been on my new dosage of 200mg for 3 weeks almost
started at 50mg, then went up to 150mg for 1 week, then 200mg for 3 weeks
i do feel a bit more balanced, but my ROCD is getting out of control
was thinking of seeing if dosage could go higher and hope for the best
cant live like this anymore with these awful feelings of fakeness, guilt, do i or dont love or want my partner
i thought i would start feeling normal and not anxious with my partner
she is amazing, i want to want!!
i feel guilty all the time and its spoiling what we have
i just wanna be happy
any ROCD sufferers much better on this drug or any other drug?
when i`m with her, i feel like im living a lie, like im faking it, i get anxious, very very upset and emotional, hot sweats, shear and utter fear etc....
i tell her i love her, but my mind keeps telling me i dont, i have acted like this all my life with ALL my partners...
she is also the only person to have made me laugh, feel relaxed enough to even talk to her about all my problems, yet still on the odd occasion, i get all this BAD STUFF going on in my mind that im actually exhausted and worn out with my feelings
the usual scenario is normally me feeling lonely, emotional and wanting to have a cuddle and have someone to talk to, basically so i`m not on my own, i dont have many friends, sad arent i?
my job is the opposite to this, im a professional musician and do huge shows in front of thousands of people, so this is all bizarre in my personal life
i meet someone really special, though never met anyone like my partner in all these years, it feels amazing at the start, then as we get closer and closer, i feel trapped and then the thoughts come rolling in, the hot sweats, the anixety, panic attacks, my mind telling me SHE is not actually the one, so much so that i cant believe how it makes me feel, it really makes me a bag of nerves, its like a demon eating away at me
if anyone has these feelings, you will know how upset it makes you feel...
i believe im just not capable of loving anyone, infact i never have.... all my relationships have ended because i end them, one of the main reasons is because i cannot live with the sheer and utter guilt and terror of the feelings im having and whether they are true or false, or what!
i really cant take anymore of living like this, i want to be happy, i want to feel excited that im gonna see someone, be happy when im with them, go on holiday, laugh and cry with them, tell them i love them and feel that closeness, i feel some of these things some of the time with my partner
i have been to to the doctors and was diagnosed with depression, have tried all forms of medication, nothing helps, i either sweat buckets or i feel worse normally, all i know is that i want to feel better and not have these life ruining thoughts as above
my life can`t go on like this
so much so, i even thought about ending it all, whats the point anymore?
do i be miserable the rest of my life? fearful of meeting anyone
do any of you suffer with these feelings? and please dont tell me there is always someone for someone, my own family try and understand, but they dont..... i dont know whether im evil, dont know how to even love, or maybe i should realise that life is meant to be lonely and single for some people
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