Hello everyone!
My name's Sophie, I'm 23 years old and I don't exactly know what I have.
My symptoms, I found out today thanks to NMP, fits in suprisingly well with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, although no doctor has ever straightfoward told me I had GAD.
I have problems with remembering certain time periods or dates, so I'm not sure of dates, please bear with me.
When I was a child, I'd have anxiety/panic attacks, which unfortunately were always treated as me having a tantrum. They would almost always happen on social events when I had family members asking me uncomfortable questions. A 5 year old having a tantrum because they don't feel like talking or are embarassed and umcomfortable seems normal to me, however I remember episodes when I was around 13 to 14 years old, and I don't think those were tantrums... Unfortunately my family thought differently.
When I was close to turning 17, I was diagnosed with a depression, not sure if seasonal or not, and I got help. Three years later, at the age of 20 I stopped taking medication for depression, as my psychiatrist found my depression was... I wouldn't say cured, but definitely overcome.
The anxiety, however, never disappeared. I don't take medication for it neither have I gone to the doctor to seek help for it or a diagnostic to begin with. My symptoms all point to anxiety, whatever type it is.
The depression I had ruined my academic situation. I wasn't able to finish 12th grade normally because I was incapable of studying Class A Mathematics (in my country, in high school, there is Math A and Math B, the first being much more complex then the second) and Physics and Chemistry (I was good at Chemistry but terrible at Physics), and was only able to get an equivalency to the 12th grade by studying a special class at night. Fortunately I was able to get a 12th grade diploma that way but not all universities accept it, and I really want to continue my studies.
Fortunately, some universities accept my diploma, including the one I wanted to study Forensic and Criminal Sciences at; all I needed to do was get a decent grade on the national exam for Biology and Geology this year because mine had expired by now (they are only good to enter university with for 2 years and I did my original one 3 years or 4 ago). So in September 2016 I started studying with a tutor and in June the next year I would go and give my best.
Although I did have an occasional episode or two of panic and anxiety attacks, they real problems started in May of this year.
I had a pet dog for 12 years. She had cardiac problems, took medication and ate special food to help her have a better life. We (my family) took her off the streets when she was 3 or 3,5 years old. She had been abandoned in our neighbourhood. She was the most docile thing ever, I'm already crying just from remembering her... Anyway, her health started to worsen at the beginning of May. She gradually stopped walking, we (me and my mother) had to carry her up and down a flight of stairs four to five times a day because she couldn't walk practically, carry her in our arms for a few meters and wait for her to be able to pee and poop.
Carrying a 25kg dog up and down stairs, see her gradually worsen day to day, not sleeping at night because she wouldn't stop panting. We went with her to the vet every single day because she was in risk of developing pneumonia and had to take daily shots... This went on for 2 and a half weeks. It was physically and mentally draining. Not wanting to give up on her but also not knowing if we could afford this much more time, was horrible.
On the 23rd my dog drastically worsened, and the veterinarian said the symptoms pointed to a tumor in the liver having ruptured and there was nothing we could do or have done. We euthanized her, after trying everything we could. We burried her near a close cemetery, a few meters away from a cat we also lost last year in January to renal failure. I came home as my mother and brother went to bury her, picked up everything that could remember us of her and put it in our storage room in the building's basement. I cried so much that day, my chest felt hollow, like someone ripped my heart out.
Just one month before one of the most important exams in my life, for which I had stopped studying outside of tutoring twice a week for the past exhausting month, I lost what was a member of my family for the past 12 years. That's when my anxiety worsened immensely and hasn't gotten much better since that time.
I would have panic attacks when I saw dogs that resembled mine in any way. Everyday I was terrified my youngest cat would also fall sick and die, fearing her asthma would strike at any time and kill her. I had my mother in an emotional wreck for a solid month and a half (of all of us, our dog had a special connection with her). Everyday things would terrify me and I would immediately make films in my head of the worse things that could happen and I was just depressed in general.
However, I promised myself I would not stop now and quit.
I returned to my daily studies. In June I did my exam, tried my best, and was exhausted after it. In July the results were out, and although I know I could have done better if circumstances had been different the month before, I still got a decent grade that gave me good chances of entering the university I wanted. In August I personally went to the University, overcome my fear of going there by taking a train and bus and enlisted to the course I wanted. In September I'll know if I made it in.
On my birthday last week, I woke up anxious. I was having PMS, which made me feel extremely depressed for no darn reason, and I had spent the morning feeling like crap and crying. In the middle of the afternoon, when I was beginning to feel better, I hit a car when parking. Didn't crush it or anything, just scraped my car paint onto it, but after that my whole day was ruined, I couldn't stop crying even at the ice cream shop my mother insisted we visit after it happenned. The day after, I still was anxious as all hell, thinking "what if this", "what if that", "what if I lose my license", "what if insurance doesn't cover it, what if I will have to pay for the damage?"... After the PMS wore off and I had finally recovered today and thought my bad luck was over, the owner calls me. They weren't rude or anything, but after 4 days they call? REALLY? I saw the car the next day it hapenned, most of the paint was cleaned off, now just a couple of smaller scratches remaining and my note with my contact not being on the windshield anymore, NOW THEY DECIDE TO CALL? That made me cry and ruined my day, it's been 7 hours since the call and I'm still nervous and anxious because of it. I'm so scared and yet I know everything will be resolved but I still can't get this feeling of dread off of me... Feels like an elefant is stepping on my chest.
That's why I'm here. I had found this forum months ago while browsing for something on google and had quickly looked over the website and thought maybe I could benefit from joining it.
After all that's hapenned, I decided to search for it again and to join. I just want a place where other people will hear my fears and tell me that everything will be okay and help me stop thinking "what if". Maybe this forum is not for that kind of things, but I hope it is. I really need help to get that weight off my shoulders whenever I feel I can't bottle my emotions up anymore.
If I'm in the wrong place, I appologize... Just comment that this forum is not for that and I'll retain from posts like this again.
If you read all that, thank you for doing so!
PS: I will seek medical help in the near future, don't worry about it!
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