Just looked around a bit. I can see that I have things in common with several people whose posts I read. I have always suffered from depression or maybe just a sadness about life. I have been diagnosed as depressed, dysthymic, bipolar (NOS), and suffering from GAD. I used to think diagnoses meant something but I don't anymore. I used to take meds, but I don't now. The anti-depressants made me numb so I could show up for various soul-sucking jobs and make a living. I'm retired now, so I don't take the pills. I exercise and meditate. This helps. I gave up drinking and recreational drugs 20 years ago because I had to raise three children. I did this and they all finished college.
I can't complain too much. I have money and health. Most of the bad things are past, but haunting: My parents and relatives were alcoholic or bipolar. My sister died when I was young. My parents sent me to boarding school when I was 12. We moved every two years as my father was in the military. Life just seems very odd, confused, random, and a bit sad. There are glimmering moments. Deep down there is the sadness like the universe's background radiation, like a default setting. This never dissipates. The silence of God is deafening.
Maybe I'll find something inspiring here or even say something that helps another. Life is so uncomfortable but there is nothing else. I'll be writing again, probably the same thing over and over, maybe not, maybe there will be...?
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