I would like to share the brief moment of happiness I have right now with all of you!

I did lots of self work this week while I've had the flu, and the session I just had with my therapist was fantastic. Here's the books I've been reading which have helped:

The Drama of the Being A Child, Alice Miller
Are You My Mother? and FunHouse, Alison Bechdel
Why Love Matters, Sue Gerhardt

I've also been reading about narcissistic mothers online, and rereading definitions of abuse.

It's heavy stuff, but it's helped me make connections. I've got so much pressure on me to be Amazing and Beautiful and Clever and Creative so much of the time, that I make myself physically ill through the effort of doing it. And then when I'm ill, I finally get a chance to not be all those things - things I was conditioned to be or else (as in, my mother wouldn't love me as much if I didn't achieve what she wanted me to do - an unconscious feeling that most people get). So me being ill is a relief from having to be this 'False Self' all the time. Our whole society expects us to be these False Selves.

I feel like I'm reinventing the rules of my life. I am able to get more and more clear about my line of questioning as I experience emotions that I used to repress. I can begin to question the things that are invisible in society because they are so normal, we can't see them - finally I get to start seeing them a bit. I'm breaking away from what's expected of me, and finding other bits of the world I identify with better.

It's so great! I know this feeling won't last, but right now I'm contented that I've been making progress recently.

There have been lots of tears and I've felt horrified. This is part of it. I'm learning to embrace the pain as part of my recovery, rather than something I need to just get rid of or change. The pain will lead me to the questions, and that will lead to the change.

NMP world, please take a little bit of my happiness and sprinkle it in your dreams tonight! Dream of endless ice cream and the funniest person you can think of doing funny things especially for you at your birthday party. xxx