Relationship doubts

[maianixon]

Sorry if this is a really long post. I was just very recently diagnosed with OCD as I changed my psychiatrist and she right away said that it sounds like very much like OCD to her rather than GAD which was my previous diagnosis (and tbh I never really ralated to that if that makes sense), she was even surprised that no one's ever picked up on it before. Tbh a lot of things I struggle with suddenly made much more sense but also a lot of behaviors I thought were 'normal' before she said they were typical signs of OCD.
Anyway the main thing I struggle with (apart from HA) is relationships. That was always clear to me and it was sort of established its a consequence of bad abandonment issues that I have. Anyway my psych then said some of it sounds like ocd behaviour to her as well and it sort of left me a bit confused. Basically the main thing I struggle with apart from the fear of abandonment are constant relationship doubts.

I have been in a relationship for 2 years and it's my first serious relationship as well as the first time I am wirh someone who is genuinely a really great person that (supposedly) really loves me as well as I really love him. Ever since the start of relationship I've been having constant intrusive thoughts "is he right for me?" which was ridiculous considering I'm 22 (20 at the time) so realistically it's not like i'm looking ti get married soon lol. I had absolutely no reason to ask myself that as I was really happy and in love but it was a constant doubt that kept popping in my head and was just stronger with time. Then it became joined with "Does he really love me?/Does he love me enough?" and "Do I really love him or am I lying to myself?" as well as really desperately seeking reassurance. This thoughts became increasingly stronger and started producing more and more anxiety and negative feelings. I kept thinking this is my intuition speaking and that I should break up with him which made me feel terrible because I really love him and he makes me happy so I really don't want to, but there is constant thoughts in my head that are telling me I should and doubt every aspect of our relationship. This kept/is getting worse with time and has also turned in picking on every single trait he has and analyzing it whether I like it or not. I always ask my friends questions whether they think he's right for me or loves me enough and they just look at me weirdly. I also keep getting these thoughts that I should break up with him or more than thaT mainly that I have to cheat on him. I don't even know why and it's not the kind of person I am nor I want to, I'm not attracted to anyone else but it's just a constant thought I have that I need to cheat on him it just makes sense in my head without it really making sense I can't explain?. Like I said this is becoming an increasing problem also in my relationship because half of time I have feelings of resentment to him because I pick apart and check and doubt every aspect of him and our relationship and half of the time towards me for having these thoughts and wanting to cheat. I try to keep it hidden from him but it's eating me inside because I know I love him and would be devastated to lose him but I can't get rid of these constant doubts in my head which are even worse combined with my fear of abandonment (its also one of the things that I believe triggered my HA).
Anyway I was wondering if this sounds like relationship OCD thinking because I read a tiny bit about it and really saw myself in it and it almost brings a weird comfort for me as I think maybe then it's not a flaw with my relationship or not just something I go through but other people do to. But like I said i'm relatively new to this and didn't get to speak to my psych or therapist about it a lot yet.

[Beach]

Hello, I too have a fear of abandonment and while I do not explicitly question whether my other half loves me, I do implictly. It's just taken as given to me that someone couldn't possibly love me for who I am. You also mention that you feel like you should break up with him - this is a control factor and I have this too although, again, I wouldn't break up with him I would just do things to "push him away" so that he broke up with me. For me, I am uncomfortable with uncertainty and would much rather shoot myself in the foot and sabotage everything to know the outcome. This is definitely a form of control. This is definitely self saboatge and you could end up convincing yourself that you're not worthy of happiness, ending it, and finding yourself desperately sad. I have been there and luckily my partner has agreed to "take me back".

What I would say is, it does sound like elements of OCD in that there's a ritual or pattern to sabotage when things are going good. I'm no therapsit though so cannot diagnose. There may be some anxiety in there. Have you tried CBT?

[maianixon]

Yeah I am getting CBT atm mainly to work on my HA but I'm fairly sure that this is where that is also originating from. Like the moment I was the happiest with my boyfriend and couldn't find anything wrong i started developing very physical symptoms that took over my life and they do get worse when I'm with him especially when I'm happy - it's like the self sabotage you mentioned.

Tbh this will sound dumb but I was always afraid to explicitly talk about this to my therapist or psychiatrist. First I fear I will seem like a dumb girl that's obsessed with her boyfriend I know that i shouldnt worry about that but it's something I cant shake I feel really embarrassed when I imply to someone that i think relationships are the focus of my mental health struggles. More than that I have this thought probably irrational that if I tell my therapist or doctor about this they will say something like that I should listen to my intuition (like I said I often struggle with thinking these thoughts are my intuition lol) and break up with him if he's making me unhappy and the thought of that gives me so much anxiety because it would only make the intrusive thoughts/doubts worse and I know that I don't really want to break up with him.
Rationally I know they probably wouldnt say that especially now when I hear that this is not just me but a lot of people struggle with this but it's still hard for me to bring this up for that reason. I think I will have to because these thoughts are taking over my life like I said I am growing so much undeserved resentment for my boyfriend as well as myself and manifesting itself physically

---------- Post added at 06:46 ---------- Previous post was at 06:41 ----------

And yeah like you said about the control factor I constantly have these thought that I should break up with him (and I did impulsively once in one of those moments but it was horrible) but when I don't I get this idk really negative feeling like I'm angry with myself or ashamed for being so weak that i don't do it, but rationally i'm 100% i want to be with him??? like minus my mental health its a really good and healthy relationship and hes been so supportive of my ha and everything..
and its like this thought that i should cheat in my head is basically like if i cheat on him the "balance" will be restored like i could still be with him but feel better... it makes no sense when i say it but it does in my head i cant explain

[ubma]

I emphasise, especially with your last post - I suffered a lot from relationship doubts last year. It was a really stressful period in my life and I projected a lot of anxiety I was feeling about other things (my grandad's terminal illness and death, university work) onto my relationship (ironically, I think, because it's so good and strong that it was almost a "safe" thing to worry about). It was at the point where I was doubting my love for him constantly, getting myself worked up and then crying hysterically over the thought of him leaving me (a lot of my worries were contradictory - anxiety isn't very logical!). I had CBT ostensibly for my worrying in general, although what I really wanted to talk about were my relationship doubts. I'd mention them in passing and we'd work on them a bit, but I didn't want to confess that that was essentially all I was doubting and worrying myself over because I didn't want to seem like I was obsessed with my boyfriend/in an awful relationship. I'm not in an awful relationship at all - and my therapist never told me to leave my boyfriend or implied at all that I should. She just asked me the same kinds of questions she asked me about other thoughts, and helped me identify the cognitive distortions I was employing and the leaps I was making.

Have you spoken to him about it/your OCD at all? I've found talking with my partner really useful - not seeking reassurance (that was a hard habit to break!) but rather just saying "hey, I'm struggling with anxiety about how I feel about you". Having him understand really took away a lot of the power the thoughts had over me, and now I'm at the point where I only have doubts about my relationship occasionally and now I can let the thoughts drift by without seizing onto them, which really should be the ultimate aim.

I hope some of what I said was helpful/resonates with you! I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, you can get better and feel happy and secure in your relationship again, and that your therapist definitely won't think you're irrational or tell you to listen to your intuition.

[maianixon]

Thank so much for your reply honestly it makes me feel better just knowing that other people have gone through the same, until a week ago I had no idea what was going on with me, I had a wrong diagnosis i didn't relate to at all and I kept desperately looking for the cause what was happening to me and why am I being like this and just that was making me feel worse. My former psychiatrist didnt believe diagnosis matters and while i guess theres arguments for that it really helped me when I changed doctors and this one explained OCD to me and everything makes so much more sense all the sudden and just that makes me feel a bit less alone.

I really want to tell my boyfriend how I feel but at the same time I'm worried its not fair to him. The past 6 months he has been constantly dealing with my endless HA obsessions and it's like the girl he fell in love with is gone and I can see him losing patience. Not to mention I've been treating him horribly half of the time because of all the resentment caused by my anxiety and he really doesn't deserve it. Once when I was drunk few months back I straight out said "I think all my anxiety problems are because of you." which was OBVIOUSLY a very wrong way of putting him and it really hurt and confused him so I really don't have a heart to explain this to him as well as I'm scared to lose him after he's already put up with so much the past months. While he tries his best to help and be there for me he's the most 'stable' person I know and he's never had any kind of mental health struggles so while he tries to he really doesn't understand most of it.

---------- Post added at 18:03 ---------- Previous post was at 17:57 ----------

I do think I need to get courage together and talk about this with my therapist. Especially with my HA everyone has been telling me that it has to be a distraction from a "real problem" and thats what i have to deal with instead of focusing on symptoms and I would secretly agree with everyone and it has been pretty much clear to me from the start that this is the cause for my HA and physical symptoms but I was afraid to deal with because I was convinced that dealing with the real issue would mean that I need to break up with my boyfriend

[KBC]

Hello, I also suffer from this. My story began a couple of months ago around late March. I'm in a healthy relationship with my wonderful boyfriend and overall it's great. But one time i wasn't "Feeling" in love. Like i was feeling tired and a bit nervous, and some thoughts came in. "what if i'm losing feelings?" I began to freak out and cry, and then once i realized it was just my anxiety i calmed down. It happened again after another date we went on. Nothing was even wrong, we were fine and i felt fine about him. I later found out i had OCD, and everything from my past with pure O started to make sense. So after i found out i was determined to get better for him and for us. It was up and down after that. New doubts came in and more anxiety built up. It got so bad that i started overthinking the way he texted me, how much time he spent with his friend, i got intrusive thoughts that maybe it is real, i got a lot of anxiety from it, i worried what we had was toxic. When i was around him i felt okay, but after that i kept getting more doubts, even more scared. I thought he was putting his friend before me when he wasn't, i thought he didn't care about me or love me anymore, i thought i didn't love him because of how i felt i had hit rock bottom, i thought it was the relationship and not my fears and OCD. Of course i know it's not us, I've been so used to speaking to him a lot, and i forget sometimes that he has a life and friends, and sometimes i'm not always going to be his top priority because we're in school still.

[HappyBread]

Sorry if this is a really long post. I was just very recently diagnosed with OCD as I changed my psychiatrist and she right away said that it sounds like very much like OCD to her rather than GAD which was my previous diagnosis (and tbh I never really ralated to that if that makes sense), she was even surprised that no one's ever picked up on it before. Tbh a lot of things I struggle with suddenly made much more sense but also a lot of behaviors I thought were 'normal' before she said they were typical signs of OCD.
Anyway the main thing I struggle with (apart from HA) is relationships. That was always clear to me and it was sort of established its a consequence of bad abandonment issues that I have. Anyway my psych then said some of it sounds like ocd behaviour to her as well and it sort of left me a bit confused. Basically the main thing I struggle with apart from the fear of abandonment are constant relationship doubts.

I have been in a relationship for 2 years and it's my first serious relationship as well as the first time I am wirh someone who is genuinely a really great person that (supposedly) really loves me as well as I really love him. Ever since the start of relationship I've been having constant intrusive thoughts "is he right for me?" which was ridiculous considering I'm 22 (20 at the time) so realistically it's not like i'm looking ti get married soon lol. I had absolutely no reason to ask myself that as I was really happy and in love but it was a constant doubt that kept popping in my head and was just stronger with time. Then it became joined with "Does he really love me?/Does he love me enough?" and "Do I really love him or am I lying to myself?" as well as really desperately seeking reassurance. This thoughts became increasingly stronger and started producing more and more anxiety and negative feelings. I kept thinking this is my intuition speaking and that I should break up with him which made me feel terrible because I really love him and he makes me happy so I really don't want to, but there is constant thoughts in my head that are telling me I should and doubt every aspect of our relationship. This kept/is getting worse with time and has also turned in picking on every single trait he has and analyzing it whether I like it or not. I always ask my friends questions whether they think he's right for me or loves me enough and they just look at me weirdly. I also keep getting these thoughts that I should break up with him or more than thaT mainly that I have to cheat on him. I don't even know why and it's not the kind of person I am nor I want to, I'm not attracted to anyone else but it's just a constant thought I have that I need to cheat on him it just makes sense in my head without it really making sense I can't explain?. Like I said this is becoming an increasing problem also in my relationship because half of time I have feelings of resentment to him because I pick apart and check and doubt every aspect of him and our relationship and half of the time towards me for having these thoughts and wanting to cheat. I try to keep it hidden from him but it's eating me inside because I know I love him and would be devastated to lose him but I can't get rid of these constant doubts in my head which are even worse combined with my fear of abandonment (its also one of the things that I believe triggered my HA).
Anyway I was wondering if this sounds like relationship OCD thinking because I read a tiny bit about it and really saw myself in it and it almost brings a weird comfort for me as I think maybe then it's not a flaw with my relationship or not just something I go through but other people do to. But like I said i'm relatively new to this and didn't get to speak to my psych or therapist about it a lot yet.

Wow as I'm reading this, it sounded like I'm reading something that my ex gf wrote about the situation that we were both in. But I know you weren't her cause we were together for 4-6 years lol.

I loved her dearly and would never leave her no matter what but she still chose to end things with me because she "Lost her feelings" for me so there's that. Don't worry, it took me quite a few years but I'm over her already

I'll just share with you my perspective, hopefully it can help somehow for your situation.

If I'm right, your guy is very much like me. Loyal, faithful and just loves you for who you are, no matter how big of a fight would occur between the 2 of you, he'd still come back to say that he loves you.

Should I be right? Know this- The man has committed himself to you. No matter what happens, he will never leave you and he just wishes the same from you.

Trust me when I say this-

Questions on feelings and love are redundant. You don't question them internally. You experience them via actions.

Also, a relationship is not about "Feelings". Feelings come and go. It's about commitment.

Even for friendship alone, we can cut off ties with anyone at anytime but we still have best friends that we cling onto for life even though we don't always meet up nor have time for each other. Why? We choose to commit ourselves to them just as they did to us.

If you want your relationship with your guy to work, don't give up on him and he will not give up on you (Again, I'm assuming he's like the me back then with my ex).

Don't question anything unless he gives you a reason to with his actions.

Remember, relationship is about commitment- NOT FEELINGS.

Hope this helped in anyway and good luck
If you got questions or feel like connecting in any way, do feel free to pm me okay? I'd be happy to help!