Recovering from a second breakdown ... fighting on

[CharleneMac]

Hey all,
It's been a while since I was here because I was getting on so well. The end of 2015 for me.was horrific but slowly I clawed my way back out of it all and was living a reasonably settled life.
I went on a family holiday, was going to football games and concerts, days out, nights out and generally enjoying life.
Then i was told my landlord was selling my house and we were being made home less. From may till november I was fighting and fighting but eventually got a council house. The house only became available because a family friend passed away ... in the house :/
This on top of all the fighting and actually having to move totally broke me. Xmas and new year was horrific and I was basically a shell the whole time. I was on antidepressants but I was missing them for days at a time and never taking them regularly.
I always believed that it was hormones causing all these problems so a week ago I got an injection to suppress my ovaries ...WELL ... cue total breakdown. I took myself to hospital 5 times, twice by ambulance, one day I even went twice !! I didn't eat for 5 days and I was only sipping on water. If I wasn't under some kind of medical care I was under my duvet in a total mess, crying and panicking.
I couldn't stop shaking, nausea, hearing voices inside my head and feeling like I needed this to stop and stop now !!
This was all up to yesterday. Today I'm only calm because I've to take regular doses of diazapam until my antidepressants kick back in.
I've literally never been so scared in my life. I became convinced that the injection or hrt was poisoning me and that's why I couldn't eat.
My fiance tried his best to get me through it but it was a struggle for him too.
I don't know why I didn't realise this was happening again, I've been doing cbt for a year so why none of us caught it il never know. Also it seems to be the same time of year this happens ... always over the winter.
I've now been on this jab for 9 days ... only 19 to wait for it to be out of my system. I've agrred with my gp and fiance that once it's wore off then il go up a dose on my antidepressant.
I've just read up on the last time this happened to me and discovered 4 months worth of rants and messes but 2 weeks after the antidepressants I had stopped posting. Clearly they had made a huge difference in me so fingers crossed this can happen again .... so here to the road to recovery part 2 !! I can and will do this.
Right now I'm 9 days into the injection. 8 days on kliofem hrt, 2 days back on escitalopram 5mg and taking 2mg of diazapam up to 4 times a day xx

---------- Post added at 18:46 ---------- Previous post was at 17:02 ----------

I can feel my anxiety building again. It seems to be around the idea that I'm never going to get better, what if I get worse again, how am I suppose to fight this. I'm starting to get tired so my bravado is fading slightly.
I know I can take the diazapam and I don't quite know why I haven't taken it although I'm just about to. I know there is numbers I can call too to talk me down so I'm thinking I might speak to someone. It's all about hearing someone else saying that I can do it ... I don't feel strong enough to be believin this all on my own.
I don't know how much of this is side effects from the hrt/injection and what is genuinely my own mind working against me. I've been finding that this time of night is when it all starts building up again. The good news is I managed to eat a handful of grapes, 2 digestive biscuits and a slice of toast with dairy Lea over today and I've been feeling hungry again. Hopefully once I calm down il want to eat something later on before I go to sleep. I honestly wish we could upload videos onto this because I don't think putting things into words really exprested how bad you feel at the time

---------- Post added at 21:55 ---------- Previous post was at 18:46 ----------

Ended up I didn't phone breathing space. I've got an app on my phone called headspace and it teaches mindfulness and meditation. After I took my tablet I stuck my headphones in. Today's session was to imagine you are sitting by a road and the cars are speeding past u. U don't like sitting there but all in all u are safe. Well the cars are thoughts and anxiety feelings and it teaches u to just lie there an accept how u are feeling and not to let it get to u. Well I have to say I fell asleep before the end of it so I'm guessing it worked at the time. Now I'm awake and I can feel the anxiety building. I know I need to hold on 2 more hours before I take the Diaz again and get sorted for bed and I'm not too sure how I'm going to get to that stage. My first thing is to try and eat a few more bits of toast, go for a walk and then a shower. I've got the rest of a stand up dvd to watch tonight as I fell asleep during it last night. All I need to do is get through till half 4 tomorrow till I see my gp. That's less than 24 hours ... I can do this can't I ?

[Lucinda07]

Hang on in there. You are stronger than you think you are! It will soon be time to visit the GP.

