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Depression from Panic/Anxiety Please post any messages here about Depression that is directly related to Panic and anxiety.
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  #1  
Old 28-11-17, 00:55
littleme92 littleme92 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 126
I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

I feel like my depression is never going to go. I have been off work for 6 months now and still not ready to go back. Every day, all day, I feel like all I want to do is cry. I hate it. It is like I have a dark cloud over my head that is pushing me down. Some days I feel like everything is too much and I just don't want to do anything. I force myself to get out of bed and do something each day but it feels like it is sucking all my energy away. Like when you are walking into a strong wind an even though it is possible to walk, it feel so much harder if that makes any sense.

I also keep having suicidal thoughts, more or less every day but sometimes it is worse than others. Everyone knows about this and they don't seem too concerned because they keep telling me that they are intrusive thoughts and the fact that I am so scared of them means that I don't want to do anything. I don't wan't to die, I want to get better and be happy but sometimes I just feel like that's never going to happen and I will have to live feeling this way for ever. Before anyone says anything, I have crisis numbers to call if I feel really bad so I am safe. I just don't like feeling this way.

I have been on Sertraline since 9th September and am currently on 150mg. I know the doctor will probably increase it again the next time I see them to 200mg. I just feel like it's not going to help though. Citalopram stopped working for me and now Sertraline isn't so I feel really hopeless if I have to try something else. I just don't want to go through the withdrawal and then the start up effects of a new med if it's not really going to make me feel any better.

I have also had 12 sessions of cbt which hasn't helped either. I feel like none of the techniques that I have been trying are helping. I have also had another week of another type of therapy, where you plan a diary of what you are going to do in the week (I've forgotten what its called, sorry). I have 2 more sessions of that, one tomorrow and one next week and then I am not allowed any more therapy.

My sick note runs out this week on Wednesday and the doctor only gave me one for 3 weeks instead of 4 like he usually does and I don't know why. My SSP runs out on 30th November so I am wondering if it is something to do with that. It has been playing on my mind though because I don't have an appointment until Friday and I am not seeing my usual doctor because I couldn't get an appointment with him. He wasn't in on my last appointment so I saw a different doctor who said that I can renew my sick note on the phone. I just hope that he didn't give me a 3 week sick note because he was expecting me to go back to work because I really don't feel ready for that. I have had 2 ok days in the past couple of months, every other day has been a bad day, some worse than others.

So basically I feel really lost right now. Meds aren't helping, therapy isn't helping, I will have no money coming in, I will probably loose my job for being off so long and if I don't get better then I might not be able to get another one. I feel like I have let everyone down because i'm trying so hard to beat this but I am still where I first started back at square one. I feel useless and keep thinking that maybe it is just me and I can never be happy again. I just want to feel better.

Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to get this off my chest.
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  #2  
Old 28-11-17, 02:37
Jonb Jonb is offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

Hi little me,I ve just joined this forum as is only thing feel have left to do to find others that are in the same place as I am.Family or friends don't understand just say to get on.Was really bad last year and was on high dose of sertralinequality 200mg which just made me in to a zombie started to feel better then has just hit me again over the last month now just want to be left alone feel like everyone resents me for been like this.Currently off work sick and can't bare the thought of going back even if I feel better to dread the thought of been dragged down again just keep thinking why's this happening got every thing I want in life just can't seem to be happy with myself ever.Many thanhs for reading this and hope things pick up for u
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  #3  
Old 28-11-17, 03:01
Azzbo's Avatar
Azzbo Azzbo is offline
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 24
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

I can relate to the dark cloud, Wish I had some good advice to give. All we can do is try to find happiness in the little things.

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  #4  
Old 28-11-17, 15:23
Chick100 Chick100 is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 148
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

Hi Little me.

I am so very sorry you are feeling so bad.Is this why you arenīt in chatroom lately? Keep on with the doctor and anything else offered.ask about light therapy treatment to help with the winter days and nights. Try not to worry over your job and I feel sure you will not always feel as bad as you do right now. The suicidal thoughts are common in anxiety and depression but obviously adding to you fears, believe me though I bet there is hardly 1 person on here who hasnīt had them. I certainly have and they are horrible but only thoughts, and no wonder when we feel so low.

