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Thread: Sorry had to get this out of my head! or i'll die!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
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    Sorry had to get this out of my head! or i'll die!

    Hi all,
    Right i need to get thi out of my head so im saying Sorry now ok!
    Right i don't like talking about my prolems that much so here goes![Sigh...]
    ive been sat here all day thinking weather it be sat at my computer in bed or in a bath of why i self harm and all i can come up with is that when i was 16years old i was raped.:([V] by this bloke! the thing is my friend saw it but she said that she thought it was a boyfriend and girl friend peeing around.
    Well it wasn't it was ME:(
    So when i told her, she was like well i was gonna help but thats what i though!
    So i was a state a real mess! :(
    So we told no one else as i felt unclean,dirty,worthless useless! and so much more.

    So i started self harming to try and get it all out of my body, as i could still feel him on my skin which i dont like as it makes me feel sick when ever i write it down as i cannot speak it aloud.

    So no one knows about this at all as i didnt anyone incase they didn't believe me or worse say that they believed me to my face and then behind my back calling me every name under the sun.
    So i started harming really bad and i started to try and get back to my life and to try and forget about it as much as i can.
    i was doing pretty well apart from the self harming and the depression but i was trying to get on.

    Then thats when it happend 6 months ago.
    I was with the same girl at her and her boy friends house andshe went to bed and left us up watchin dvd's (as i didnt sleep back then either) and he... well we were sat on his black lether couch and he went in to give me a cuddle so i gave him one back as we were mates or so i thought!

    Then it happend.
    He wouldnt let go of me at all i tried to push him off but he was just to strong for me. He gripped both of my arms at the top tightly and wouldn't let go. All i could do was think " Oh god not again please,im gonna die! please let her come down stairs and save me from this hell!"
    But she didn't!
    He put his hand ova my mouth and said " If you make any noise i will just keep doing it, if your silent it will be over"
    so i led there terriefied to move or to make a noise and then he was doing it he was raping me!:(:(:(
    I ended up unconcious
    when i came round there was blood everywhere!
    Well i fell pregnant but lost the baby,
    i was all alone as i didn't want to tell anyone as i'm still scared he will come and do it again:([V][V]
    I was walking down my steet the other day to the shop and there he was![:O] i just froze he looked right at me and even asked me how i was! i just ran back home locked all my doors, windows and shut all my curtains and cried my eyes out all day. I can still see his face everytime i close my eyes!

    I have never told any one this before but this needed to cum out i cant hold it in any more as i think its makin me worse. :([V]
    I know its alot to take in, but i had to get it out of my head. sorry
    Thank you for reading this, hope i haven't upset anyone with this post.

    kitty
    [:X]

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    , , USA.
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    Kitty dear,
    We love you for who you are. Please do not worry about saying whatever is on your mind..ever!!!!!!!!! This is a terrible trauma you have experienced, and it was not you...it was the beast who did it to you. Please speak to a women's support center soon in your area. Your local police can direct you, I am sure, as can social workers, hospital er personnel. Ring up your hospital's er., and anonymously tell them that you were raped and need to talk to a center which can begin to help you....you need not give them your name or anything. Schools even have onstaff counselors who would direct you.
    We love you. The fear is out of your system now, and healing is on the way. No need to further harm yourself, love. He is the beast.
    Love you, Taf

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
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    hughug.

    u know im here kitkins

    u know tht i know how u feel.hughughug

    just keep swimming.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
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    , , USA.
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    Kitty dear,
    We love you for who you are. Please do not worry about saying whatever is on your mind..ever!!!!!!!!! This is a terrible trauma you have experienced, and it was not you...it was the beast who did it to you. Please speak to a women's support center soon in your area. Your local police can direct you, I am sure, as can social workers, hospital er personnel. Ring up your hospital's er., and anonymously tell them that you were raped and need to talk to a center which can begin to help you....you need not give them your name or anything. Schools even have onstaff counselors who would direct you.
    We love you. The fear is out of your system now, and healing is on the way. No need to further harm yourself, love. He is the beast.
    Love you, Taf

  5. #5
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    Nov 2005
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    hello kitty i am so sorry about the dreadfull things that have happened to you.i dont no how to advise you on this but im sure someone will offer some advice from the site.all i can say is try and stay strong it is possible to come through really horrible times.but you really do need to ask for help .take care of yourself love marcia

    marcia lowe

  6. #6
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    Kitty

    So sorry to hear what you went throught - that is so awful for you.

    I think some form of counselling would help you to come to terms with and a chance to let it all out and tell someone about it.

    You can't turn back the clock but hopefully they can help you move forward from this now.

    Nicola

  7. #7
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    Hello Kitty,

    I'm so sorry to hear wut you went through. I'm here for you hun. You know that. (hug)

    Take care,

    Nick

    Embrace me

  8. #8
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    That was a very brave post. And I think you have probably made an important step forward by admitting this, for you-- well done. Do you think you could discuss it with someone who is qualified to help you? I know it is difficult as my life experiences are unfortunately rather similar.

    What do you think you could do to make you deal with this better for you?

    Take care,

    Hannah

  9. #9
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    Nov 2005
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    Kitty

    That was a horrible thing to happen and just as the rest of the replies have said we are to help you can tell us anything you like without feeling ashamed. I agree with the counselling idea it will help you a lot and maybe you can eventually point the finger at these two cowards and they get what they deserve both in court and by every man who would want to take there private parts and feed them to snakes whilst they are still attached. Glad you could start to get it of your chest

    Keith

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
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    Everyone,

    i just wanna say im ever so sorry for posting this up here as since i have i have been a real mess.... God what must you all think of me?????please dont answer that,i cuddnt take any bad news. i have done nothin but worry! I dnt think i'm ready to tell anyone, sorry again i cant do this any more i just want to jump out a window!...but how will i know if i didnt hurt any one when i do it? sorry again.
    I just feel so useless its unreal. why am i still here?

    sorry i just cant do this any more

    all the best ppl

    kym aka kitty

    xux

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