Panic disorder ruined my life - new member in desperation

[Lsanity]

Hi all
I guess this is my attempt at a rant in the hopes that someone knows what I'm experiencing. I've had anxiety and panic disorder for years but never knew about it. I just thought I was a bit weird. Last year I had a complete break down and had to leave my dream job abroad to get help. I was diagnosed with panic disorder by a therapist, and have been having CBT every week for the last six months. So far I have not improved one bit. If anything I am worse. I have tried various medications and seen no results. I used to be a confident outgoing young lady working my dream job in paradise. I have been robbed of it all due to this disorder. Anything and everything I try doesn't seem to work. I see no improvement whatsoever and despite having the most supportive wonderful family taking care of me, I am on a downward spiral and do not see any hope at all in getting better. To make things worse, I have no reason to be like this. I've had the perfect upbringing and home life, no life traumas whatsoever, so I do not even deserve this disorder. So many people suffer life traumas and end up with this illness, yet I have suffered nothing major in life as of yet and here I am a big crazy bag of panicked anxious mess, which makes me feel so very guilty for having this because I've literally had the nicest easiest life up until this disorder started developing. As of recent I have been having suicidal and self harm thoughts and it is scaring me. I am scared to hurt myself but only because I know it would destroy my parents who love me so very much. I am 25 and feel like it's the absolute end. I'm destined to be this way for the rest of my days. I don't know what I'm doing, I guess just having a rant and writing down this in the hopes that someone knows what I'm going through and can offer any advice. Everyday I wake up and the panic and anxiety starts and does not stop. Wash rinse repeat. I am sick of it all. Sorry for the pessimism. I am posting this at the end of a very difficult day mentally.
Thank you for listening. X

[Ethansmom]

I can't offer any advice, but can totally relate to what you are going through. I'm 37 and have a fairly good life. I have anxiety which has now developed into a full blown panic disorder. Like you, I've tried a few medications and am now going through CBT. Maybe we can support each other through this site? Can I ask what your symptoms are? do you wake up feeling panicky?

[Lsanity]

Hi thanks for replying. It'd be lovely to support each other. It sounds as if your anxiety and panic just occurred out of nowhere for no reason, is this correct? This is what happened to me. Out of the blue. No reason. One day it just happened and I've worked myself up to having full blown panic disorder from what was once just anxiety alone. I don't even know what triggered it. I have tried to figure this out with my CBT therapist but we cannot find an answer. Although I have learned a lot more about anxiety and panic since starting CBT, I am not any better at all and I've tried various medications. My symptoms start as soon as I wake up. It's as if being conscious is a trigger and being conscious and living causes my anxiety and panic. I am always monitoring my mind. My symptoms aren't physical, they are all mental. I feel constant fear, panic, anxiety and catastrophic thoughts and feelings. The mental symptoms then go on to cause physical symptoms like extreme fatigue, memory problems, and headaches and dizziness. The physical symptoms I can handle because they don't scare me. It's the mental and emotional symptoms that destroy me. What's it like for you?

[Lissa101]

Bit of a long shot but there are certain types of contraceptive pills that have been associated with causing anxiety disorders. I'm not sure if that could be a factor for you but might be worth checking out. Do you have any family history of anxiety?

Sorry to hear about how disruptive this has been to your life. You will get through it though and lots of people on here can give you great support and advice x

[Lsanity]

Hi Lissa, in fact I did use the contraceptive pill for about three months two years ago. While it did not cause my anxiety and panic disorder, I think it certainly didn't help it and possibly made it worse. At that point I didn't know I had this disorder, I just thought there was something wrong with me and my head. I stopped taking the pill due to it causing me weight gain (about 20 lbs) and within a month of stopping it, I had lost all the weight I had gained. Any mental effects caused by the pill had already been embedded and done the damage. Anxiety does seem to run in my family in the form of OCD. I had it as a child and through my early teens. But I kind of just grew out of it. Unless it has turned into full on anxiety and panic disorder.
Thank you for the support. You have no idea how much I appreciate even just talking to you.

[Ethansmom]

My anxiety totally came out of the blue. I wake up in fear every day and have heart palpitations, skipped heartbeats irrational thoughts and fear of death. I have a sweet 6 year old boy who is very loving and really needs his mommy I need to get better for him and for my husband and for myself. I feel so lost so scared and so afraid every day. I have tried a few medications including Xanax which I'm currently on. I'm not happy about that but right now that's what I need to get through this tough time. My doctor also started me on Zoloft for which I've been on for 7 days however it's not helping yet. My issue is that my irrational scary thoughts manifest into real physical symptoms that scare me.

[NoraB]

I'm destined to be this way for the rest of my days.

I get days when I feel like this and it's always when it's a bad one but I'm not destined to be like this for the rest of my life and neither are you, lovely.

Aside from the CBT, what are you doing to address the anxiety?

[janebug]

I am in the same position. I am at the end of my tether, I don't know how to get out of this rut. I want to cry all the time because I know this isn't the person who I am on the inside, except my body is telling me I am. I see all my friends being normal and happy and I am just stuck inside panicking about nothing at all.

