Hi all

I have been a member of nmp since I was 18 (I'm now 31!), so yes....I am a long time sufferer of mental health problems. With each tumble, I have learned lessons and grown, and the last 3 years I have learned many a lessons.

So in a brief summary. I have suffered depression and anxiety since my teenage years. I had a major mental breakdown 3 years ago, was hospitalised, and also diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder. This diagnosis and the associated overwhelming symptoms left me destroyed. I didnt understand what was happening. After a hospital stay, all the professionals did was stick me on a therapy waiting list and said off i pop.

That waiting list was 2 and a half years. So in that time....I destroyed my marriage, and got into a very toxic relationship that left me socially isolated and pretty much in a bubble of escape.

I started mentalization based treatment (MBT) therapy last May. It woke my brain up. It made me look at myself and my world differently. This all lead to another breakdown....because I knew the life I was living was wrong, and not me or who I wanted to be.

Both breakdowns ended up in a hospital stay. But that is one of the few similarities of both breakdowns. My most recent breakdown, whilst horrible, with the same intrusive suicidal thoughts...was different....because in a way I knew what was happening. I knew what the emotions and thoughts were. They werent me....they were my mental illness. As much as the illness won to put me in hospital...I gave a good fight, trying to stave it off. I admit, it was horrible knowing what was happening and trying and failing to sto it...but knowing did make it more managable, and more imortantly alot less destructive.

Since this last breakdown, I have tried to do things right. My toxic relationship ended just before I ended up in hospital. And 3 months on I have found a special someone who is all the things that a toxic relationship is not.
I have also been more assertive where my treatment and care is concerned. So I have more support from professionals to help me get back on my feet.
I can recognise my limits more.
I am being kinder to myself....because hey...Ive been really poorly...no one would expect me to be hunky dory after the 6months Ive had.
I am remembering the basics.....sleep well..eat 3 meals a day...dont overdo it.
I am thinking past mental health....looking for hobbies....trying to find me and what I like.
I am not being a doormat....if I dont want to do something, I wont do it, and wont be pressured or guilted into anything.
I am being compliant with medication....because like the basics...if you mess that up then you have no chance of moving forward.
I am trying to get past my social anxiety....I have set goal with my occupational therapist....this is a work in progress lol.
I am thinking more about me, and trying to better myself in therapy.
I am also trying not to be so hard on myself.....remembering its ok to have a bad day, and listen to my mind and body when it needs to rest.
I also look at positive statements.
I have a self soothe box now.

So. Those are some of the things I'm doing differently.
I still have much to learn.

But please all. Remember that each hurdle will make you stronger. Because knowledge is power. Knowing more about you and how your mental illness affects you will help you stay well. It will help you catch yourself and get help sooner...so maybe the next fall wont hurt so bad.

I am more than my diagnosis and symptoms. I may be near the bottom right now....but the steps I am building and moving up are sturdier and more permanent. I hope my story can help others feel more hope.....because a few months back I had none....and now....I have it, and are taking steps to live a fulfilling life....rather than just existing on this earth.

much love xx