Feeling I am worse than anyone and can't recover?

[Bonnibelle]

I shall do my best to keep this short but I have so many issues that have led me to where i am today but I shall do my best lol! I am also only mentioning my past to just give an indication of what I have been through as it may be relevant to how I am feeling today. I am not a victim. I am a survivor who is just struggling to move foward.

Ok, I had anxiety at 19, my childhood was hard as I had parents who were abusive to eachother and being the eldest of 4 children i was another mother helping my mother bring up her children. My brother had mental health issues and the impact that had on me was huge. Anyway I had anxiety here and there throughout my twenties but nothing serious as I had 3 children and got married. I worked and had a good social life. Then 5 years ago I lost my grandmother suddenly which was the worst thing as I never thought she would leave me and she was more of a mother to me than the one I had. The year before this my brother had some kind of break and he was attacking family members (once my husband was hurt by him infront of our children) then a year later he chased me in my car and attacked me in a police station where I ran in for help. From that day my mother and sisters cut me off, they accused me of having him arrested and all kinds of crazy things. He became suicidal due to guilt of what he did to me and my mother resented me for that. They all resented me for not forgiving him and I was accused of splitting the family up. I had forgiven him time and time again and he was hurting me and my family. He was hurting his own children and needed help, I had to walk away for my childrens safety aswell as my own.

I developed anxiety so severe I developed agoraphobia and social anxiety. I was also dealing with grief and loss of my family with no reason of why I lost them. I developed severe anxiety and I couldn't function. My hubby had to work from home and help me to appointments etc.. then after therapy and hard work I overcame it all and after 18 months life was good. I was out doing appointments again with minimal anxiety, shops, cinema, restaurants, holidays and days out... Life was amazing again. My mother wanted back in my life as did my sisters and I agreed to be civil for our childrens sakes as they missed their cousins and my mum. My mum and sisters continued to try and get me to forgive my brother and were horrible to me if I said I couldn't, this put a strain on things and I began to regret letting them back in. They didn't want to know about what it had caused me and my mother once I seemed better said to me 'you seem better these days,you went a bit weird for a while'. Heart breaking considering I was suffering from PTSD after an attack.

Then in late 2015 my son was being badly bullied to the point he became suicidal and he couldn't tell me. He was seeing a therapist in school and she rang me one day and said he had told her how he would do it and it had worried her. It broke me, I was in pieces on the floor and I couldn't breathe. The following 3 weeks were hell, I was having to cope with a very unwell son who I had to force to school each day, I'd drop him at the school gates and he would be in the car being sick and begging me not to leave him there. I'd go home sobbing and just cry all day. The school would ring almost every day saying they couldn't cope with his panic attacks and sickness so he would have to come home. My GP referred him to the mental health team who said due to funding they couldn't help and I'd be the best person for the job as I have overcome anxiety in my past. Awful treatment. During those 3 months I became very ill. One day I just collapsed and was bed ridden for 2 weeks unable to even walk down the stairs due to how fatigued, weak and dizzy i was. My GP came to see me 3 time in 3 months and he ran tests. All fine so he diagnosed post traumatic stress and said what my son had gone through was very traumatic and i had been coping with it all alone. My husband worked full time and I had no family to support me. I one evening rang my mother sobbing telling her how bad things were for my son and how scared I was of losing him, at the time my daughter had been rushed into hospital with a bowel infection and was very unwell, her dad had to stay with her as I couldn't leave my son. I asked my mum to support me, to just hug me and help me through this, her response 'you know i would if I could'. She lives 10 minutes away. It broke me further and ever since all of that trauma I have been physically ill for over 15 months.

All of last year I had chronic fatigue, weak legs, and some dizziness daily. If i overdid things even just around the house or a day out I'd have a crash which meant I couldn't get out of bed for a day or 2 due to the intensity of my fatigue and weakness and on those days my anxiety would soar due to the way I felt frightening me. I would mainly crash though after seeing my mother. She would visit every 6 weeks or so, see me ill and not offer any support or love. She would pop round for tea and cake on a weekend every 6 weeks just to see the children. I allowed it, had to smile through it and pretend I was fine, then once she left I'd go to bed shaking, weak and fatigued for days. My Gp was aware of these crashes and put it down to stress and depression. He ran more blood tests and we found I had an underactive thyroid which could have been contributing of course. it's optimally medicated at the moment but I am still here struggling with chronic fatigue, brain fog, weak legs some days and just a drained feeling.

On top of this, over the last year due to being so fatigued and weak I went out less and less which led to me being housebound. From being home so much I then started to feel unreality and derealisation as I had no contact with the outside world. I then had a panic attack during a blood test at my doctors surgery and since I haven't stepped foot in there again in a year. My GP comes to my house or rings me (he is so fine about it, he is brilliant) but I feel so ashamed for now not being able to do any appointments. I find day light too bright and it triggers unreality feelings, I find driving hard doing the school run due to unreality too... I know it's all due to the isolation and a year of ill health. Also in this time I developed depression, I guess not a big surprise considering how hurt I was feeling and unwell. My husband and children are absolutely amazing and they keep me going, with them I smile and feel happy. Yet due to the last year of fear of how ill I have been, and the crashes scaring me I have developed such awful anxiety. I daily feel anxious even at home purely because of how weak and fatigued I feel. Can anxiety/depression really make you this tired? My GP says it's been partly the thyroid but he also thinks trauma has triggered chronic fatigue. He says anxiety and depression can make a person so tired. I can believe that but surely it cannot cause the crashes I feel? At Christmas my mother turned up wanting us to talk,I didn't want to as I felt very ill throughout December as it's a trigger month for me after what happened to me with my brother 5 years ago. We talked and for once I told her how much she had hurt me and abandoned me. I told her I felt as a mother myself, what she did to me was much worse than what my brother had done and that I was so hurt that she hasn't cared to even support me through my ill health when I needed her the most. She promised to change (she hasn't as I haven't seen her once since our talk). The day after our talk I was so ill with weakness, dizziness and awful fatigue. It took me days to feel better. I told my GP and again he said stress and anxiety had caused a crash. Is this possible?

