POCD or something else?

[inkblackc]

Hey all, first time poster here.

Long story short, I've dealt with OCD for over 15 years. Everything from contamination fears to confession rituals making my relationships difficult to religious obsessions. The scariest one I've had though are the ones concerning sexual things.

One of the scariest manifestations I've ever had of OCD is this fear of being a pedophile. To be blunt with you, it is scary as shit to me. Probably because I think it's one of the most disturbing ideas in the world.

I started having this obsession when I was maybe around 18 or 19 and then for a few years, I wasn't as bothered by it but it's come back recently. The thing that scares me the most is the groinal response that happens sometimes in these situations.

This has been going on for a long time, but I've never mentioned it.

There are times when I will see a little kid and have an immediate groinal response to them. It's a real physical thing that isn't preceded by any real thought. It's just - I see a kid and it happens.

I've even noticed before that the arousal has caused me to even have some sort of pre ejaculate fluid in my pants. Sometimes certain words trigger this arousal too - like just the word "pedophile" or "child" or something. This is the real reason I'm afraid that I may just actually be a pedophile and not just someone with OCD.

This Christmas, my girlfriend's brother-in-law brought over his two adorable, totally wonderful children to Christmas and for whatever reason I started to panic. My girlfriend and I would be sitting on the couch and she would try to climb into her lap and anytime she would do this I would try to turn away a bit because I was terrified of her accidentally touching me inappropriately. I know that sounds really insane I just was really afraid of that happening and so I kept trying to avoid it as much as possible.

Also when she would look at me I kept feeling afraid that I was going to look at her appropriately and so I would look away. No one even noticed the slightest bit of this of course because it was happening in my head. But as you can imagine, this sort of thing is totally soul crushing.

The groinal response thing is still happening probably worse than ever before now. I was over at a good friend's house this weekend and it kept happening when I was around his daughter.

I really believe that it's just my anxiety as it kept happening and I was very uncomfortable. Do you still think this is normal? It really freaks me out. It doesn't even necessarily feel like arousal, it's a tingling or slight feeling that I can't quite describe.

My OCD has latched onto this fear so much. I spent way too much time this past weekend doing research and reading articles about pedophiles to try to convince myself I'm not one. Still, I know that a lot of actual pedophiles who don't commit any crimes still have compulsions like these. They also have this sort of internal conflict and pain. Many of them from what I've read don't ever commit a crime because they're horrified by the thought of it. What's so different about me? Have you ever experienced this with any other clients? Or anything similar?

I only ever want/ive only ever wanted to be with adult women. I'm so disgusted by this whole thing.

I did however have a little bit of a breakthrough idea maybe though. That idea is that maybe what's happening is that my reaction to seeing a kids times is totally normal - which is to say that I think the kid is cute or I can see some beauty in their look - and immediately my brain decides that I'm actually just evil and my thoughts are worse than that.

Still again this morning had a groinal response to a girl who looked about 12 or 13 that I saw in public.

I initially saw her out of the corner of my eye and thought "what if I was attracted to her?" and then I wanted to check and see so I looked again and I did actually think this girl was "cute" in the traditional sense of the word.

Playing back my experience and trying to take it apart, I realized a couple of things. First, that when I first saw this girl out of the corner of my eye, I didn't even see her face but I saw that she looked almost like a young boy the way her hair looked.

For some reason, my OCD has identity this particular "look" as a triggering one. Probably because I associate it with pedophiles doing things to young boys or them looking vulnerable or something.

Before I even saw her face I started to worry that I may find her attractive so I was already on edge. But when I actually saw her face and thought that she had a cute look, I thought to myself that maybe there was nothing perverted about that thought at all and there's a difference between seeing cuteness and wanting to have sex with them.

I've never wanted to have sex with a kid ever. I think maybe sometimes what I see is the same "cuteness" that everyone else sees and my brain interprets that as something predatory. In the three cases that I've mentioned to you about having groinal responses while seeing a kid in public or seeing one at a friend's house or at Christmas, fear of having a bad feeling preceded the actual feeling.

But then there's been some instances in the past where I don't know that a feeling has been preceded by fear and that scares me.

Also probably worth mentioning that this feeling doesn't seem to discriminate. I fear being attracted to everyone from babies to 16 year olds. This amount of panic and groinal response is unprecedented for me. It's happening constantly over the last week and a half since I started panicking.

I'm so sorry, I've written a novel here and you don't have to read or respond to any of it, but any advice you have to offer would be much much appreciated.

[gatsby12]

Ask yourself this, do they panic about having these thoughts? Do they feel shame?

[inkblackc]

I'm afraid some really do feel shame. It makes me wonder if I'm any different than them.

[gatsby12]

I'm afraid some really do feel shame. It makes me wonder if I'm any different than them.

This is good actually, this tells me you aren't a pedo. This is purely OCD. Pedo's don't feel remorse for their actions for the same reason axe murderers don't. It's a reward system for them. You don't show any signs from what I see. This is distressing as shit for me to talk about but I'll articulate the best I can and as quickly as I can. People who are attracted to things don't feel guilty about it. You feel guilty and shame so I can safely say you aren't one. It's all in your head, this is one of the most painful iterations of OCD there is and you aren't alone.

[beatroon]

Hi there,

I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are suffering from these OCD thoughts, because I'm sure that's all they are.

Groinal responses are not the same as wanting to have sex with someone. They can be thought of as neurons firing off at certain stimuli, but not reliably, or in line with your preferred sexuality. Now that you've noticed them happening on the odd occasion when you are around children, you'll go on noticing them in this context and worrying about them.

I think the desires we have - the passions, the wants - are different from the random things our body tells us. As OCDers, we're too used to trying to line them up together, to no avail. If you were a paedophile, I'd imagine you'd feel compelled to want more than what you're getting - the idea of having sex with underage people would draw you in and fascinate you, it wouldn't be just a random flare of physicality every so often. You'd be seeking out resources and actively trying to follow up. As it is, you're disgusted and worried by it all - I think this is to do with the overly strict response that OCDers also have to things that are taboo. With us, there's no grey area, no self-forgiveness for thoughts straying into infractions, and we can never remember that it's what you do about the thoughts that counts.

I remember an awkward occasion once where my tiny niece bounded into my bedroom one morning and jumped onto my chest - I didn't have a lot on and I remember squirming because she was accidentally touching some very sensitive areas without understanding what she was doing! Because the human body is wired to respond to stimulus, the neurons in those areas flared - but, because POCD isn't a theme for me, I just thought 'OK well that felt weird', and put a T-shirt on! Thought no more about it. It happens.

You might also take the example of survivors of sexual abuse, who say that although the things their abusers were doing to them were aversive, they still had a measure of physical response. That's in spite of being utterly revolted by the situation they were in. My point (now somewhat laboured, but hopefully in some way helpful) is to say that we aren't always in control of the biofeedback in our bodies; what we can do is let go of the idea that we are perfectly harmonious machines, because we just aren't. We're just humans in all our infinite variety. I know this in itself is a terrifying thought because of the unpredictability of our experience: but it's also a glorious one, and means that we don't need to concern ourselves overly with every tiny thing that happens.

So I guess the real question is: what are you doing to manage your OCD? Are you doing mindfulness, medication, have you got any strategies that you can step up a notch? It's time to swing your action plan into action. I have every confidence you can knock this sucker out of the park.

Please do PM me if I can be of any further help, although I'm pretty sure this wall of text will be eye-watering enough!!