I am sending the biggest hug you way and I really hope you start to feel much better very soon.

love and hugs fro me to you xxxxxxx
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  #5  
Old 30-11-17, 00:24
littleme92 littleme92 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 126
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonb View Post
Hi little me,I ve just joined this forum as is only thing feel have left to do to find others that are in the same place as I am.Family or friends don't understand just say to get on.Was really bad last year and was on high dose of sertralinequality 200mg which just made me in to a zombie started to feel better then has just hit me again over the last month now just want to be left alone feel like everyone resents me for been like this.Currently off work sick and can't bare the thought of going back even if I feel better to dread the thought of been dragged down again just keep thinking why's this happening got every thing I want in life just can't seem to be happy with myself ever.Many thanhs for reading this and hope things pick up for u
Hi Jon, welcome to the forum, it is a great forum, everyone is really supportive of each other on here and in the chat room. I know what you mean about people just saying get on with it, I think it is hard to understand for people who haven't had anxiety and depression. I really hope things pick up for you too!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azzbo View Post
I can relate to the dark cloud, Wish I had some good advice to give. All we can do is try to find happiness in the little things.

Thanks az, that's really cute

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chick100 View Post
Hi Little me.

I am so very sorry you are feeling so bad.Is this why you arenīt in chatroom lately? Keep on with the doctor and anything else offered.ask about light therapy treatment to help with the winter days and nights. Try not to worry over your job and I feel sure you will not always feel as bad as you do right now. The suicidal thoughts are common in anxiety and depression but obviously adding to you fears, believe me though I bet there is hardly 1 person on here who hasnīt had them. I certainly have and they are horrible but only thoughts, and no wonder when we feel so low.

I am sending the biggest hug you way and I really hope you start to feel much better very soon.

love and hugs fro me to you xxxxxxx
Hi chick, yeah, sometimes when I feel bad I don't feel like going in the chatroom in case somebody is having a nice chat and I come and ruin it because i'm depressed. I know it's stupid because that is what it is there for, and I don't mind when people are feeling bad if I am having a good day because I like to help as best as I can but I just feel guilty if that makes any sense? It just scares me when I have suicidal thoughts because it makes me feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is possible to recover but it just doesn't feel like it at the time and I think what if I never feel happy again. It makes me think that one day, what if I don't want to get better and that scares me even more because I don't want to get that bad. Thanks for the hugs!
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  #6  
Old 08-12-17, 13:57
Croydonbee Croydonbee is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 50
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

Quote:
Originally Posted by littleme92 View Post
I feel like my depression is never going to go. I have been off work for 6 months now and still not ready to go back. Every day, all day, I feel like all I want to do is cry. I hate it. It is like I have a dark cloud over my head that is pushing me down. Some days I feel like everything is too much and I just don't want to do anything. I force myself to get out of bed and do something each day but it feels like it is sucking all my energy away. Like when you are walking into a strong wind an even though it is possible to walk, it feel so much harder if that makes any sense.

I also keep having suicidal thoughts, more or less every day but sometimes it is worse than others. Everyone knows about this and they don't seem too concerned because they keep telling me that they are intrusive thoughts and the fact that I am so scared of them means that I don't want to do anything. I don't wan't to die, I want to get better and be happy but sometimes I just feel like that's never going to happen and I will have to live feeling this way for ever. Before anyone says anything, I have crisis numbers to call if I feel really bad so I am safe. I just don't like feeling this way.

I have been on Sertraline since 9th September and am currently on 150mg. I know the doctor will probably increase it again the next time I see them to 200mg. I just feel like it's not going to help though. Citalopram stopped working for me and now Sertraline isn't so I feel really hopeless if I have to try something else. I just don't want to go through the withdrawal and then the start up effects of a new med if it's not really going to make me feel any better.

I have also had 12 sessions of cbt which hasn't helped either. I feel like none of the techniques that I have been trying are helping. I have also had another week of another type of therapy, where you plan a diary of what you are going to do in the week (I've forgotten what its called, sorry). I have 2 more sessions of that, one tomorrow and one next week and then I am not allowed any more therapy.

My sick note runs out this week on Wednesday and the doctor only gave me one for 3 weeks instead of 4 like he usually does and I don't know why. My SSP runs out on 30th November so I am wondering if it is something to do with that. It has been playing on my mind though because I don't have an appointment until Friday and I am not seeing my usual doctor because I couldn't get an appointment with him. He wasn't in on my last appointment so I saw a different doctor who said that I can renew my sick note on the phone. I just hope that he didn't give me a 3 week sick note because he was expecting me to go back to work because I really don't feel ready for that. I have had 2 ok days in the past couple of months, every other day has been a bad day, some worse than others.

So basically I feel really lost right now. Meds aren't helping, therapy isn't helping, I will have no money coming in, I will probably loose my job for being off so long and if I don't get better then I might not be able to get another one. I feel like I have let everyone down because i'm trying so hard to beat this but I am still where I first started back at square one. I feel useless and keep thinking that maybe it is just me and I can never be happy again. I just want to feel better.