What happened with my family 5 years ago just wasn't left either. I'd dread every birthday and Christmas as my sister would demand to see my kids, she goes behind my back and rings my sons inviting them to her house knowing if i say no my sons will be upset with me as they miss their cousins. Twice I allowed my mum and sister to have my children over and they went behind my back and had my brother round which resulted in my sons texting us terrified asking us to pick them up. My family say I am dramatic and should just get over what he did even though it's left me mentally scarred and my 2 sons had anxiety issues after seeing their father attacked by my brother. So my past haunts me as my family won't leave me alone.

I just feel I am a complete idiot. Everything I worked hard to get back in my life I have lost this last year. I cannot do appointments so I dread ever being so ill I am rushed into hospital as I couldn't cope being so far from home and in such a big busy place with my unreality. So I fear they'd lock me up lol! Hubby takes the children to their appointments and parents evenings this last year. I even fear I won't make it to my daughters leavers service this July when she leaves primary school which kills me as she is my everything. I went to both my sons despite having anxiety but I feel my chronic fatigue has made everything so much worse this time. I am always so tired, weak and brain fogged. The unreality is now a big issue, is it normal to not even be able to look at yourself in the mirror without feeling unreal and like everything is too bright? I am told this is just anxiety. I can just about drive my kids to school but on bad fatigue days they walk, I can do a small shop and parks with hubby and the kids but find even those can make me exhausted. I can't even open the door to the postman this last year, I have at times but other times I just can't as I have a huge rush to my head and my vision goes all black and I panic. That's how strong I panic. Socially I cannot socialise due to the panic like I get answering the door.

I feel a complete idiot and a terrible wife and mother. I still cook, clean, spend time with my family and do my very best but feel I am not enough. This last year I haven't been able to do cinemas, restaurants or big events that I could do again. I feel I drag my family down with my health limiting things.

I am in therapy again and this therapist has diagnosed PTSD, anxiety disorder which branches off into the agoraphobia and social issues. I worry I cannot recover and this time round my anxiety is complicated by this crippling fatigue. I am stuck in a cycle of looking back at the last year and with fear of how unwell I have felt and I am traumatised almost by how bad some of my crashes felt. My GP has also worried me recently running more tests and some are out of range which I posted about on the health anxiety forum, which has made my anxiety even worse. I am now afraid has there been something else all along and it's been missed because surely anxiety and depression cannot make you as tired and crashing like I have done over the last year.

Sorry this got long. I hope I don't come across as a complete idiot. I am just so worried about how unwell I feel physically and how badly it's effected me mentally and I want to move forward but feel I can't due to how fatigued and brain fogged I am. I feel drained and like my brain is so bogged down. I said to my husband the best way to describe it is I feel I have been thrown down a dark hole surrounded my all these painful memories that I can't forget and I have a sumo wrestle sat on top of me so I can't even try to climb back out. lol! This has been so hard for me to write down and admit. I apologise for the length of my post. If anyone can relate or reassure me about anything I've mentioned I'd appreciate it. I feel so alone coping with this right now. I am 37, happily married and just want to feel free of all this worry and work on my anxiety and maybe accept that the way I feel physically is due to everything I have been through, maybe i do underestimate the effect it has had on me.

B

[Bill]

Reverse this. Read what you've typed as if you're reading someone elses post then ask yourself the same questions.

You'll find yourself saying isn't it any wonder they're suffering a backlash after enduring so many traumatic events. I think you'll also then see what the doctor and therapist are saying because to me it all makes perfect sense.

I think you need to remind yourself of a couple of things -

Firstly, you've been through So much overa long period of time. It will therefore sadly take time until you're recovered but gradually you will start feeling better.

Secondly, never beat yourself up for being a perfectly normal mother, wife and human being. In life we suffer physical injuries which are visible but we never beat ourselves up about them unless we've been careless. We also suffer mental injuries through no fault of our own and that's what's happened to you so you can't blame yourself for being injured by other people and traumatic events.

Finally - maybe i do underestimate the effect it has had on me. I quite agree but you WILL recover just as I did from my ordeals when I felt Exactly the same as you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

[snowghost57]

Bonniebell, this is your statement.

The day after our talk I was so ill with weakness, dizziness and awful fatigue. It took me days to feel better. I told my GP and again he said stress and anxiety had caused a crash. Is this possible?

I didn't want to copy the entire post. Your GP is correct, stress and anxiety does have the ability to cause a crash. It happened to me. I had anxiety all my life and during the last 10 months, I experienced, one stressor after another and then the last one happened and I fell apart, tears for 2 weeks and I couldn't cope. I'm talking non stop crying.

Healing is possible, I tried medication and decided it wasn't for me. It did calm my thinking down so I could make life choices. I read posts on here, I reached out a therapist, I learned as much as I could about my anxiety and depression. Bill is right, you can get better, I did and I'm getting better every day. I would recommend looking at a post Bill wrote about Anxiety is a symptom, the Parrot story. Additional posts are available on the GAD boards. These posts have helped me.

I wish you the best. Anxiety can be overcome, its up to us to fight it.