were made public as it were, last year. Again for me, it seemed to be a freeing moment in my life. Kinda like unburdening myself actually, not having to carry the shame of a mental issue around inside me.

Tying all this together with my confessional thing, I suppose I could say that confession was good for my soul. I suppose because it unburdened me of the private pain, the idea that I was all alone, and the fact that no one understood. I'm not saying you should make your private situations public. That's between you and your path to healing. All I am saying is that it helped me free myself from the burden of isolation and the problem of self-loathing.

[fduop]

I hope the admins don't mind me doing this, but I like to mention on Sunday my latest eBook TRUTH, Lies & Everything in Between goes on sale at Amazon Kindle. The book is a collection of the essays I've published on my public blog in 2014. If you like reading my crazy here, I think you may like these essays. Note the above link takes you go my (.uk) UK Amazon Author Page. If you wish to go to my (.com) US Amazon Author Page here's that link. Note that my US site also contains information about my other two books and links to my blog and website. Thanks.

[fduop]

Good morning. Glad to get back to what I do best, running my mouth. You know, as much as I love to talk or at least type, you would think I'd enjoy promoting myself. (Example, my last post.) But in all honesty, I really don't enjoy it.

In my youth I was a musician and I really enjoyed preforming. But even then I don't feel it was an ego thing as much as the joy of preforming, get what I mean? That's how it is with my writing. I simply love doing it and hope something I say helps someone. But I must say, since I've decided to try and let my passion (writing) be my primary bread winner. I guess I have to take the good with the bad. I suppose when an artist says, "Dance monkey, dance!", that's what they mean.

Anywho, my wife and I went to our grand daughter's first birthday party. Although, I still question who the parties really for, my wife had a blast. Mainly because there were babies in every corner to cuddle and hold. I did my best to be social and not try and hide in the corner. But what was most funny (ironic or whatever) was the fact that my son-in-law's family were the ones that appeared uncomfortable, looking for a corner themselves to hide.

Despite my panic and anxiety issues, I come from a pretty social upbringing. I was exposed to a lot of social events, as was my wife and our kids to a lesser extent. I don't mean to make too much out of it, but it was quite interesting. Life has a funny way of showing us things, an example being my own desire to shun attention.

But in our shared situation we tend to focus on our perceived faults and weaknesses. When in the greater world around us, any suffer the same way. Maybe that's what I should take from the day, other than an aching back and sour stomach. While looking into ourselves shouldn't be a bad thing; a lot of the time it can be. It all depends on how you treat yourself, do you do it with love or with hatred.

[fduop]

Good morning. Woke up last night at 1am my time because I had to go to the bathroom. I felt a bit sluggish, so I checked my sugar and it was a bit low. So I fixed myself a sandwich had some skin milk. Afterwards I felt more like myself so I went back to bed. Mind you, I just went to the bed. Things like this shake me up, my old mind whispers shit like "what if you hadn't woke up?" And, "better watch yourself it's just you here after all." I don't have to tell any of you how it is, I believe we've all been there.

I suppose I finally dosed off, I didn't get up till around 10am. Checked my sugar again, it was normal then had a piece of whole grain toast and some homemade preserves. (Thanks Brittney, she makes it low-sugar for me.) But this morning I popped my meds and at the moment I feel much better.

I am mentioning this simply because not every days a diamond nor is every day a plain rock. It ebbs and it flows. Maybe I'm just and old hat at this, but lately I don't seem to freak out as much as I used to. I believe it's the fact that I've become so open about who I am and how things are, that it has given me a more balanced outlookon things.

My goal here is two-fold, to give myself an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. And maybe give of myself to you how my experiences with panic/anxiety shape me. I'm going to venture into the world now, after all I got a book to promote and messages to send. My wish is that something I say helps someone. And besides, it never hurts to spread a little good Karma around when you have a rough day.

[fduop]

Good morning. I've been sitting here staring at this screen for a few minutes trying to figure out with I wanted to say. But if you think about it is that really what I should be doing. I think of my posts as a type of therapy and in most every therapy session I've been in I usually babel on about what's on my mind instead of "planning it out." I sure a few of you would say, "isn't that what he does anyway?"

Today is going to be a busy day in that we are going to pick-up a new washing machine. Normally, I'd have it delivered but since my daughter is buying it, we're not spending the extra $50 to deliver, install, and take away the old washer. Really? Yes, that what I said.

Other than that my lawn was just mowed which means my allergies are on high alert; and in our part of the country ragweed is at it's peak. Life has a interesting way of stealing your joy or at least we think so. The simple fact I should be celebrating is the idea that I can complain about the day and not be hiding under the covers wishing the anxiety and depression would go away.

So while we have have our burdens to bear keep in mind. Without burdens, how would know what living is. Take care and live each day.

[fduop]

Good morning. As much as I'd like to say last night was bad, this morning has been pretty good so far. Yesterday at dinner I had something that was good, but totally bad for me. I ended up with a really high blood sugar spike. Nothing that my meds couldn't fix but still. Anyway, I had trouble sleeping I'm sure because my self-abusing mind was quietly telling me how worthless I am. But I work-up really early, still I "feel" okay.

One of the weird, funky things about at least my situation is that it makes me withdraw inwardly. Does that make any sense to you? I see other people around me and I wonder, do they think the same way? Or can they somehow live outside that critical inner voice? I often wonder about my overly religious friends and family that believe guilt and doubt can be wiped away with just faith or wishing it away?

Maybe that's a cruel way to feel about someones beliefs, but in all honesty that's how I feel. In my efforts to improve my situation, I've tried about every trick in the book. Positive thinking, affirmations, projecting positive energy, belief, religious fervor, faith in the unseen, and even logic. But you know what? I wonder if the truth is simply a little of all of it.

We are such a social animal that I wonder if it creates such a desire within us to belong. In our situation I makes me wonder if the inward guilt and self doubt are created by the idea that we don't live up to the standard we perceive from others. Not realizing that to a certain degree other think and feel the same way. Maybe if we look at things from that prospective then we can begin the process of repairing our own messed up situation. By realizing we are not alone in our struggles. Just some food for thought.