Need some help to not give into my reassurance seeking.

[Caseyg89]

Hi Pulisa,

You have been such a great help! Thank you for following my story.

I did not go to the hospital today, so I am working on the steps to not reassurance seek. I know what I need to do, it is just SO hard! It is so hard when my brain is firing anxious thoughts at me, trying to convince me that it's right and all of the doctors and tests are wrong.

The therapist I spoke to yesterday told me I have the right steps down with the challenging. I have also started thinking about facts vs opinions. I am not a skilled GI doctor and am basing my fear on stories I have made up about my own symptoms. I have done this time and time again and have been wrong this whole time. What is fact, is that 2 experienced GI doctors with 50+ years experience did endoscopes on me (if I am worried about obstruction, how would the camera get down or at least not notice an obstruction), that the conditions I am worried about are unlikely to begin with (I think like 5 in a million) and biopsies came back normal. I imagine to people without HA, they just think I am completely irrational. My goal now is to stop getting reassurance through tests.

[Ellient]

Hi Pulisa,

You have been such a great help! Thank you for following my story.

I did not go to the hospital today, so I am working on the steps to not reassurance seek. I know what I need to do, it is just SO hard! It is so hard when my brain is firing anxious thoughts at me, trying to convince me that it's right and all of the doctors and tests are wrong.

The therapist I spoke to yesterday told me I have the right steps down with the challenging. I have also started thinking about facts vs opinions. I am not a skilled GI doctor and am basing my fear on stories I have made up about my own symptoms. I have done this time and time again and have been wrong this whole time. What is fact, is that 2 experienced GI doctors with 50+ years experience did endoscopes on me (if I am worried about obstruction, how would the camera get down or at least not notice an obstruction), that the conditions I am worried about are unlikely to begin with (I think like 5 in a million) and biopsies came back normal. I imagine to people without HA, they just think I am completely irrational. My goal now is to stop getting reassurance through tests.

As pulisa stated these tests are invasive, I don't know how you managed to get so many. When I was pregnant I struggled to get a X-ray - they don't really like doing surgery or tests to pregnant women.

Isn't your unborn child enough reason to not want these tests? Imagine the stress it puts on you both.

I wish you all the best and you try and get help before your baby is born as having a baby is the hardest thing ever and definitely makes your emotions/hormones go all over the place.

[pulisa]

You HAVE to concentrate on FACT and not your own HA fiction. My son was actually born without an oesophagus so I am very clued up on oesophageal/stomach abnormalities and treatments and also on the dangers of repeated, unnecessary endoscopies. The fact is that any cancers would not be missed and the scope would not be able to pass down an obstructed gullet as you say (trying to convince yourself !!) You don't need to immerse yourself in any more medical info because you have had normal endoscopies with no remarkable findings other than pregnancy-related acid reflux which is very common and benign.

You can do this, Casey. You have to for the sake of your baby and to stop you projecting your HA onto your baby because you know it's a slippery slope.

[swajj]

As pulisa stated these tests are invasive, I don't know how you managed to get so many. When I was pregnant I struggled to get a X-ray - they don't really like doing surgery or tests to pregnant women.

Isn't your unborn child enough reason to not want these tests? Imagine the stress it puts on you both.

I wish you all the best and you try and get help before your baby is born as having a baby is the hardest thing ever and definitely makes your emotions/hormones go all over the place.

I agree with this.

How often do you attend therapy sessions?

[Caseyg89]

Thank you all for your support. It is so helpful to know that there are people who can somewhat understand what I am going through. This has completely taken over my life. I think one of the hardest things with health anxiety or health related obsessions of OCD, is believing that nothing physical is wrong and fully addressing the mental health. I am still so worried that they missed stomach cancer. My brain continues to think the "what ifs". I wonder, "what if the doctor didn't look enough into my stomach, what if I didn't relay the symptoms that would prompt them to look more closley, what if they didn't biopsy any suspicious spots so it came back as normal, what if stomach cancer isn't obvious on an endoscope". The doctor(s) went right into the duodenum so they would have had to look through my stomach. I also do think about the chances of two doctors missing stomach cancer. I am continuing to try to challenge this, but it is hard. I constantly have the urge to see if anywhere will give me a third scope, so I am currently working on fighting through this. I remember after the first scope, i told my husband, one more scope for a second opinion and I have to move on. I moved on... to colon cancer... now that, that fear has been cleared, I am back to fearing stomach cancer.

