Can't make close friends

[lg123]

I think of myself as being a nice person (kind, caring, loving), but yet I struggle to make close friends. I’m quite a friendly and sociable person, and I’ve certainly come out of my shell a lot since childhood, but when it comes to making close friends, i just can’t seem to do it anymore. I never used to have trouble with this. At school and at university I always had my group of friends who I made quite easily and naturally and then some other friends outside that group. After university, I made some close friends again. But in the last few years, I can’t seem to get close to anyone. I’m not sure if it’s me pushing people away, or just the way life has evolved. I know I have the tendency at the moment to push people when I feel like they’re asking for too much of me or they’re being too needy. I don’t like myself much and I’m generally not very happy so I do find myself getting annoyed at people a lot more than I used to.


I used to socialise a lot and enjoy it but now I often just feel like I want to stay at home a lot. I always used to like to be around people all the time, now I don’t feel like that. Oftentimes I just can’t wait to get away from people and back home to my own flat. But I’m desperately lonely and unhappy. It doesn’t help that I have such long work days that I feel exhausted afterwards and I just want to go home.


Even the friends I’ve made in the last few years, while they are nice people, they’re not really there for me when I need them. For example, I recently had a really bad patch of anxiety and because I didn’t feel like I had a support network here, I felt like the only I could get through it was to go back to my parents. When I came back again after feeling better, my friends weren’t really that supportive and didn’t make time for me. They answered messages but wouldn’t meet up with me much. I felt like I had to get through it all on my own and with the support of my mum over the phone. I remember asking one friend if we could meet for lunch during the week and she said something along the lines of well I’m really busy so you’ll just have to ask on the day and I will see if I could maybe fit you in. I have barely any plans for the week and weekend any more other than when I do activities. It doesn’t help that I live in a city where people come and go all the time and so many of my good friends have left. I do try to make new friends but it isn’t easy. I feel like this leads me to form negative friendships and relationships with people that I don’t really like or aren’t good for me, just because I want affection and attention.


I’m also doing something I’ve never really done before - questioning whether the people I spend my time are really the right people for me. Before I just made friends and if the people weren’t good for me, then they would fade away from my life.


I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong and when I can’t be a more open person who makes friends more easily and can get what it is that I want. I don’t have the energy every night to go out and try to make new friends (but I do try), especially when even when I do try and make friends, it doesn’t seem to happen or go anywhere. People are just too busy for me.

[randomforeigner]

You probably don't do anything wrong, after they turn 30, people are busy as you say and many people socialize mostly with family or friends they already have (after that it's neighbours, and after that work mates). Do you have any hobbies or something you like (or liked in the past) to do in your spare time? Or something you could consider doing but haven't started yet?

[SadMani]

Well i dont know, all the friends that ive had have left me at some point in time, whats the point of setting yourself up to even more possible pain?

[randomforeigner]

Well i dont know, all the friends that ive had have left me at some point in time, whats the point of setting yourself up to even more possible pain?

Maybe you never had all that many friends, and those you had might not have been right for you? If you have for example social anxiety, and a small network at that, there's a tendency to hang out with people who also have problems and this might be an explanation to why it has been particularly difficult for you. And now you're stuck with this association: friends --> pain. But it doesn't have to be that way.