Sorry for the rant, I just wanted to get this off my chest.
You're going through exactly what I'm going through. I felt better. but have gone back to square one. Can't face anything or anyone. Scared about losing job. Can't take any more sick pay. Can't deal with people. Guilt, anxiety, a feeling of complete inadequacy. CBT online didn't do much. Seeing my counsellor helps a bit. The meds aren't doing much. Meant to be going away with my brother to Devon for a week, but scared about it as I'm in a dark place right now. Also tearful all the time, and lost my mum a few weeks ago which hurts more and more and leaves me a wreck. I did join an anxiety self-help group, and I think that helps. Maybe there's a similar group near you? Maybe exercise as much as you can, even though it's hard to be motivated - I try and jog but end up crying.

PM me if you want to let off steam and compare notes. It's a horrid condition which affects every waking moment of life. I had a good two weeks after the funeral, but have gone back to a bad place.

Take care
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  #7  
Old 14-12-17, 13:07
Croydonbee Croydonbee is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 50
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

Hope you ate ok, Little Me.
I'm still struggling every day. Don't and can't talk to anyone as my anxiety is so bad. So that in itself breeds anxiety. I just want to sleep and not wake up. Dreadful
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  #8  
Old 14-12-17, 22:34
Mountains_Lakes Mountains_Lakes is offline
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 6
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

Hi All

I can totally relate at the moment, I've really struggled this year to keep it together after death of a parent triggered complicated grief followed by lots of other "dog crap in sweet wrappers".

My anxiety drives my depression which causes more anxiety - I find talking with people difficult at the moment too. Group situations are a nightmare; my brain is stuck in 2nd gear, mind feels like concrete. I then wonder what the hell is wrong because I come up with scary conclusions which massively increases my anxiety.

As for my emotions, I wish I could cry and feel human again. I feel numb, horrible, and broken. Maybe its the damn Sertraline?! 50mg is like flicking peas at an elephant.

I've been having those fleeting suicidal thoughts, wishing to die in my sleep, or randomly die in ingenious instantly effective and painless ways that require zero effort on my part. I was even thinking about euthanasia the other day - except I couldnt be bothered going to Switzerland.

GP and mental health staff seem unconcerned - they consider them "intrusive". I can see their point, I was waiting for a train yesterday, express trains were speeding through the station and while I was momentarily conscious I could kill myself that way, I had no urge or plans to do it.

From my past experiences with bad depression, we don't want to die, we just don't want to be like this. Although I just can't feel it right now, there is hope somewhere and sometime beyond, maybe that's what we all need to try and hold onto??
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  #9  
Old 18-12-17, 15:31
Croydonbee Croydonbee is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 50
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

I have all these same symptoms. I've been away twice but struggled all day - yes, it's like the mind is set in concrete. Can't converse or show any energy or liveliness or spontaneity. Also feels like my wife is getting fed up with me, which increases the anxiety. Every time I think about my mum (and dad), the tears flow. It's there all the time. They say you should face fears and don't lock yourself away from seeing people. and break the cycle. Easier said than done. I dread any social occasion at the moment, even with family, because I just can't talk. My head feels numb and "whoosh" (like the discontinuation sensation, though I've INCREASED my paroxetime to 40mg daily. The paroxetine isn't doing anything. Nor is the propanalol. I've invested in various self-help CBT books. I think my self-esteem is at an all-time low after four months of hell. Surely it's got to end one day. They say it will. I've only had two weeks of relief (straight after my mum's funeral and a return to the office. It was like a kickstart) - then the anxiety/depression is back with a vengeance.
Need to try and let the past go and everything that made me like this, because when I'm well, I'm popular and lively and jokey. But the painful lack of self-esteem and being a bit different etc always been there.
has Hang in there, everyone. others are in the same exact boat.

---------- Post added at 14:31 ---------- Previous post was at 14:23 ----------

A good cry helps temporarily. But doesn't clear me. Counselling and a self=help group helps somewhat, as I'm under no pressure to be anything else than how I am feeling there and then. I am acutely aware that if I do find any relief, it may only be temporary, and that causes further distress.
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  #10  
Old 23-12-17, 02:01
littleme92 littleme92 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 126
Re: I hate feeling like this, why isn't it going?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Croydonbee View Post
You're going through exactly what I'm going through. I felt better. but have gone back to square one. Can't face anything or anyone. Scared about losing job. Can't take any more sick pay. Can't deal with people. Guilt, anxiety, a feeling of complete inadequacy. CBT online didn't do much. Seeing my counsellor helps a bit. The meds aren't doing much. Meant to be going away with my brother to Devon for a week, but scared about it as I'm in a dark place right now. Also tearful all the time, and lost my mum a few weeks ago which hurts more and more and leaves me a wreck. I did join an anxiety self-help group, and I think that helps. Maybe there's a similar group near you? Maybe exercise as much as you can, even though it's hard to be motivated - I try and jog but end up crying.

