i just really need somewhere to vent my feelings, even though talking about this is likely to make me feel anxious and sad again. however, i feel like i need to do this and start to solve my problems for once and for all.

i literally feel like i am at my wits end and i don't know why i am acting like this. i think i may have ROCD and HOCD, or just general anxiety. i don't even know if it is possible to have all three conditions at the same time, but it certainly feels that way. anyway moving on to my story, i am a 19 year old student, going to university and right now i am currently in my very first relationship which has lasted for 3 months so far now. the problem is, is that i constantly doubt and question my relationship and sexuality (to say the least), and it drives me absolutely crazy at times, like there's no relief or something.

referring to the ROCD part, i know i have liked the boy i am currently going out with for a long time. for around a year and 3 months i'd say, before we actually started to go out, no doubt about it. as soon as i started the relationship i was happy because this was something that i wanted for a terribly long time and suddenly it was happening, but at the same time i had an off feeling and he even pointed it out to me when we were kissing, which upset me. i wanted to enjoy the moment, but i could feel myself saying, "is this right?" i remember on my way home from meeting up with him, i started to have doubts and constantly worry, "am i doing the right thing?" "do i really like him", "how can you be sure", "this feels strange and wierd". i remember i had terrible stomach aches and i was feeling in huge conflict with myself. at the time, i just put these thoughts down to first relationship jitters and doubts.

however, there are times that i absolutely love talking to him and being in his company (when i'm not feeling anxious). other times, i question whether i am faking it and am just going along with it. i am frightened and upset that my feelings aren't consistent. in addition, i question whether i am always meant to feel overly happy and lovey dovey when i'm talking to him. i hate my how my feelings go on and off like a yo-yo. emotion to emotionless. one minute i am certain that i really like him, the next not so much. i remember after we made our relationship "official" we went through a brief rough patch, due to a lack of communication. i remember then how i missed him so terribly, and how i was dying to talk to him again. looking back, that made me realise how i genuinely liked him.

but to make matters more complicated, sometimes i feel like 'running away' from it all, like running away from the relationship. i don't understand how someone could take interest in me. sometimes i fear he'll go back to his ex. i know i have low self-esteem and even he has pointed that out to me, because i put myself down and don't believe him when he says something nice about me. sometimes i have terrible stomach cramps thinking about my relationship and i don't know why. i don't want to feel like this and i am frustrated that i do. i want to feel normal for once.

i am constantly ruminating over the validity of my feelings and whether i actually like him and feel sexually attracted to him, when i know that i do. sometimes i just question whether i am fooling myself about it all. sometimes when i talk to him, i think to myself, 'stop faking it'. it's gotten to the extent where i can even be 'bed-bound' by my thoughts. it feels like nothing else matters in the moment and i am losing the motivation to do my university work. i feel drained, run down and sometimes i get headaches. it's like my relationship has eclipsed all other aspects of my life, like the other aspects don't matter anymore and it's frustrating because i know how important it is to keep a healthy balance in life. between work/studying, love, lesuire time ect.

i know i don't want to break up with him. even contemplating about it makes me feel uneasy and weird. other times when i think about it, it makes me emotionless and that even that in itself unnerves me greatly. i just don't understand how all my strong feelings can just disappear on a whim like that sometimes. but then they come back again and i feel reassured. i feel terribly horrible for feeling this way and i just wish that i could gain absolute certainty about the whole sitiation and stop thinking about my relationship all the time. right now i feel emotionless because i don't know what to think anymore. but i do know when i'm not stressing about the whole issue, i feel happy to talk to my boyfriend (via text or phone). sometimes i wonder if it's enough and whether i should be feeling more than happiness in that particular moment, like romantic feelings for instance. we've planned to meet up soon and i'm frightened because i don't know how i'll act or feel around him. thinking about it makes me really nervous and scared, even though i have no reason to be. i don't want to constantly ruminate and waste our scheduled time together.

sometimes, he unknowingly makes matters worse. he triggers me off by asking if he is annoying me, or making me angry by talking to me sometimes, then it makes me question everything again, which makes me feel anxious once more. or, if i find something relating to my anxieties on twitter posted by a 'relationship account', it triggers me off and making me feel guilty and anxious.

to make matters worse i have an addiction to using astrology and dream meanings to reassure me and validate my feelings sometimes. for example, when i read a 'good' forecast or interpret a good dream meaning using the web, it reassures me. when i read a 'bad' forecast or interpret a bad dream meaning using the web, it unnerves me and makes me feel anxious, like it's going to be a self fulfilling prophecy, or something.

just looking back on what i have written makes me feel like a mad person. i just want to enjoy my relationship and not constantly worry and question it all the flipping time. it's reaching the point where i am constantly googling whether what i am feeling is normal or not and i am searching websites such as this one for reassurance. i can't tell anyone how i am feeling because genuinely, i feel like a crazy woman. i just wish i could give him what he deserves by feeling consistent in my feelings and emotions. i feel terribly guilty and anxious, or sometimes even emotionless about it. i literally just can't keep track of myself.

i'll be brief with the HOCD part because i don't want to drag on anymore, but my HOCD was triggered when i came across a picture of a pretty girl i found in january and i found her attractive, and even had a 'groinal' response which freaked me the hell out to say the least. now it's reaching the point where i constantly question every girl i come into contact with, about whether i find them attractive or not, and if i do get a reaction, i freak out and hate myself. sometimes i stare and i wish i could stop myself from doing so. i have even felt false attractions which makes me feel so odd, distressed, disgusting and off. sometimes, i deliberately look at pictures of girls or real life girls and tell myself, "you find them attractive, stop lying to yourself". i feel my attraction for guys in general diminishing occasionally and i hate it. sometimes i feel it coming back, for example when i talk to my boyfriend, but most of the time i feel like i am on edge or something waiting for a trigger.

i have another minor worry of whether i find my sister attractive and it makes me feel absolutely disgusting even contemplating the thought.
i hide all these worries behind a smile because i know that if i even suggested the idea of going to conselling or therapy, my mom would laugh it off, or tell me that i am 'overreacting' and that i need to stop worrying over nothing, or in the case of ROCD break up if i don't know what i want with my boyfriend.

so in a summary:

- i constantly question and go over my feelings for my boyfriend and can never seem to find a resolution. my feelings don't feel consistent sometimes and i worry about why this is so. i can't keep track of them
- i have low self-esteem issues and feel like running away sometimes (like self sabotage)
- i feel run down, tired and have no motivation to complete my university work because of the constant ruminations i have
- i use astrology and dream meanings for reassurance which can either make me feel better or worse
- i feel like HOCD over complicates matters and the thoughts that i have feel distressing to say the least.
- i worry whether i find my sister attractive, which disgusts me.

well, i am well and truly at my wits end and i don't know what to do about this all. if anyone has any advice i would greatly appreciate it and i thank anyone who has taken the time to read about my issues, thank you.