I thought I'd start a fluoxetine diary to see if it helps myself and others. I've been on fluoxetine for about 10 and a half weeks now. I am going to keep a diary all the way up to week 16. I am writing a brief summary of each day, and then at the end of each week, I'll just be summarising the main points of the week instead.xxx
Some background about me
Im 31, female, had a depression breakdown a few months ago (due to life factors). I already had depression but I became very suicidal, which is why I started these meds. I also go to therapy weekly, and push myself to go outside at least 5 days a week. I have social anxiety and OCD symptoms. I also have borderline personality disorder which causes paranoia and fuels my social anxiety. I have been off sick from my job in admin for just over 2 months now. due to mental health and relationship breakdowns I've been living as a recluse for 4 years now. I want things to change but my depression and social anxiety has been bad for a long time. I try to push myself as much as I can without making myself feel unwell.
weeks 1 and 2 (10mg)
I had worsened anxiety, and the worst insomnia of my life. despite being prescribed 50mg quetiapine as a sleep aid, I still did not sleep at all for about 16 days, such was the stimulating effect of the fluoxetine. predictably I felt extremely drained for the first few weeks, depressed and tired. It was hell. I can safely say that the first few weeks were the worst. I still made myself go out for 2 hours every day. social anxiety is a big problem for me normally, and it was much worsened in these first few weeks. had side effects of painful joints a lot too and needed to wee a lot (sorry for tmi). headaches, the lot. oddly, on day 14 though, I felt an incredible sweep of contentment, calm and energy, even slight euphoria. sadly I haven't had a day like that since!!!
week 3 and 4 (20mg)
my psychiatrist said to go up to 20mg. for the first few days of the dosage increase I still couldn't sleep at all, despite my sleep aid. but then after the first few days, I managed some sleep (only with my sleep aid). I woke up obviously in a much better mood. I don't really think it was anything to do with the dosage increase, more to do with the fact I actually slept for the first time in 16 days. I remember going in to town to have a coffee in a great mood, but my anxiety was right up there worse than ever. sweating buckets and just asking for a coffee was shaky nervous hell. I forced myself to stay for a few hours but it was too much and I went home upset about how bad my anxiety was, which in turn lowered my mood.
The first 2 weeks of the dosage increase I had side effects all over again, feeling very spaced out, and worsened anxiety. very depressing. odd joint pains and weeing a lot as per side effects. the joint pains and needing to wee all the time did go away though. my mood stayed kind of flat, no lift since that first day. sweating seems to be more of a problem on this dose (side effect). after the first day on the dosage increase I still forced myself to go out for a few hours each day, and social anxiety is still a problem for me, and is still worse than usual on this med. interactions verge on impossible.
sleep still an issue, I tried reducing my sleep aids, but it didn't work. I definitely could not sleep at all without the 50mg quetiapine.
weeks 5 and 6
sadly I had the flu and bronchitis, so my mood was all messed up as well as anxiety. bed bound for 2 weeks. at this point sleep was essential for physical recovery so I didn't even bother with adjusting my sleep meds, I kept them at 50mg quetiapine. missed my therapy session in week 5 because I was so ill so that was a huge downer. week 6 I made my next session, only just about, because I was so ill. I called the doctors to get a repeat script of my sleep aid and they suggested booking a review of the fluoxetine. I booked a gp appointment on the 18th September, because it was pointless reviewing when I had the flu, and I thought it was important to feel physically ok again for a few weeks again first so I could actually see what the 20mg dose was doing.
week 7
finally recovered from flu and bronchitis. tried to halve my quetiapine sleep aid with terrible results. its so disappointing. I still need the full dose of my sleep aid just to sleep because the fluoxetine is so stimulating for me. my depression is mostly gone, but I still have a low, flat mood, which is really disappointing. the quetiapine sleep aid also makes me feel like a flat zombie the next day, which really sucks. The flat feeling worsens my social anxiety much more so than it usually is and now finding it hard to do basic interactions. So I'm afraid my anxiety is much worse than usual so far on fluoxetine. I've left a message with the mental health team to see if they can switch me to melatonin for sleep, because its supposed to offer a more natural nights sleep, which may make me feel less flat emotionally the next day, and hopefully I'd be less anxious. I don't want to be on sleep aids forever, so I'm really praying the horrible insomnia from the fluoxetine goes away soon. once again, I've been forcing myself to go out each day.
I find that I can now stand to be outside for a whole day and then come home. however social anxiety is *still* a problem, and interactions are still verging on impossible. I've started to feel like my social anxiety during interactions is much worse again this week, feeling dread and extreme nerves interacting. horrible. I also missed my therapy session because I couldn't sleep. I'm feeling down because its the second session I've missed this month, and the therapist said her car might need to go in next week when my session is, so I might have no therapy next week either. she said she'll phone me next week and let me know. considering I missed my session a few days ago, the prospect of no therapy again next week isn't a good one. big downer. oh well shit happens I guess but it sucks. hopefully she can get her car sorted before next weeks session.
week 8
During week 8 my social anxiety was terrible, really crippling, interactions unbearable, this seemed to be caused by a meds induced flatness that persisted all week. this of course lowered my mood. the other main unpleasant side effect I had was sweating when out and about or in crowds. quite horrible. I was still feeling spaced out every morning after taking my fluoxetine, until about half way through week 8, when it disappeared, thank god!! the insomnia side effect started to disappear, and a few days in to this week, I felt more tired than usual on my 50mg quetiapine sleep med, and I was able to successfully reduce it to 25mg which I took along with an antihistamine. I made sure my sleep hygiene was good during this transition, and turned the telly off 2 hours before bed. another amazing thing which helped me sleep was listening to binaural beats delta waves on YouTube on my headphones for an hour before I went to bed, and it worked like a dream. (delta waves are brainwaves that you produce in deep sleep). some positives were that I finally conquered my fear of sleeping in the dark, which I haven't done in years. I also found myself checking things less with my OCD rituals. Things that really helped me this week was art, and my mindfulness colouring book, as well as binaural beats. I spent much of this week wondering if my dosage was wrong. Hopefully I see a lift in the social anxiety next week!!!
Week 9
At the start of the week I felt a lot less socially anxious, and the flat feeling had seemed to lift, it was easier to interact with people. After experiencing this lift in anxiety I decided to stick it out on the 20mg and just review again in 4 weeks. Halfway through the week I felt a real lift in my mood, and I really enjoyed the morning sunshine. sadly the good feeling didn't last though, and in the last half of the week I felt flat, low, and anxious again. I spent the last few days of the week crying, feeling awful and suicidal. I was completely ready to quit the meds, I felt absolutely awful. On a positive note, by the start of the week I had successfully managed to wean myself completely off of my quetiapine sleep aid, and was managing to sleep on only an antihistamine. Initially, my sleep quality was poor and there were a few 4am awakenings, but in the last half of the week I was sleeping well. listening to binaural beats delta waves on headphones as a form of hypnosis worked well. I really hope next week my mood can lift again!! xx another thing I will say is you hear '6-8 weeks' being quoted by so many gps for everything, that if you're anything like me, after 8 weeks of feeling like a flat anxious zombie from the meds (for the most part) you are just so desperate to feel normal again that this might be the point where like me you feel totally disheartened and everything is telling you to give up.
Week 10
Day 1
I didn't get to bed until about 4am this morning. I am extremely tired. I don't feel great about going to town. I might just print off my collection ticket for sports direct and my coach tickets and just come home. I don't feel well. I made 2 calls to the crisis team last night, I was very distressed. don't feel like phoning family as they've hardly made huge efforts with me. I really thought, going on the start of this week that this week would be good, but its just been horrible. I know they say some weeks are sent to test us, well I certainly do feel like that today. its hard to keep my resolve. :( I am just going to do my best to be kind to myself today, and that's it. sigh. this sucks. :( haven't done much today as didn't get to sleep until 4am was feeling so low. been a rubbish day.
Day 2
Didn't get bed until 2am due to ******* neighbour. I was then woken up at 8am by banging and shouting for an hour. so I am waking up today AGAIN feeling really pissed off. it's now 12.26 and I'm still in bed. hardly suprising after last night and this morning. my only aim today is just to get my flat clean and tidy and that's literally it. I really hope next week is better!!
Day 3
Monday. an extremely bad start to the week. vile neighbour kept his telly on full blast til 4am. I've had about 5 hours sleep. I am also going to miss an important blood test because of this selfish person, so I am really quite angry. This person is a new neighbour, and I already have enough problems with anti social behaviour as it is with the other neighbours. I really don't need to be surrounded by any more anti social behaviour. If I am kept up again in the same manner again tonight I will be absolutely livid. Absolutely awful first impression from this new neighbour. as I've said before I CANNOT WAIT TO MOVE OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE :( :( :( zero support from mental health services again just made me feel worse. decided I'm not going to bother talking to my workers this week as they have really made me feel so incredibly low and I need them to actually think for a change about what they have done for once :( :(
Day 4
wow. really not having a great week with the shitty horrible neighbours. I'd been up til 4am for 3 nights in a row, and last night I could hear telly and shouting on full blast again at 1am. I gave in and took a quetiapine. I feel like my neighbours are really setting me back mentally. I absolutely hate living here. last night I was looking at the council flat exchange process but that in all honesty won't be available to me until february. I was supposed to go to the gym this morning, but once again, they have messed it all up. completely scuppered my morning because of these vile idiots.
Day 5
woke up in the middle of the night last night as people were shouting and being dicks. the area I live in seems to have gotten much worse for anti social behaviour of late and I really hope that's not to do with new next door neighbour. I woke up at 7am but couldn't bring myself to wake up properly until 10.15am. need to phone the gym. angry and upset about how the ASB in neighbourhood has seriously deteriorated. on a positive note, I paid for my gym membership today, and I'm looking forward to going tomorrow. I'm trying to be positive but its hard, tried to chat to cafe guy today, it was strained. could be down to lack of sleep as well, but the pills so far just aren't working in the way I need them to. its disheartening because this is the longest I've ever been on an antidepressant, and I've been working so damn hard to keep going, and not to give up. I've looked at other forums too and there's lots of old threads with people saying they didn't feel themselves until well into their 12th week, and for some people, 16 weeks.
I am really, really struggling just to keep going. I'm not looking forward to even just talking to the gym staff and asking where the lockers, showers and treadmills are. plus, I've got a work meeting tomorrow morning- less than a week ago from the last meeting (and considering I'm off sick !) and I have to meet my new manager whilst I'm off sick, and an anxious mess in a cafe. lovely. cringe factor of 10000 :( hope he's nice. I'll be quite annoyed if they expect me to give them a back to work date tomorrow. I honestly don't have one because I'm nowhere near ready to be back at work :( what I need is a breather from them, not pressure every week that just ups my stress levels. I will probably say as much tomorrow too, because having meetings weekly, or even less than a week apart is just ridiculous, considering I am being signed off for months at a time. I bought a new colouring book yesterday, and trying to get back into binaural beats to relax me before I go to bed. I haven't even read the meditation book I bought yet, can you believe that :( its weird though because I feel like motivation is there, which means better mood, but the anxiety, nearly 11 weeks in, is still a problem. this is a huge downer for me.
I have my psych review on the 19th of October and will be asking some serious questions about whether they think the dose is too high or too low. I have heard many people say they had to be upped to 40mg before noticing a positive effect, and that could be the case for me. I will let them be the judge of that. I've got my call with my care coordinator from the mental health team today at 5pm. you'd think being with the mental health team I'd be feeling more supported and less in the dark over meds and the like but to be honest I think they are worse than gps when it comes to supporting you around meds. you get to see a psychiatrist once every few hundred years when what you need is regular access to an expert. in all honesty, they should have reviewed with me after the first 2 weeks on these meds, but I was basically left to my own devices, with no face to face review, which is pretty terrible. I felt they had bumped me up to 20mg too soon, and I probably in all honesty could have stayed on the 10mg dose.
my advice to any others out there is that once you start on a dose, DO NOT INCREASE DOSE UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN ON IT FOR 12 WEEKS. you will find the majority of everyone on this forum, including myself saying this, because of the way that fluoxetine works. speaking from personal experience, do not let your gp or psychiatrist increase you until you've spent 12 weeks on your dose. medical school is all good, but the many, many people's lived experience of taking this drug is more invaluable- trust me. if I had the knowledge of this forum beforehand, I would not have let them increase my dose just 2 weeks in.
spent the evening crying and feeling suicidal again, and I've got my work meeting tomorrow morning. :( it's past midnight and I'm still up and not in bed :( can tomorrow get any worse than today??? :( :( :(
Day 6
didn't get to bed until 4am, was feeling very distressed. I had about 3 and a half hours sleep and then I had to go to my work meeting. it went well but I still have absolutely no desire to go back to the job. I wish the anxiety was gone so I had the confidence to just hand in my notice and look for other work. I was supposed to go to the gym today, but I am absolutely exhausted. plus I have to be ready for a stranger to show me round... maybe it would be better after therapy. yet again, another really terrible week. I'm absolutely struggling to hold on til the 19th of October :( horrible neighbours aren't helping. I will try and phone for some support today from the mental health team.
Day 7
wow had a really good sleep!! so why do I still wake up feeling flat and dread interacting?!!! talking to people is still wooden and uncomfortable. I'm really sick of this. In just over 1 weeks time I'll be starting week 12!! in 3 weeks I see the psychiatrist for review. god help me please let me improve before then!!! been really low all day, suicidal. the mental health team went back on their offer of inpatient care which they promised months ago. now I just feel so desperate, suicidal and alone. the crisis care isn't given, which worsens my mental health. I sat and cried in the toilets when I got out of my therapy session, wishing I could only be dead, so all this could finally end. I'll never properly be supported by the mental health team. I feel so low and alone and at risk. the next door neighbour is blasting out his music through the walls I hope death comes soon.
Week 11
Day 1
all day in bed. its now 7.20pm. crisis team was useless last night despite how suicidal I was, and just as useless today. I've been crying all last night and all day. phoned the crisis line today and they once again refused to send anyone to even check if I was safe and ok. I've spent the day crying, feeling suicidal, frantically emailing every single inpatient ward in the UK, as well as a list of psychiatrists. with it being the weekend NHS mental health care is even more appalling than it is in the week. once again spending the day wishing I was dead.
Day 2
spent the day in bed crying feeling suicidal. mental health team absolutely useless. concerned that my psych review isn't until 19th Oct, another 18 days away. Things are going very wrong. I still haven't been to the gym and then got an email saying it was closed for part of next week. I'm supposed to go for a blood test tomorrow morning but don't know if I can be bothered to get up early for it as I just feel so low. I've been doing everything I can and no one cares and no one is helping. even the therapist on friday was just awful. I don't know how much more I can take. sorry, I will condense down last week when I get time tomorrow.
Day 3
Another day spent in bed feeling suicidal. I couldn't even bring myself to be some spaced out monster again so I didn't take my tablet this morning and felt slightly better. so I'm doing 10mg tomorrow. I dropped my vape pen as well, so that's no longer working after just 1 month, yippee. just had ****ing enough. gps phoned tonight and they didn't even seem to believe I was genuinely suicidal. didn't even offer to phone mental health team. I am so ashamed to live in this country. its supposed to be 2017 and yet for those of us who aren't actively psychotic, the mental health system has returned to an 1800s model. except in the 1800s they actually had care. now all there is is negligent murder in the community and people dying everywhere.
Day 4
light sleep last night. took half my tablet today. decided that if the mental health team genuinely don't care enough to check if I'm dead or alive then I'll be making no further contact with them. can't say that these pills are actually making me any less depressed. the 20mg was too much though and was making depression worse. when the hell do you actually feel better on these shitty things?!! :( :( :(
Day 5
woke up had a good sleep because I had to take a quetiapine since I was so distressed last night. I woke up and only took 10mg again. I didn't really do much, went in to town, had a coffee, tried to get the shop to fix my vape pen. noticed it was *much* easier to interact on the 10mg. (bar a little spaced outness from the quetiapine last night). I'm going to sleep with just an antihistamine tonight, so I can get back in to sleeping without the quetiapine. I'm pissed off that the shop didn't fix my vape pen properly. I haven't been able to use it all week. I need to do lots tomorrow (pick up gp note, get vape pen fixed, go to library to scan a load of stuff) so at least that'll keep me busy.
Day 6
woke up after only a few hours sleep. I think that was more to do with the fact I had a lot on my mind more than anything else. still on the 10mg dose. feeling A LOT more human on this dose. still feeling not as human as I want, but that's due more to lack of sleep really. I'll try again with the binaural beats and colouring, as that usually works. as soon as I found the motivation to go to the gym it's now closed 3 days for maintenance lol. typical.
Day 7
had a bit of a low day. still on the 10mg of fluoxetine as seem to be more human on a lower dose, even if it is slightly less effective. Im not sure if it is. but for me the flatness is hard to cope with at high doses. I really didn't do much, apart from a few errands in town. I found out my manager is away for 3 weeks too, so hopefully no more micro managing whilst I'm off sick! please!!! I was feeling low and anxious, I haven't had any contact with the mental health team all week because they aren't even trying to give me the help I need anymore. At 1am I caved in and took a quetiapine, because I knew my family were visiting the next day and I needed some form of sleep.
Week 12
Day 1
wow, finally on the famous week 12!!! I skipped a dose of fluoxetine today because I knew my family were coming and I was already feeling anxious and flat from last nights quetiapine sleeper. I didn't want to feel spaced out on top. it was a really nice day, some sightseeing, food and drinks. just what I needed really. I am feeling quite depressed with life at the moment, so will try going another week on 10mg, and then back up to 20mg if I'm not feeling as I should be. I really need to condense down the events of the last 2 weeks!! I will! sorry have just been feeling low and not up to it, but I will tomorrow!!
Day 2
Felt very tired, didn't do much at all.
Day 3
was a bit naughty today, didn't take any meds. went to the gym to have a look around. was a bit nerve wracking because it was so busy and a lot of fitness freaks!! I'm collecting my mp3 player tomorrow and need to get a playlist together because the gym doesn't have headphones!! very annoying! I've also ordered a sports watch. need to go to the hairdressers tomorrow for consultation.
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