Had a bloomin' nasty anxiety/panic bout today and feel really angry at myself for letting it get to me. In brief here's how it went:-
Went out with my sister and friend last night for the first time in years, just into local town for a few drinks. Found it pretty testing, drank water and diet coke the entire night but did manage to stick it out til 11.30.
Couldn't sleep when I went to bed because felt annoyed that I wasn't able to relax, drink and enjoy the night like a 'normal' person so was awake til gone 1am.
Didn't do much with my morning, had a little nap when the baby went down and felt crappy cos my period is due (and still hasn't turned up I might add!) Got ready when partner got home from work at about 12 and my mum turned up for a chin wag and a cuppa which was nice.
Gave the baby lunch and decided that despite having bit of tummy ache I should walk into town as it was such a nice day (something I'm able to do most days without any trouble.) My partner then annouces that he's coming too which immediately made me feel anxious for all the obvious reasons - have to explain myself I turn and come home, will upset/annoy him if I'm unable to do what we set out to do, he might need to go a few places and expect me to come along etc, etc.
So we set off and within minutes I need the loo. We're too far from home to turn around and yet the closer to town we get the more anxious I feel which in turn makes me need the loo even more. I tell him whats going on and that I want to go home and he starts to challenge my thoughts there and then which makes me feel all indecisive and unsure of myself.
I take his advice and carry on into town by which time I desperate for the loo and basically head for a shop which I know has nice toilets I can use. I tried to tell him to go off and do his own thing and I'll come and find him but he insists on waiting for me which of course means I feel rushed.
Now had it not been for the tablets I'm on which sort of stop most of the physical panic symptoms I would of been a wreck but instead I sat on the loo in silent turmoil. My mind was racing with all kinds of really stupid negative thoughts and made me feel like last night had alot to answer for and has set me back instead of helping me break new ground.
Anyway my partner then rang to say he was still waiting even though I was only minutes and so I hurried out to meet him feeling really apprehensive and unsure about what to do. As we headed out the back of the shop I could feel myself getting more tense as it meant I was walking further in the opposite direction of my home. I stopped and basically gave in to the panic, I asked him to do a few things for me but he refused on principle and said I should be doing them.
We parted on pretty rubbish terms because I just wanted to leave and once I was alone (as I am normally) with just my son in the buggy I felt marginally better. I stopped to look in a few shops and then forced myself to go to the shop that I originally wanted to go in. It was hot and busy which didn't help the way I was feeling. I tried to push myself but after a half hearted attempt at joining the queue I turned and left without the goods.
I met up with my partner on the way home and he'd bought me some lunch. He was totally fine with me but I can't stop dwelling on the whole episode. I'm trying to get myself geared up for the meet next saturday but the way things are going I'm not holding out much hope.
Sorry to ramble but no one else would understand how these ordeals have such big repocussions (spelling??)
Caroline - not so Fab Pants :-(
x
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]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'
Hoping I'll be ok on thursday as I have to take my eldest there for a friends party.