[Citydeer]

I've had anxiety and panic disorder for years but never knew about it / ... Last year I had a complete break down and had to leave my dream job abroad to get help.

wow, I can relate. I have had mild GAD for years but 2 months ago I left to go abroad for 3 months and developed panic disorder and had a breakdown 2 weeks into the trip, had to fly back, lost thousands of pounds not to mention leaving the trip of my dreams. I'm a similar age to you and had a similar upbringing by the sounds of it - no traumas. For me, I put my breakdown due to the major life transition of leaving the UK and my comfort zone. Leaving to go overseas when you know you're not coming back any time soon is a major life change, your routines have been shaken up and the things that normally give you security and comfort are gone. Of course you are seeing and doing new wonderful things, but the fact remains that your body and mind are racing to adapt to a new life. For people who already have underlying anxiety for years previously, is it not hard to see that things could have escalated due to big life change.


By moving back, you may have lost a lot of your confidence in yourself, which is the breeding ground for your anxiety disorder to get worse. Thoughts like "I moved back, this disorder now controls my life and I have no power over it, I am weak, I wasn't able to live the life i dreamed of" - those thoughts are very hard to move past when you cant demonstrate to yourself anything to contradict them. When i left my trip, i flew directly from rural africa straight back to my mum and dads house. for two weeks i was constantly shakey, weak, fearful, teary and felt an intense fear that my body and mind was a prison i was trapped in. I underwent counselling and got some valium. I had thousands of pounds in future tours still booked, so even though I didn't feel ready i forced myself to get back onto a plane and restart my trip. my parents didnt want me to go because they thought i would make my disorder worse. but the biggest reason i pushed myself was because i knew if i didn't go, my anxiety would get worse - i would lose all confidence in myself and become a victim to my anxiety, i would use the fact i stayed home to reinforce my lack of confidence in myself. 1.5 months has passed since then, i am currently on my trip still and although i still live with an anxiety disorder, the fact i am facing my fears and pushing my comfort zone daily allows it not to overcome me. i feel like i am proving to myself that i am stronger than i think, whereas if i stayed home i would have feft like my anxiety was stronger than me and i know i would have fallen into a worse state. maybe that's what is happening to you now because you feel like you've failed? i want you to know that isn't true, you just haven't had another chance to learn your own strength and resilience. you WILL NOT feel this way forever, you will not be bound by your anxiety forever! you are much stronger than you realise right now, i think your confidence has just been really knocked by what happened, which is normal when you're from a stable home background that gives you no "justification" for feeling the way you do. Everyone's road to recovery is different, it is not necessary in every case to "prove" things to yourself by confronting fears, but could be simply to begin to realise that failing at something you tried in your life doesn't make YOU a failure. It makes you someone who tries things! which is something to be SO proud of. not everything we try will work out the way we hoped. sometimes our anxiety disorders get in the way of that. but that doesn't mean they will always, or that the fact your anxiety disorder is controlling you right now doesn't mean that it always will. it just means we keep pushing on towards better times. i am so confident for you that at some point in your future you will achieve things again that will help you to regain confidence that you can live a great life and do challenging and cool things!

Today isnt a good day for me, i woke up knowing that my brain chemicals had shifted overnight. i am just trying not to let it build into a panic attack this afternoon, just letting these feelings be what they are without feeding them any extra fear. writing this is helping. Anyway i'm glad you came to this forum because i think writing these things down helps everyone. i thought i'd post my experience as in some ways it sounded similar to yours. I didn't get to address as much of your message as I'd like to but I'll just see what you think about what I've said so far, I may be presuming too much! i would like to hear more about how you feel. I hope the rest of your week is easier. x

[DoraFlora]

I just wanted to say that anxiety and depression doesn't have to be born from some trauma or unresolved issues that you can perceive, it's kind of a jerk like that.
:(

I have a loving family, own a nice home, mortgage almost paid off, have a good job I feel respected at... doesn't matter. So instead of focusing on why it makes no sense I try and focus on those positive things. Just a reminder when I need grounding.

I also think people can underestimate how much a "good life" can be stressful. Sometimes there are unspoken expectations from ourselves or others to continue to be happy, to do a good job. Sometimes there's the fear that the good stuff will slip away Or sometimes there's the pressure to maintain what you worked hard for or pressure to be happy for something you think you always wanted, but maybe doesn't fulfill you the way it should.
So there's lots of "reasons" a "happy" life can still contribute to our good ol' friend here.

Though CBT works for lots of people, my therapist tried ACT (acceptance commitment therapy) with me, and though it wasn't my cup of tea you could explore if there is a practitioner who is versed in that near you for a different approach to try.

Anxiety/depression is a liar. It wants us to think this is the only life we'll ever have, this is the only us there will ever be.
IT IS WRONG.

I don't know how to remember that all the time. But I know in the moments I do feel it I write it down/repeat it. When I have a good day, I make note of it.

I build my evidence.

-Dora