Hello there/bad again

[beatroon]

Hi everyone

It's been a couple of months since I was active on the site, because things were going well and selfishly I didn't want to reminded (in the way that you don't) of when things were bad. But now I'm having a blip and I wanted to check back in with everyone and ask for some advice.

Two things have caused me stress in the past couple of weeks. The first is that after a period of massive doubt in my relationship due to a big crush outside the relationship, I have now definitively said to my crush-friend that I can't be friends any more. It feels good to have made that move, because the guilt of all the weird emotions was eating away at me, and I know that cognitively I need to reconnect with my partner, who is 100% the one for me, my rock and my everything. But of course, it also feels sad and weird and destabilising, because said friend was a close one who in time came to mean too much, but that doesn't mean that I don't miss the input and social and emotional support.

The second thing is that I'm job-hunting. I have had two interviews, one of which I got and turned down (because the salary was not right and the commute would have been awful), and one of which I didn't get. What surprised me is how stressful I've found it all, contemplating change. At the moment I live a nice quiet life of doing my PhD from home, and although I do want a teaching job, getting right up close to it, I realised how stressful it would suddenly be to leap into a big career. I was properly panicking that I might get the second, more high-flying job, and was relieved when I didn't. I felt that I wouldn't cope. And yet, for the past few years, all I have been thinking is 'How great it'll be when I get a full-time academic post'! What is all that about? Is it just self-doubt or fear of change? Anyone else had any similar experiences?

All of this has accumulated into a proper anxiety blip - been tearful, wanting to hide at my parents' house, feeling very uncertain and worried about everything.

Sorry for the wall of text: it is just so hard when you are highly anxious to see the wood for the trees, and I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement and wise words from you folks!

X

[MyNameIsTerry]

The grass is often greener on the other side.

We can grow close to our friends and wonder what it would be like. Sometimes it turns out well, other times it's not what we thought as we learn they aren't quite the same when the dynamics are changed.

Maybe the friendship can be rekindled once you reconnect with your partner? If they didn't want anything more than friendship, hopefully they will understand?

Starting anything new can be an issue for people with our challenges. Think about the fact you can try it and if you it's not for you, you can look towards something new. Perhaps there are more opportunities these days for academic posts? Now we have all these online teaching options maybe there are less full time options where you are not at an institution and more working from home?

Have you time to relax. Then be objective about it. Have a plan. If an academic post just doesn't work out, you still have your PhD so what else can you use it for and even if not, you've tried and gained more education in something you obviously wanted to learn about so it's still personal development prof!