Giving up on everything

[nikk_dolittle]

Hi,

I really don’t know where to start or what to say, but I really need some help.
I’ve been feeling really terrible and it’s the worse it has been. I can’t control this anymore.

I’m trying to be strong around the family as they don’t believe anything is wrong and just tell me that I brought this on, I should cope with it all, and they won’t help me at all now. I have no idea why they are doing this. So now im believing I HAVE brought it all on and I HAVE made it worse. But I don’t know how. I cant be strong like this anymore no matter what happens, I’m just a failure inside and its beginning to show now on the outside. Typing this I have my dad is saying crap to me about the way I am and its getting to me so I’m now in a really bad state of not knowing and finding this hard to type.

I’ve never felt this scared about anything before, I don’t quite know what I’m fully scared of, just feel scared of talking, being near things, moving, seeing people anywhere.

Anxiety and depression are through the roof yet again and I really can’t cope with this happening now. I’m having soooo many panic attacks and I’m finding them really hard to handle now, what with everything else.

Im now waiting on the CMHT to get in contact about seeing them but not sure how long that will be to see them. Have felt like getting myself admitted and then they have no choice really. As I been close to ending things and having really bad suicidal thoughts again, but I hold it back and just self-harm As I cant cope and all the pain inside is too much to handle I have resulted to self-harming loads and loads again and back to when I start I cant stop and then it gets worse and worse, our of 6 year of doing it the last couple of times have been the worst. Have had to go to the hospital last Saturday about it and i was close to giving up and I was in this morning about it too as I couldn’t stop and the next thought was ending things again. I explain how I feel and nothing helps at all. Im in a cycle and cant get out at all.

Sorry for such a low post but I’m in a mess and I don’t know where else to turn too. Sorry to keep moaning. L

Nikk xxxx

[angiebaby]

I am so sorry you are struggling at the moment and i am sure that lots of people will be on soon to offer help and support. You are not alone in this at all. I know how you feel as do many, many others. Is is horrible to feel so ill and low and see no way out or no way of making things better. It does not help to have others that do not understand either, i know about that too. You will always have help and support on here because we know what it feels like and what you are going through.
Do you see a counsellor or take any meds at all? Perhaps worth a visit to gp to have a chat and see what help they can provide or move things on a bit.
You are NOT alone in this believe me.xx

[Pink Princess]

hey nikk, xx

well done for getting that out.

ok i know things are hard and i know you want to give up but you have come through a lot worse than this and just look at everything you have come through - youve made it this far so dont give up now. there is so much more you can get and you will get there its just going to take some time thats all. every one has a light at the end of their tunnel and you will find yours too nikk.

about the self hraming, i know a lot of people dont understand it and i know you find it hard to explain it but the way i see it is someones way of living not dying. it is hard to stop but just keep reminding yourself of how well you have done with it in the past and you will stop it, one day you will just feel so strong and say " i'm better than this" and walk away from it. i know - believe me i have been there and i know.

also going to the hospital about it is very brave and shows you are doing the right thing as thats a scary thing to do and takes a lot of strength so well done xxx

things will get better, just try and think of the future and how you want things to be. you will get there nikk.

take kare xx you know where i am if you need me xx

love minnie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Dying_Swan]

Hi Nikk.

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling so low at the moment. I'm not sure what I can say to help, but I will try.

Our families and friends are often pretty useless at understanding us, and what's going on. Very often, they think they are being helpful, but nothing could be further from the truth. Comments like 'why can't you just pull yourself together?', 'surely it's all just in the mind?', are a long way from being useful.

It's tough, but important to remember that it is very hard to understand anxiety and depression unless you've been there. Before I had it, I used to think Panic Attacks only happened to hysterical women when they saw a mouse (etc). Well, wasn't I in for a shock?!