[CharleneMac]

So last night I phoned breathing space and to be honest it didn't really help at all. I ended up going out for a walk and coming home with the intention of going for a shower but I took a hot flush and had to lay down on my bed. I started go ogling hot flushes and panic attacks and seemingly they are closely linked so it no wonder I'm taking them so often :/ I then tried to get a claire weekes book but my app didn't support them. I ended up going round and round ( I was pretty calm though ) all these options until I found a positive affirmations video on youtube and I sat and listened to that until I feel asleep. I managed 5 hours sleep but when I woke up I was really anxy again ... did the positive affirmation and meditation and fell back asleep until now. I've woke up a hot mess, my anxiety ha's shot up because I know I need to walk to the doctors today and I'm not ready to be out through my town :/ but then again my anxiety was up going out a basic walk last night and I managed that !! I know this is all mind over matter but jeez it isn't easy :/ xx

---------- Post added at 15:28 ---------- Previous post was at 12:38 ----------

Anxiety has stopped me going for a bath for a week so I challenged it today and went for one. I came out it and my anxiety is sky high and all I wanna do is sleep. I've just taken my first dose of the day of Diaz because I woke up in between doses and it wouldn't have been able to help me go to the gp. Going to the gp is something that has made my anxiety worse :/ I don't know why .... it should be something that helps. I have this awful fear they won't agree with the cpn for the short term Diaz and that will floor me. I'm not using it as much as I should.purely so they know it's not an addiction issue

---------- Post added at 16:52 ---------- Previous post was at 15:28 ----------

Just back from the gp. He's given me the stronger Diaz for 5 days to give my body a break. He said if I need to sleep then to sleep because the anxiety is exhausting my body. He says it's the injection and not much can be done until it wears off. I'm 11 days in so another 17 to go !!! Surely I can do this ... I know I can do this. It's horrible, scary and terrifying ... it's making my whole body contort with the awfulNess of it all ... it's making me believe things that aren't true. I'm scared to be alone, going out the house is what I'd expect being thrown out a plane would feel like. I'm shaking all over, nausea and exhausted. I've got shoulder, neck and face pain from tensing so much and I feel like someone is stabbing me in the head with a knife. I noticed today my endo thigh pain is starting up again. Basically the gp was going to give me.meds to sedate me the whole time ... no chance was I going for that !! All I need to do now is get through to 11.30 tomorrow when I've got my next cbt appointment !!

[CharleneMac]

Went for a wee sleep and woke up into an almighty panic :/ i suffer from silent migraines and I've never really gotten used to the symptoms of blurry vision, seeing colours etc. Instantly my brain said I was having a stroke and I started freaking out. I phoned breathing space and soke to a lovely lady who was so sympathetic and just listened to what had been going on. Once I put the phone down I still felt that jittery all going way so I went and walked a couple of rounds of the block. Came home, opened the windows and threw my clothes off this time of night seems to be my calmest so I've only taken 1mg of Diaz and my escitalopram. I'm just reading so much stuff on this injection and how soon it wears off, if it does get better after so long and what to expect really. On the Internet there is no stories like mine ... everyone says oh it was he'll for the the first weeks but no one says what that he'll was. I'm thinking as soon as I recover that's exactly what I will be doing because every side of the story needs to be covered so that women do get an informed decision and should they ever find that the same thing happens to them they can see hope of when it starts changing and can set themselves goals of what days they need to get to. So far everything I've read says he'll till days 10-14 then it all changed from there. I'm pinning everything on this but I'm also thinking even if it doesn't change then at least I'm half way through. The other thing the woman from breathing space reminded me of tonight was that every single day the dose gets weaker ... it was at it strongest the day I got it and everyday my body gets rid of a little more ... well that would make sense because for the past 2 days I've not taken myself into hospital ... I see this as a massive achievement. I'm less tearful and although I'm still getting horrible times I'm using head space or phoning breathing space to talk me down !! Well bedtime now for cbt tomorow ( so scared about this ) ... will update afterwards xx

---------- Post added at 03:33 ---------- Previous post was at 00:09 ----------

Well it's 3.30am and I've just woke up with my heart going a milion miles an hour :/ in my dream something told me j was next to die ... That's all I know from the thought ive woken up with :/ and now on top of that I have a belter of a migraine :/ one thing after another sometimes