Once you imagine it, it feels true! Health anxiety

[Docterpepper]

I have had health anxiety for 16 years. Writing that out sounds so awful and shocking to me. I think 'oh its been 5 years.' No. Its been 16 years since I was 10 years old.

The last year has been hell. Sick days from work. Crying for hours on end. Petrified of any tiny symptom and scared of cancer and HIV. I have noticed that as soon as a symptom or condition or illness is mentioned to me, I have it. Or I tell myself I have it. And then i spend hours focusing on it. And then that means I 'have it.'

My brain goes into such deep catastrophizing thoughts regarding anything and everything - from skin cancer, to warts in my mouth, to diabetes, to oral thrush to floaters in my eye - that even if the symptoms I have are dubious at best, or not there at all. I convince myself I have it.

People say things like 'oh HIV is such an awful diagnosis.' and in my head I go 'yes, living with it is terrible, my partner has left me and I am going to die young etc etc.' But in actual fact I have never been told I have HIV, my doctor has told me I am at an incredibly low risk of having it and I don't have any worrysome symptoms. However my brain has convinced me I am sick.

So does anyone else suffer from this with health anxiety, the feeling of living with an illness you don't even know you have and seeing no way of escaping it? How do you try and rationalise yourself? Whats a good helpful tip to remind yourself ' YOU ARE WELL!'

Thank you in advance everyone. I am new here and am in a place where I can't think of anything else except being ill.

[emmegee]

Yes, I think lots of us have these same difficulties. I go through a health anxiety expisode convinced I have some deadly disease... slowly get through it over many months... only to go through it again next time. Each time I think "well last time wasn't real, but this time is." Even though last time felt very "real" at the time. All logic is out the door and we immediately go to the catastrophic conclusion and believe it! It's maddening and emotionally exhausting!

I know for me it helps to read that others have these same problems.

[JamesG_UK]

Hey Doc,

Thanks for sharing your story...this is very close to what I've been experiencing. I've suffered from HA for perhaps the same length of time as you, and as emmegee says, it's easy to fall into the trap of believing that this time, it's real. It's so, so difficult to convince ourselves otherwise. HIV was a big one for me and went on for maybe a year or so. I rationalised myself out the fear through a ridiculous amount of research into transmission routes, exposure risks, virus stability, and multiple blood tests.....the lot!! This is not the best way to fight this fear however! I wasted months of my life doing this. Have you tried either cognitive behavioural therapy and/or antidepressants? In the end, this was what helped me more than anything.

Apart from HIV, my HA typically started when I have some unexplained (and harmless) symptom, that I'd blow way out of proportion, usually after googling, then I would experience more symptoms and even more anxiety. Never, ever google symptoms :-D Psychosomatic symptoms and symptoms directly related to anxiety but attributed to a deadly disease are difficult to deal with because they act as a constant reminder that you might be ill. Try to accept that these symptoms are driven by anxiety. Anxiety can cause a very wide range of obscure symptoms, as everyone on this forum will tell you.

Try and attribute your irrational fears to an anxiety disorder. This helped me. Also, ask yourself, would anyone else (who doesn't have an anxiety disorder) worry about this? Often, the answer is no. Finally, try to convince yourself to stop trying to prove that you are not ill, and to accept the uncertainty that we all have to live with.

One other thing that has helped me is to sit with my anxiety i.e. don't act on it/don't start googling or checking/going over an event in your mind. Write down your anxious thought/irrational fear and record (as a percentage or scale) how anxious you feel. After an hour or so, do the same, and continue doing this throughout the day - you should see a drop over time in your level of anxiety to more manageable levels.

Not sure if any of this will help you out but remember that you are not alone with this. There are lots of people going through this on here and hopefully others will be along with other suggestions. Let us know how you're getting on and keep in touch.



J

[emmegee]

Hey Doc,

my HA typically started when I have some unexplained (and harmless) symptom, that I'd blow way out of proportion, usually after googling, then I would experience more symptoms and even more anxiety. Never, ever google symptoms :-D Psychosomatic symptoms and symptoms directly related to anxiety but attributed to a deadly disease are difficult to deal with because they act as a constant reminder that you might be ill. Try to accept that these symptoms are driven by anxiety. Anxiety can cause a very wide range of obscure symptoms, as everyone on this forum will tell you.

J

This is exactly how it works with me too. Great tips btw.

I also go on antidepressants during these episodes, and use klonopin when I need it short term...I find they help. Also seeing a therapist. I read somewhere to schedule a worry "hour". Yoga, exercise, chamomile tea, caring friends and family get me through it.

[JamesG_UK]

Hey Emmegee,

Some great tips there. The worry hour one is a good one, although it can be so hard at times. Yoga, exercise, chamomile tea and caring friends and family are all extremely helpful!

[Caseyg89]

My husband and I call them "my stories". I experience a symptom of something, or have a test and make up a story that I convince myself is the truth. I have had health anxiety for about 10 months now and in the past 10 months have feared about 14 different types of cancers based on vague symptoms. It has been so bad that I didn't believe a pregnancy test was actually positive but instead googled what could cause a false positive and was convinced this would be me. My strongest obsession has been related to my stomach and esophagus due to nausea, heartburn and indigestion that I have had since early pregnancy. Naturally, I have convinced myself that it is something much more serious. I have had two endoscopes with biopsies that showed some acid erosion (I had serious food poisoning in January and vomited over 60 times, so this likely started the inflammation of my esophagus). However, I have made up a "story" in my head that because I didn't tell the two GI doctors about all of my symptoms, they weren't looking as hard as they could have and they missed cancer in either my stomach or esophagus. Once I have a "story" in my head, it is SO hard to get it out. Tests do not work for me either. I get temporary relief and then it comes right back.

[emmegee]

All so familiar, thanks to each of the above posters for sharing. I have had HA for about 40 years! I am currently 46, and my first scare came during adolescence when I felt like I couldn't swallow. A few years later it was that I couldn't take deep breaths. Of course, at the time I knew nothing of "anxiety" nevermind "health anxiety". Had a few episodes of being absolutely frightened of getting cancer throughout teens and twenties. I think during those years I was active enough that exercise kept most issues at bay.

My HA has gone through the roof in the past ten years... now that I am aging I am falling into the demographic where these "diagnoses" become more reasonable. I have had friends diagnosed and passed away from cancer. My MIL died of esophageal cancer ten years ago and what followed was a year long belief that I also had esophageal cancer. I saw specialists, even an had an upper endoscopy. Beginning to end this lasted a whole year. Now I know it was most probably a combination of weight gain instigating reflux and some esophageal spasms and globus hystericus... along with me being hyper-aware of what I was "feeling". So I did have a legitimate initial symptom, but ended up blowing it out of proportion when it didn't go away on it's own over the course of, say, a month.

My next big one was about seven years ago when I was absolutely convinced I had MS. I did have some legitimate symptoms that are still around and a mystery. Out of the blue severe headaches, tingling in extremities, dizziness, alcohol intolerance, ringing in the ears, exhaustion, etc. My neurologist told me I most likely got a virus and these symptoms were in response to that; "post-viral syndrome", similar to chronic fatigue syndrome. Probably also some perimenopausal hormone drops influencing this too. I still suffer from this but it doesn't worry me too much anymore. Had a whole slew of tests and all came up fine.

Last year a coworker was diagnosed with bulbar onset ALS (which I suspected after noticing her symptoms for a year). I started "feeling" all sorts of symptoms related to ALS... weakness, etc. Of course, logically I knew there was nothing to this... but after about a month of fighting my negative thoughts, I had an all-out anxiety breakdown that took months to pull me out of. Ended up going back on antidepressants, started yoga, saw my therapist regularly, tried to keep busy, and used this forum for support.

And here I am again, started feeling a "pill stuck in chest" a little over a month ago... after almost a year of feeling great. I just tried to ignore it hoping it would go away... it didn't. So the obsessive catastrophising began. Esophageal cancer of course. Logically knowing this is exponentially more likely to be reflux or a slew of other issues. I started yoga last week and increased my antidepressants (I stayed on a low maintenance dose throughout the last year). I'm hoping I can nip this in the bud before it gets as bad as last year.

[Caseyg89]

All so familiar, thanks to each of the above posters for sharing. I have had HA for about 40 years! I am currently 46, and my first scare came during adolescence when I felt like I couldn't swallow. A few years later it was that I couldn't take deep breaths. Of course, at the time I knew nothing of "anxiety" nevermind "health anxiety". Had a few episodes of being absolutely frightened of getting cancer throughout teens and twenties. I think during those years I was active enough that exercise kept most issues at bay.

My HA has gone through the roof in the past ten years... now that I am aging I am falling into the demographic where these "diagnoses" become more reasonable. I have had friends diagnosed and passed away from cancer. My MIL died of esophageal cancer ten years ago and what followed was a year long belief that I also had esophageal cancer. I saw specialists, even an had an upper endoscopy. Beginning to end this lasted a whole year. Now I know it was most probably a combination of weight gain instigating reflux and some esophageal spasms and globus hystericus... along with me being hyper-aware of what I was "feeling". So I did have a legitimate initial symptom, but ended up blowing it out of proportion when it didn't go away on it's own over the course of, say, a month.

My next big one was about seven years ago when I was absolutely convinced I had MS. I did have some legitimate symptoms that are still around and a mystery. Out of the blue severe headaches, tingling in extremities, dizziness, alcohol intolerance, ringing in the ears, exhaustion, etc. My neurologist told me I most likely got a virus and these symptoms were in response to that; "post-viral syndrome", similar to chronic fatigue syndrome. Probably also some perimenopausal hormone drops influencing this too. I still suffer from this but it doesn't worry me too much anymore. Had a whole slew of tests and all came up fine.

Last year a coworker was diagnosed with bulbar onset ALS (which I suspected after noticing her symptoms for a year). I started "feeling" all sorts of symptoms related to ALS... weakness, etc. Of course, logically I knew there was nothing to this... but after about a month of fighting my negative thoughts, I had an all-out anxiety breakdown that took months to pull me out of. Ended up going back on antidepressants, started yoga, saw my therapist regularly, tried to keep busy, and used this forum for support.

And here I am again, started feeling a "pill stuck in chest" a little over a month ago... after almost a year of feeling great. I just tried to ignore it hoping it would go away... it didn't. So the obsessive catastrophising began. Esophageal cancer of course. Logically knowing this is exponentially more likely to be reflux or a slew of other issues. I started yoga last week and increased my antidepressants (I stayed on a low maintenance dose throughout the last year). I'm hoping I can nip this in the bud before it gets as bad as last year.

Hi Emgee,

I am actually also fixated on both my stomach and esophagus right now. Since becoming pregnant, I have had a lot of issues with my digestion (reflux, gas, indigestion etc). I started to perceive a difficulty with swallowing and convinced myself it was esophageal cancer. I am a 28 year old female, that does not smoke or drink. I ended up in a complete panic and went to ER and ended up getting an endoscope from a GI doctor. The results told me that I had some minor reflux but no obstructive changes. This helped my anxiety greatly for a little bit. I still continued to experience the sensations of food getting stuck in my throat and I panicked AGAIN and went to a different ER where they did another scope. Same results and biopsies were taken. I am still having the sensations and want a third scope. Keep in mind, during this time, I have also thought I had colon cancer and had two colonoscopies and an MRI. I have started to realize how hard it is to convince yourself otherwise when you've made up a story. In my mind, I am worried that two GI doctors(both with 20 years experience) missed esophageal or stomach cancer.

[melfish]

Bulbar symptoms for a year?! Prediagnosis? Wish I'd not read that

[MarkyMark88]

I have had HA for a few years now, starting when I worked for a home healthcare company. I had access to patient's medical charts and had to read them everyday for processing orders for medical equipment. Reading notes of people with heart failure, cancer, ALS and every other nasty disease one can end up getting in life. On top of that I had general anxiety from the job itself and finances.

That all came to a head this past August when I had my first panic attack as I was working out at the gym. I had the girls behind the front desk call 911 and had a fire truck and ambulance come, made a whole scene. I instantly thought I was having a cardiac episode. Something underlying that I have maybe had my whole life and now it's finally reared it's ugly head. Since August I have seen my PCP 4 or 5 times. I've had an EKG, multiple blood tests testing for thyroid problems, blood cell counts, had a blood smear, you name it. Everything came back normal. Then I ended up finding a note in my charts from 5 years ago, back when I had pneumonia, that worried me. The NP wrote it's possible I had a rare but mild heart condition due to some opaqueness on part of my upper lung that nobody decided to follow up with me on, until I brought it up a month ago. Of course I googled the condition and broke out in a cold sweat, thinking this is what is causing these "panic attacks." The doc reviewed it and said he doubts I even have what the NP had put in my chart at that time, being that I have never shown symptoms of that condition. I've gone back to my Dr for medications and to talk about my problems and I looked him in the eye and straight up asked, "Based on all of my tests and everything you have listened to me tell you, am I healthy? Do I need more blood tests, more tests for my heart? Is it just anxiety?" Without hesitation he said, "You are healthy and it would not be worth perusing any other tests right now. You should seek counseling."

That should make me feel elated, right?.......... WRONG! I cannot get out of my own head. Every pain, every heart palpitation, every bout of light headedness convinces me that I have some underlying condition that the doctors do not know about. I used to google my symptoms. The fact that I come to this site and no longer google has probably done more for me than meds.

So I know exactly what you are going through. I feel that once I am able to see a counselor that specializes in people with HA I will feel 100% better. I already have made strides with this website and talking to people that have the same issues as I do. Your brain can be your worst enemy or your best ally. It will get better. It has to.