I am in a struggle with my OCD and I need some advice.

[gatsby12]

What I am about to describe is not for the faint of heart so turn back if youve just soft of heart.

Hi guys, I have OCD and I have had complex PTSD from my experiences during my childhood. I was abused and beaten for most of my childhood and psychologically tortured nightly. My former step-father is profoundly mentally ill (bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, anti-social personality disorder) and at several points had tried to kill my mother and once tried to set me up for it. I was told how useless I was daily and had the shit beaten out of me like I was a beat 'em up blow up doll. I was bullied daily as a child up until High School where puberty and being intelligent saved my ass. I had days where I got my shit pummeled in school and kicked in at home after I was forced to walk 5 miles in the rain to my house. I saw horrible things daily, soul shattering things that will stick with me for the rest of my very existence. I've seen just how horrible human beings can be and the variety of base things that accompany it. I try my hardest to keep a smile on my face but I just have a face of stone or I laugh too hard that I look like an insincere douchebag. I struggled so hard in my life to learn social skills but I feel almost as if I am losing them again.

I cant sleep with covers on my bed anymore because I just kick them off constantly when I have my night terrors. I have become an extremely short tempered person and I just cant deal with people anymore. Recently my OCD has taken a turn for the worst and has started playing with my paranoia. I believe someone is out to get me and frame me for a crime I didnt commit. I am no criminal and I have no plans on committing any crimes. I constantly check to see if everything is in its right place and watch everything like a hawk and panic if it isnt. I have an extremely intense fear of being set up as a rapist or a pedophile or something horrible and disturbing and the very thought is like a kick to the stomach with cleats and it is a highly visceral feeling. The very concept of going to prison for something I didnt do makes me want to break down and just sob. I have strange coincidences that my OCD loves to prey upon. Sometimes when I think of something obscure it will pop up, at first I thought this was cute parlor trick but then it turned into an obsession then extreme fear that I can somehow dictate whats about to happen to me. I have this gut feeling that something horrible is gonna happen when I turn 19 because I heard someone mention the song "I was only 19" (yeah it sounds stupid.) I just keep having this intense gut feelings something horrible is about to happen and I refuse to live like this anymore and I have decided to tell myself this is the end of the line. I want my god damn mind back.

By writing this out in detail I hope atleast I am heading in the right direction.

[TomT]

Hey sharkster, welcome to the forum. I do believe you re in the right direction looking for help and writing out your story.

I wont be able to give advice in every single topic but I can in two of them.

Regarding coincidences, well this happened to me a few months ago I still have them every single day just yesterday, I saw a picture of jesus and said to myself "If they only knew he probably was black, and after I found a joke with the same thing on reddit" I used to freak out but its important to understand de science behind this. Your mind is developed to find matching things around you and have "Aha" moments, its easy to think that there might be a relationship between A and B, because of logic or in our case anxiety, this fuels fears or magical thinking (in my case Solopism), so if you have coincidences relax your mind is working properly, just don't react on them, do not try to find logic behind it just breath and move fowards.

And regarding paranoia, we all got at some point paranoid, I did with all the solopism, the best way for me was to challenge the thought, you had this thoughts of being thrown to jail for something you didnt do, but you are not in jail ergo its just a thought.

Best of lucks

Tom

[vicky23]

hi and welcome,

What Tom said is brilliant. I'd also suggest if you haven't already trying to get some therapy and or medication. In terms of slowing my mind down so that it wasn't constantly racing with anxious thoughts medication really helped. Then I had Cognitive behavioural therapy which was a valuable tool to help fight the compulsions.

Vicky

[gatsby12]

Alright. guys. I am going to look into trying this, thank you so much!

[TomT]

No problem buddy, check my posts there are a lot of things regarding Coincidences from my own experience and really helpful advices from the user MyNameIsTerry, also if you like check his post regarding mindfulness its on his signature after every post.

[gatsby12]

No problem buddy, check my posts there are a lot of things regarding Coincidences from my own experience and really helpful advices from the user MyNameIsTerry, also if you like check his post regarding mindfulness its on his signature after every post.

Yeah, i noticed him when i was lurking around the forums a month ago. Ill keep an eye on that. Thanks.

[gatsby12]

Man, I cant catch a break. I searched two bad movies in a row with the premise of "being framed" and now my mind is starting to talk.

[TomT]

It happens man, but its a common topic if you think about it. I can remember two or three like those, where magically tom cruise or liam neeson is te actor. Just don't pay attention to it, go watch a comedy or a no brain movie.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Man, I cant catch a break. I searched two bad movies in a row with the premise of "being framed" and now my mind is starting to talk.

That's a checking compulsion by the sounds of it. It will only reinforce anxiety though.

When you seek to prove something, do you also seek to disprove it too?

[gatsby12]

That's a checking compulsion by the sounds of it. It will only reinforce anxiety though.

When you seek to prove something, do you also seek to disprove it too?

Yeah, you are right. I am seeking reassurance I guess. I keep having this anticipation of doom and I think I keep seeing signs. I am not too happy about the turning 19 omen either.