PM me if you want to let off steam and compare notes. It's a horrid condition which affects every waking moment of life. I had a good two weeks after the funeral, but have gone back to a bad place.

Take care
Quote:
Originally Posted by Croydonbee View Post
Hope you ate ok, Little Me.
I'm still struggling every day. Don't and can't talk to anyone as my anxiety is so bad. So that in itself breeds anxiety. I just want to sleep and not wake up. Dreadful
Hi, first I want to say that i'm so sorry to hear about you losing your Mum. I've not checked this thread in a while which is why I didn't reply straight away, sorry. I don't know if you have been to Devon yet with your Brother but if not, you never know, a change of scenery may help. I do go to a creative writing class for people with mental health problems which helps a little bit and if I start crying there then people understand and will help. I really hope that you start to feel better soon!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountains_Lakes View Post
Hi All

I can totally relate at the moment, I've really struggled this year to keep it together after death of a parent triggered complicated grief followed by lots of other "dog crap in sweet wrappers".

My anxiety drives my depression which causes more anxiety - I find talking with people difficult at the moment too. Group situations are a nightmare; my brain is stuck in 2nd gear, mind feels like concrete. I then wonder what the hell is wrong because I come up with scary conclusions which massively increases my anxiety.

As for my emotions, I wish I could cry and feel human again. I feel numb, horrible, and broken. Maybe its the damn Sertraline?! 50mg is like flicking peas at an elephant.

I've been having those fleeting suicidal thoughts, wishing to die in my sleep, or randomly die in ingenious instantly effective and painless ways that require zero effort on my part. I was even thinking about euthanasia the other day - except I couldnt be bothered going to Switzerland.

GP and mental health staff seem unconcerned - they consider them "intrusive". I can see their point, I was waiting for a train yesterday, express trains were speeding through the station and while I was momentarily conscious I could kill myself that way, I had no urge or plans to do it.

From my past experiences with bad depression, we don't want to die, we just don't want to be like this. Although I just can't feel it right now, there is hope somewhere and sometime beyond, maybe that's what we all need to try and hold onto??
Hi, I want to say as well as with Croydenbee, i'm really sorry to hear about you losing a parent. I am starting to think that sertraline does play a part in feeling numb because I never felt this way when I was on citalopram. Then again, I know some people who swear buy it so i'm not so sure. I know what you mean about the intrusive thoughts, I have had the same thought about thinking about jumping in front of a train. My psychologist told me to remember that they are only thoughts and they can't hurt you. Depression can get better though, that's what I tell myself because I was fine for years, it is just that it has come back again, except this time I know that it is possible to get better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Croydonbee View Post
I have all these same symptoms. I've been away twice but struggled all day - yes, it's like the mind is set in concrete. Can't converse or show any energy or liveliness or spontaneity. Also feels like my wife is getting fed up with me, which increases the anxiety. Every time I think about my mum (and dad), the tears flow. It's there all the time. They say you should face fears and don't lock yourself away from seeing people. and break the cycle. Easier said than done. I dread any social occasion at the moment, even with family, because I just can't talk. My head feels numb and "whoosh" (like the discontinuation sensation, though I've INCREASED my paroxetime to 40mg daily. The paroxetine isn't doing anything. Nor is the propanalol. I've invested in various self-help CBT books. I think my self-esteem is at an all-time low after four months of hell. Surely it's got to end one day. They say it will. I've only had two weeks of relief (straight after my mum's funeral and a return to the office. It was like a kickstart) - then the anxiety/depression is back with a vengeance.
Need to try and let the past go and everything that made me like this, because when I'm well, I'm popular and lively and jokey. But the painful lack of self-esteem and being a bit different etc always been there.
has Hang in there, everyone. others are in the same exact boat.

---------- Post added at 14:31 ---------- Previous post was at 14:23 ----------

A good cry helps temporarily. But doesn't clear me. Counselling and a self=help group helps somewhat, as I'm under no pressure to be anything else than how I am feeling there and then. I am acutely aware that if I do find any relief, it may only be temporary, and that causes further distress.
Even if you didn't have depression, it is normal for grief to make you feel depressed, try to remember that. I know what you mean about a good cry helping temporarily. Sometimes I feel a lot better and like I can face the world again but then the feeling of needing to cry again comes back. It is possible to recover from depression though, my mum had a bad spell before I was born and she ended up in hospital because of it but she is fine now.
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