Can't work out what's real anymore

[shortstuff]

I was off work for a week with a viral infection (swollen glands in neck and face), and returned last week. On my first day back at work I struggled to breathe ALL day. It took me my entire break to catch my breath from walking up the stairs to the staff room, I couldn't get more than 3 words out without gasping for air, and I had pains in both chest and back. I went to see the GP and was told I had bronchitis, prescribed steroids and antibiotics and told I should feel the steroids working within 12 hours.

Sure enough, the following morning my breathing was already much better, so I went to work and felt reasonably well all day. I had to ring the GP that evening for advice as I had a pupil off with chicken pox and there was a warning on the steroid advice leaflet. I was told to stay away from work until the course of steroids was complete (the rest of the week).

I went into work early to explain this to the managers at work, and felt really guilty about it. I felt as though they didn't believe me, or thought I was being unreasonable even though I was following GP advice. After ringing around a bit, they decided to classify me as working from home and I was given a list of things to do.

I was so upset worrying what they thought of me, I simply could not focus on anything. Since then I have been absolutely exhausted, had recurring chest pains, felt light headed and been short of breath. I really can't work out if this is simply axiety and panic or whether its symptoms of bronchitis.

I'm due to return to work tomorrow and am terrified of having a panic attack at work. I've only worked there for 6 months and, although I have told some about the problems I have had with panic, none of them have ever witnessed just how out of control I can get. I really like my new job but am fightened of not living up to expectations, and this just makes everything worse. I really thought I had cracked this thing, I was feeling better, tackling each source of anxiety and now this.

I'm wondering whether it may be time to properly slow down, work part-time perhaps. My whole life seems to be in the air again and I hate it. Since September I have had one virus/bug after the other. I barely recover from one before something else comes along. I have had blood tests for aneamia and thyroid problems and they came back normal. I feel so exhausted all of the time that I'm convinced something is wrong.

I don't like going to the doctor as I feel as though I am wasting their time. When I went with the viral infection, I got the impression that the GP thought I was making the whole thing up (even though I was swollen from neck to face). On the other hand I'm worried that if I don't go, I could be putting my health at risk.

I just want to hide away and never go out again.

Nic

[randomworry]

dont worry nic.........congrats on the fairly new job ..........keep up the good work. everyone gets ill dont worry about what your employers might or might not think

[shortstuff]

Thanks

I think the main thing that has got me in knots is feeling as though this has set off the anxiety again. If I'm honest with myself I KNOW that not all of my symptoms are from the bronchitis. Here I am at 2am and can't sleep for worrying about work tomorrow, more specifically, on edge scared that I'll have a panic attack or a bad turn at work.

Little things that probably wouldn't bother lots of people have been chipping away. I was gobsmacked to be asked to swap classes with another teacher, for instance. The fact that chicken pox is air bourne and all of the pupils mix anyway didn't seem to register. I already felt guilty about letting people down without being asked to compromise my health against doctors advice. Then when the list of jobs to be done at home came through I was convinced they thought I was pulling a fast one! All of this when they actually knew that I was ill with bronchitis but had been trying to struggle in anyway!

I suppose it sets the scene for if I do have a relapse with the panic attacks - I can see they're not going to be very supportive. Perhaps that's what's worrying me.