I don't know about you, but I often found, when I was at my worst, that it was my family and friends who made me the most unhappy - yet also the most determined to get better, if only to get them off my case! Try to talk to them, and explain that their putting pressure on you is only making you feel worse. You need encouragement and support, but you need it in your own time. Above all, they need to make an effort to understand what you're going through. I was very lucky to have good friends who stuck by me. At the time, they used to drive me insane with all the 'I'm worried about you' permanently, but I now realise things would have been much worse without them.

I'm sorry to hear that you continue to self-harm. You know as well as I do, that it's not a healthy coping mechanism and is really only going to make you feel worse about things. I'm not going to preach at you - it is something that only you can stop when you feel ready to. I do think it would be worth talking to someone (a Doctor or Therapist for example), to try to identify when and why you feel like harming yourself. Stopping self-harming is tough, but one day you will reach a point where it just happens.

If you've been into A&E with self-inflicted injuries, you should have seen a member of the Psychiatric team before being discharged. However, I do realise that what should happen and what actually happens where the NHS is concerned are often two very different things.

I think your referral to the CMHT is a very positive thing, and it would be worth spending some time now, trying to figure out what is happening. Why are you scared? What are you scared of? etc etc. They will help guide you through all these questions, but being positive and making an effort will pay dividends.

Good luck Nikk and I hope it all works out for you xxx

[crystalrainbow]

Hi Hun
Im one of those lurkers out there that finds great comfort in this site but actutually never speaks to anyone..........

My heart goes out to you at this time
I just wanted to send u a great big cyber hug

Hugs to all you lovely people out there that make this illness easier to cope with.

Sue Cornwall UK xxxxxx

[nikk_dolittle]

Thanks so much for your replies.

Angiebaby: Thanks for the reassurance you give in your post. I have counselling but havent had it for the past 4 weeks, but have got a session on Wednesday so hopefully that will help. When I went to my GP he just said that there’s not a lot to do so he referred me back to the CMHT, he wants me to go on meds but having the suicidal thoughts I don’t trust myself on them and family wont watch if I have them. So just have to wait for the CMHT to contact me and keep doing the counselling.

Minnie: thanks for your message, I appreciate your help and understanding and reassurance too. The self-harm is hard when no-one knows about it, I see it as you see it too in a way. I try to be strong as I don’t like being like this, and its mostly a cry for help.

Swan: thanks for your message. You’ve made me understand a bit more about how families understand this. When I try to explain things, it always goes the wrong way and they just make it worse, but I am continuing and I can try to do more and let them see me like this and show I’m not as they think I am or showing them. I find it hard to tell friends even if they have been I like this, Its mostly as I find it hard to explain myself to anyone and how I exactly feel, or what I’m thinking about etc… I’ve tried stopping before but the pain and pressure inside made me re-do it and Now it’s the only way I can cope each day. I have been going a couple days to a week with not doing it, but then when I start again its hard to stop till I HAVE to stop doing it. When I went to A & E, I explained that I’m awaiting the CMHT and not a lot else was mentioned about things, I was told I should be seeing someone before I leave but I wanted to get out as quickly as I could, and said I would go back if I need too.

Sue: thanks for your message. It made me cry as it was so nice of you. Loads of hugs back to you

Anyway…today I made it into college and lasted the whole day, I did have the thoughts and thinking what’s best to do (go home and hide and do things to myself) or (stay and try to fight this) so I decided to stay and fight it. And I managed it. Had a few really bad moments, Now I have come home I’m having a few suicidal thoughts but I’m here and trying my hardest to fight it. I just want to self-harm again but I have managed to achieve something today as I haven’t been to college in a week. Hopefully I can fight this and NOT do it at all. Had a bit of a bad day at college as the intrusive thoughts of harm were there loads. Cried loads but I couldn’t say why or anything to my tutor but I really trust her and just felt soooo scared to do anything at college. I managed to do my work but was shaking and just didn’t feel like I should be there at all.

Now I’m trying to hang on in here and do my best and try my hardest to do things. Feeling so drained and about the same as yesterday really.

Have counselling on Wednesday so I’m now thinking about that. Hopefully I can talk more, and just be open as much as I can.

Thanks
Nikk xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx