Sorry to post again but I need to get this off my chest I really do, I am not ashamed of who I am but I am frustrated in how it takes over my life and I need someone to try and give me a kick up the bum as there are some of you on here who don't seem to suffer as bad as others so maybe you can give me some advice on how you manage it.
Ok here is abit about me, I am 28, married with 3 young children (6,4 & nearly 3). I work part time and my husband works full time and they can be long hours at times. When I was 19 my grandad passed away and since then I suffered with anxiety and panic attacks, I had counselling and everything got better. I then met my hubby and we were married 3 years later, all my anxiety had gone, I admit I was a worrywart but it never ever took over my life.
I then had my son and everything changed, I was petrified he would die of cot death and I started having 3 glasses of wine at night to try and relax and help me sleep, I realised it was a crutch so I stopped it and decided to move back near my family, soon after that things got better again. I had another child (20mths between them) and when my 2nd child was 7 months old I had a misscarage, from that day on I suffered extreme anxiety, I thought I had leaukemia, hodgkins disease, worried the kids did to, had blood tests ...... I was bad for a while then one day I felt suicidle because I couldn't carry on with the worry. I was put on antidepressants for a year and I felt well, I had another child (little girl at long last, hehe) and she changed my world, I had never been so happy. The anxiety was still there but I was alot better. I started getting side effects from the meds so dr changed and tweeked them but in the end i had a nasty reaction to one which scared me so I came off meds altogether and instead went through Bupa for private counselling.
The counselling helped alot and got to the root of the cause, I was brought up in a very violent household as a child, my dad was a drinker, I being the eldest played referee and protected my mum and my 3 younger siblings and often got caught in the cross fire. From a very young age I was feeding my siblings, dressing them etc... called a sl*g, sl*t, wh**e........ you get the drift for no reason at all when my father was drunk. I was a very quiet girl, I didn't have a boyfriend at all and I didn't sleep with anyone until I met my husband so how my father could treat me this way I don't know. I also saw him hit my mum, spit on her but the verbal abuse was daily and very scary. He spent all of his wages in the pub and we went without, we lived off a bag of potatoes and some frozen spring rolls for our meals every night, we lived off fresh air, my mum had no access to the bank and she had no money
My hubby is a star and is my rock but we have had a rough time on & off since he had a vasectomy 2 years ago as he went ahead and did it even though I asked him not to which just broke us down completly and we nearly split up a year later, thank god we didn't but I still can't forget that.
Sorry to ramble on but the counsellor said that is why I am the way I am now, I worry non stop about my health, the last 3 months its got out of control again. I am not worrying that I have cancer or anything and I am not at the GP surgery 4x a week like I was 3 yrs ago but I am so jumpy and anxious. If I get ill before everyone else in the house I straight away think ive meningitis (someone had this that I know and died when i was young) or septecemia. If I get a temperature or im sick I straight away can't breath from panicking, I think Oh my god ive meningitis or maybe its septicemia and I am going to die and leave my children.
At the moment I have a cough and abit of a cold, ears abit sore and ive a slight wheeze when I breath. I saw the GP last week and he told me im fine but to come back in a week if no better, I had bronchitis last summer so im petrified I am going to get it again, I felt pretty rough with it and struggled on my own with the kids when hubby was working but most of all my fear is I will get pneumonia and I read about someone who got that and then developed septicemia from it
If others are ill first then I am not so bad but if I get ill first then I freak out and I can't handle it, always asume I am going to be seriously ill and die and especially look for a rash incase its meningitis or is my pulse fast incase its septicemia, I sound mad I know but I am so jumpy.
I am the same if the kids are ill, I worry myself sick about meningitis.
Stupid me though ive in the past read up symptoms for meningitis, septicemia so I worry now that when im ill its one of those or both. At the moment im panicking ive bronchitis then I will get pneumonia. Arghh slap me!
I am sick of living like this, my anxiety makes me apetite go and I am not eating enough recently so my weight is abit low, I am not starving myself I am just not eating as much as I should be, that is what my anxiety does to me and I am desperate to stop this. I want to be happy, enjoy my life, enjoy my children and be normal, not to worry everytime I get a pain or a cough, just be chilled but that will never happen so how can I enjoy my time here with my family?
I am not depressed, I can still laugh and still go and do the things I have to do but I cry alot recently that this anxiety has really got a hold over me and ruining my life. I do not know whats fueled it but I don't feel I can carry on feeling this way, I need to nip this in the bud. I am waiting to start CBT, should be any week now, they cancelled on me last week when I was due to start
Anyway this has gone on long enough, I apologise for writing all of this but please if anyone can offer me any advice or a kick up the bum might helpI would appreciate it. Thank you if you got this far, you deserve a medal.
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you are certainly not alone 