[Ellient]

Thank you all for your support. It is so helpful to know that there are people who can somewhat understand what I am going through. This has completely taken over my life. I think one of the hardest things with health anxiety or health related obsessions of OCD, is believing that nothing physical is wrong and fully addressing the mental health. I am still so worried that they missed stomach cancer. My brain continues to think the "what ifs". I wonder, "what if the doctor didn't look enough into my stomach, what if I didn't relay the symptoms that would prompt them to look more closley, what if they didn't biopsy any suspicious spots so it came back as normal, what if stomach cancer isn't obvious on an endoscope". The doctor(s) went right into the duodenum so they would have had to look through my stomach. I also do think about the chances of two doctors missing stomach cancer. I am continuing to try to challenge this, but it is hard. I constantly have the urge to see if anywhere will give me a third scope, so I am currently working on fighting through this. I remember after the first scope, i told my husband, one more scope for a second opinion and I have to move on. I moved on... to colon cancer... now that, that fear has been cleared, I am back to fearing stomach cancer.

You need help for your anxiety, the tests you are getting are strongly not advised in pregnancy.

Your whole stomach is changing of course you'll have symptoms of something you are pregnant and to get another test is simply selfish, you already know you have nothing wrong with you.

I really am failing to understand how your doctor hasn't picked up on your overuse of tests and noticed some anxiety, I may not know your whole situation though.

Are you going private for these tests?

[Fishmanpa]

Casey,

One of the positive things I've noticed about your posts is the self-awareness of the challenges you face. That's light years ahead of many here on the boards. Your motivation and the fact you're seeking professional help is a huge positive as well.

I face different challenges from the real physical issues I face and it's sometimes a daily battle to do the things I need to do to maintain the progress I've made but I force myself to do them and while I falter occasionally, it's all about the getting up and continuing. We cannot expect to take every step forward. We must expect a step back now and again and not beat ourselves up about it.

Many here, including yourself have fears about illnesses that can put you six feet under. Read the quote in my signature and take it to heart. I actually have physical issues that can put me in the ground. Sadly, the mental issues and fear so many here have is doing that above ground. Living in fear is not really living.

IMO, I see you moving in a positive direction and you have motivating factors to continue doing so.

Positive thoughts

[pulisa]

Casey, what happens after the potential 3rd opinion? A 4th? At what point will you call a halt to the stomach cancer scenario and what will you move onto next? You must be spending a hell of a lot of money on these tests and the hospital clinicians are complying with your HA by just taking your money and not appreciating the extent of your addiction for tests. Surely your therapist and your GP should liaise to stop this dangerous practice? If you can't stop yourself you have to get others to do it for you?

[Caseyg89]

Hi guys!

Thank you Fishmanpa. I am really trying hard. I do have a good recognition of what is going on. It is unfortunately when I experience a "Symptom" of the condition I am fearing that all rationality goes out the window, I panic and try to go for a test. This behaviour of getting a test has continued to reinforce me and my actions, as each time I go and get a test, I get a clear result (or something minor found) and it relieves my anxiety. The problem is, with HA, you don't believe it and you question it. When i think rationally, the fact that I think two separate, experienced GI doctors missed esophageal or stomach cancer is completely inappropriate, but it;s those automatic thoughts.

Pulisa, I totally agree with you. It is actually one thing that keeps me from not getting a test. When I get the urge, I say to myself 'what would the third one do that is separate from the second?" or why would i believe the third one when I don't believe the second one. How many would i need to believe it (i know the answer would be that I could have 10 and still doubt). I am also very ashamed of what I have done to get these tests. My GP is not the one referring me to them and I am lucky she hasn't fired me as a patient. I go to hospitals to get them done. I will travel to different hospitals if one won't give me the test that i believe I need. My GP and I have tried to work out a plan that I go and see her first and she will be the gate keeper. Issue is, when I get really anxious, I don't seem to care about this plan and just want to alleviate the anxiety.

[pulisa]

Your GP has a duty of care to you and should alert hospitals to what you are doing. This is dangerous, Casey, and it's no good her just talking to you about it. Your unborn baby is at risk too.