Freaking out now

[Blonde123]

It's awful dubmom. I sometimes go in a shop and think this migh be the last time I shop in here. It's totally crazy. I don't know if it's hormones or what but every little twitch or twinge I get that doesn't go quickly, I automatically fear the worst. Anxiety is dreadful. I feel like I have conversations in my head where I think I'm going to get some dreaded illness and won't be here in 6 months time so there's no point in doing anything that might make me happy just in case. Then straight away I'll be telling myself to get a grip and that whatever symptom I'm over analysing is very common and then my thoughts go round and round in circles. Not fun!

[emanticoff73]

Wow I thought I was the only one. I'm 44 with no career because of my HA. I also feel what's the sense in doing things, smiling, enjoying a moment, buying my favorite things when I will die anyways. I do not allow must happiness because the if bad wolf is around the corner ready to ruin my day. I wasted my life like this and still do. Its almost self punishment. I will be seeking therapy soon. Hopefully i can pull myself together.

[Blonde123]

Oh Emanticoff that's not good. I feel so sorry for everyone with anxiety. It totally ruins your life. I'm fortunate that I can go months feeling happy and well, but its that out of the blue attack that happens without any warning that I cant get my head round. Or if I have an ache or pain which takes longer to go away than I would normally expect, that sets my anxiety off.

[swajj]

Oh no Swajj, thats exactly how I feel except at the minute its not consuming my whole life just now and agai. i can go months not feeling anything then all of a sudden bam its back! How did you get over it?

My anxiety affected me differently. I didn't have good periods like you. I had almost 3 years of HA that affected me daily. I went to a psychiatrist for almost three years as well. So CBT and hard work were definitely factors in my recovery. However, when I try to put my finger on the turning point I can't. I've tried very hard to do that though because I want to be able to recognise the early warning signs that my HA is returning. I think an important breakthrough for me came as a result of something my psych said. I have talked about it here before. He told me that I should stop being afraid of dying because I was already dead. In other words, not actually living my life anymore. There was so much truth in his statement that I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I don't think there is a one size fits alll cure for HA. I wasn't your typical HA sufferer. I didn't have a stressful home life. I had a great job and a great relationship. I had never suffered with depression and my psych told me after our first session that I had good self-esteem.

Maybe we just reach the point where we are sick of not living our lives anymore. HA is boring. I rarely think about my health now. I do often think how ironic it would be if I developed a serious condition now and how I would feel. I think I would deeply regret wasting 3 years of my life as a healthy person worrying about non-existent illnesses.

Try to work out how your life and thoughts are different when you are anxiety free. I know it's hard to do but therein lies your answer. Good luck.

[pulisa]

I think you do an incredible job on here helping people, swajj, and telling it as it is. Be careful that you don't jeopardise your own mental health though, no matter how strong you are? HA is an insidious beast which creeps up on you..as you know.

[palspals]

Firstly, don't feel bad for only using this site when you need to. I find that when I'm having a 'good period', coming on this site can trigger me. Everyone on this site wishes to be HA free and wants the same for others.
Anyway, I did used to have these thought patterns and sometimes still do. When my HA was at its most debilitating, I dropped classes at university, stopped taking shifts at work, stopped socialising and generally just lay in bed all day. Now, I am a lot better. I used to think, 'what's the point of working hard towards a goal if I'll never really see the rewards because some horrid disease is about to wipe me out?'. Truthfully, even at the gym today, I had a moment of helplessness, thinking something along these lines. But I am much better now. Why? Because I just want to live. And life is work. In a way, having HA has enabled me to find balance. I used to be masochistic in how much work I would do and how future orientated I was. Now I live each day both in the moment (this can be as simple as taking note of a scene that I find beautiful or really focusing on the taste of my food etc), as well as in the knowing that a lot of life is inevitably centred around building a future. I think, 'Well, I haven't been diagnosed with anything yet and until then, I have the privilege to go on living as normal and that's what I should do.' So I think, maybe if you adopt this thought, it could be helpful. It doesn't erase the HA but it allows you to move through life in a way that is practical, even if you are struggling.

[Blonde123]

Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure if the root of my HA stems from being a strong confident person. I have an excellent job family kids and I'm very fortunate in the money front. I think maybe that's part of my problem that I'm happy and feel that at some point some illness will ruin it. It also doesn't help that being a nurse I've seen people at their most vulnerable with illnesses that I'd never had to deal with. I do totally see you point though that I haven't been diagnosed with anything and when I work so hard I should enjoy the benefits for however long I may have them. It certainly puts another perspective in view. Thank you x

[Loggie05]

I was just going to write a new post when I spotted this one. I'm exactly the same. I call it the what if syndrome. I often think there's no point washing my hair or making myself look pretty just to die. Then there's the holidays I refuse to book in case I'm dead or unwell. I was feeling slightly better today until I started unloading the dishwasher. I started thinking what if I do have a brain tumour and they are treating me for anxiety. What's the point in emptying the dishes when no one will be here to use them. I'm not living because of these what ifs. Its mentally exhausting living with this health anxiety x

[Blonde123]

Hi Loggie. That's exactly how I feel on and off all the time. Then I wind myself up thinking am I anxious and that's what's brought on the twinge or ache, or do I have something seriously wrong with me and I'm feeling anxious about that! It's just a mess. It's almost like I don't want to make any plans for the future just in case I'm not around. Sounds like your the same as me when your thinking of booking holidays and stuff. It's odd because I never worry about being run over or having a sudden heart attack that would see me off instantly. Instead I worry about being told I've got an illness, having it treated and being really ill with it and suffering.

[Loggie05]

Yes I'm same. Massive heart attacks and accidents font phase me in the slightest. Its the cancers and degenerative diseases that worry me most. Sounds bad but I've seen myself say I'd rather have cervical or bowel cancer than a brain tumour cos the other 2 are more treatable. Then I think of gladly have ms rather than als because there's a longer living time with ms. Its actually that mentally exhausting it turns physically exhausting. Wish I could find a way to stop the what ifs and focus on a healthy future. I'm tanked up with so much medication my symptoms have symptoms. Cbt isn't even helping me just now. I've researched so many illnesses I dont even need to google symptoms anymore. I've started praying to angels and asking spirits for guidance. I've no idea what else to do to stop the thoughts. Sounds funny but I'm glad I'm not the only one. Hope some help comes along for you soon xx