Hi,
I live in the United States. I've had severe OCD and anxiety since I was a child, but as I entered my 20s, I started to develop health anxiety, as well. I saw this show when I was about 20 - "Monsters Inside Me" - that was about parastitic diseases, and I remember having this crazy tingling sensation for days afterward, and all these fears about tapeworms and stuff. I think that was the beginning, but it's only been in the past few years that it's gotten out of control.
I did 23andme, where they show you your genetic risk, and started obsessively researching my results. I found some bad things, and from there, started developing specific fears. I was obsessively terrified of having a brain aneurysm back in 2014, because my genetic result said I have SNPs (variants) associated with increased risk. I had an MRA done on my brain that actually came back positive for an aneurysm, which sent me into an even further downward spiral. I ended up seeing an expert neurosurgeon who told me it was an artifact of the MRA. For my peace of mind, he did a CTA of my brain - there was no aneurysm. The experience was so traumatic, though, that it only made everything worse. I started having panic attacks that sent me to the hospital - I thought I was dying. I went on to jump from brain aneurysm to fearing ALS. I worry about my amalgam fillings from childhood causing ALS, because people talk about the mercury. Now, my current fear is my heart.
I had an EKG done during one of my panic attacks that came back weird. It said "rsr in v1 or v2" and "lateral lead repolarization abnormality." The doctor checked the box that said "nonspecific t wave and st segment abnormalities." I, of course, Googled all of this, and it led me to a right bundle branch block and all of these congenital disorders - namely, Brugada Syndrome. I know it's rare, but my grandfather drowned when he was 35, which doesn't help my fears, even as my mother swears it was an alcohol-related boating accident with his friends. Something about him hitting his head on a rock and being dragged into the river current. I know she doesn't have much info, though, as she was so young when it happened, and my family just doesn't talk about it, so I have this fear that he just suddenly had a cardiac arrest while swimming or because of the alcohol (Google tells me it can unmask the Brugada rhythm).
So, now, I'm in this constant fear of having sudden cardiac arrest/death. I can't think clearly, can't work, can't clean my house, can't laugh. I'm ruining my marriage - my partner talked the other night about missing when we would have fun together, instead of looking up how to read EKGs online. I miss it, too, more than anything. I miss who I used to be, but this EKG makes my fears seem real - like, there's really something wrong. What if my heart just stops? I don't want it to stop. I'm 27. I had all these plans for a future - a family, traveling, finally finishing a book, that I'm convinced won't happen, because I'm convinced I have a heart problem now, because of this EKG.
My doctor ordered a holter monitor a week ago, but I still haven't gotten a call about scheduling it. Did I mention I live in the US, so this is going to cost me so much money. I just want to feel confident that my heart is going to be doing its thing for another 50 years. I just want to feel safe in my body again.
I know this was a long, long post. I just feel awful. My chest is tight, my mind is gone, I can't breathe. The irony is that in my fear of death, I am not living at all. I want my old life back. I want to laugh and spend time with my spouse. I want to be creative again. I used to do theatre, even. I'm supposed to start a new job next week - how can I? I've even started having panic attacks when I drive, afraid my heart is going to stop while I'm driving. I have trouble being home alone, afraid I'll die. I can't do anything, because I keep thinking about my heart stopping.
I can't imagine anyone took the time to read all this, but thank you for letting me pour all of that out. I feel so alone and scared.
Reply With Quote
