Hello everyone,
I have posted on this forum in the past, and I have elaborated upon my OCD in great detail. I am suffer from Pure-O OCD predominantly, along with Panic Disorder and Depression. In the last few years, my OCD has been unpredictable. At one point I was so scared that I was going to become psychotic and harm my family. I endured the crippling fear that I would become a paedophile, a murderer, or rapist. Harm-OCD, POCD, Schiz-OCD, every single horrifying fear you can imagine. I could write a whole book on how many petrifying, disgusting and unwanted thoughts I have experienced, but I don't have the time. In short, I'm in a job I like, on medication which helps put the thoughts to a halt, when needed, and I intend to go back to university next year as I was withdrawn due to my illness and battle with alcoholism, which ultimately left me behind with work. However, OCD still doesn't hesitate to torment me. Here's my situation...
I have always suffered from false memory OCD for as long as I can remember. I suffered from the false memory that I touched someone inappropriately. I managed to get over that, just about, but when I write essays, posts, texts to friends or handing out CVs, I compulsively check to see that I haven't written anything horrible like 'I'm a murderer or paedophile' or some nonsense like that. When I don't check properly, I get vivid images in my mind that I wrote that. The scariest thing is when I can't check over it to ensure I didn't. All of the time though, it turns out I haven't done that. But now I'm having a severe episode which seems so real and so vivid to me that I'm convinced I wrote something like that.
I posted a parcel to someone through an app I frequently use to sell some items of mine for extra money. I posted a shirt, and I was in the post office when a thought popped into my head, 'what if I said I'm a paedophile or murderer?' Anxious, I opened the top of the parcel to rustle my hand through it for a note, but I couldn't feel anything like that. I was considering jumping out of the queue to fully take the shirt out and check fully to assuage my fears. But the queue was long and I just wanted to get it over and done with, and to use ERP to combat OCD. I posted it, and the images in my mind of me writing something disgusting were so vivid. I also had an image that I ripped a piece of paper, wrote the note, tucked it into the shirt and sealed it. The thought is so distressing and terrifying. Why on earth would I do something like that? The intrusive thought plays on a continuous loop in my head, but why would I be in a frame of mind to write that? Now I'm scared that I will get reported for something I didn't do, get locked up in prison and separated from family and friends. The thought is just so terrifying and I'm so tempted to message the buyer and say 'I sent the wrong item, can you post the parcel back please?' Even if it involves me getting a negative review, at least I can get over this fear and give myself clarity. I am aware my OCD is often irrational, but when I have a sense of impending doom as frightening as this, I just can't bear it. I find it hard to distinguish false memories from real ones in the context of extreme anxiety.
In short, what should I do? I'm on the verge of tears right now, and I just want some peace back into my life. I am on the waiting list for CBT, and when I feel like this, I know I really need it. Please help.
Thank you!
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