Does it really ever get better?

[mismashful2]

I suffer OCD, but without the mainstream compulsions. (so I don't have to do certain things in order to control my thoughts).
I'm just very.. anxious. IMO my main fear is death, and all my thoughts are surrounded by that.

It started with the fear of suicide: what if I would commit suicide? What if, when my boyfriend goes skiing with his friends, I become so anxious that I want to commit suicide?

Then it was about something that happened in my childhood: when I was about 6 yo, I pretended to have sex with a friend of me, even if she would prefer to play something else. I felt guilty, but more in a sense of: what if I become so guilty that I commit suicide?

Now my boyfriend told me that, 20 years or so ago, the brother of his dad committed suicide, because he didn't see the sense of life.
That made me really afraid. I started thinking: do I see the sense of life? If I don't, is it better to commit suicide?
I start to block the thoughts, but it just doesn't help, then I get this huge anxious feeling.. I'm just so afraid that I will lose control and eventually commit suicide. Because then I start thinking 'but you don't want to commit suicide', but then I think 'why wouldn't you' and then I just start freaking out more.

I went to see my psychologist on friday, and she said we needed more time between sessions, because I needed to learn to trust myself.
But it's only 4!!! days and I'm already freaking out.

Any tips? Really hopeless atm :(

---------- Post added at 16:43 ---------- Previous post was at 13:25 ----------

I'm in a really anxious state, I thought about suicide
It's an overwhelming anxious state.

[viking111]

Yes, it does get better. I had awful thoughts of OCD I explained further in recovery stories section. You should check it.
Simply letting go and not analysing them is the answer and it always works. You are not your thoughts.

[zjw]

i think the suicidal throughts like you describe do get better. I know for me by better i dont mean i never have them any longer. Its just there fewer and further between and less of an obsession if you will.