Just about had enough (negative post!)

[jonny]

I just sitting here wondering if it really is worth carrying on anymore....One minute i am fine the next i am suicidal. Its not so much the depression that is killing me but the damn ups and downs. I just can't bear to live the rest of my life with all this dissapointment and heartache that the lows bring just when you though you had beaten it!

When i look around me and see what i have got i know i should feel blessed but i never do. I hate myself, i hate everything about me and i wish my life would end.

Don't get me wrong guys i ain't gonna do it, i never would but i do wish some freak accident would come my way so i didn't have to make that choice. I really think that would be great as i get to check out of this crap life and no one will have to put with the stigma of me having topped myself.

Does anyone else ever feel this desperate?



Jonny.

I used to be extremely indecisive but now I am not so sure...

[Buby]

hey jonny,

first time i was depressed i was well scared i mite do summit silly and i looked round at my fam and friends and new i had the support there for me weneva i needed it. i do understand wot ure goin through. i have self harmed myself b4 i just once. i cut myself on the top of my arm, although it only looked like a paper cut, it hurt like hell but ive neva dun it since then cos ive regreted doin it. but at times i do feel desparate to escape my feelings of sdaness and anger but weneva i feel like that i attack me pillow, it does the world of gd for me. and ive also wrote all my feelings on pieces of paper and just screamed at the top of my voice while rippin it all up. (just a few ideas) but most of us will no wot u r feeling, and ive often wondered wot it wud b like for a car to hit me and then my problems wud all go away. but then i thunk that theres a chance id live and my problems wud still b with me. so then i hope it doesnt happen cos id b in so much pain ontop of my problems. but im sure sum ova ppl on here will give u more advice, and see if my ideas wud help u even if its the slightest bit.

hugs Rachel xxxxx

[red]

Hi Jonny
It is hard for sufferers to face the ups and downs - it must be the hardest thing to do out of all of it. As you say, one minute fine and enjoying life then WHAM - down in the pits. It always seems that we are just too tired to climb back up again and then we think, as you do, what is the point? In my life I have felt the despair enough to wish a disaster to come my way and get out of the crap - but I am glad, now at the other end, that I didn't.

It is worth carrying on and there are thousands of people who have been in a similar position saying the same, I'm sure. It feels like all the hard work in getting 'right' has all gone to waste - but it hasn't. The way you are when you are well is still in your memory and can be recalled - unfortunately, so are the thoughts you had when you were not well. You can have every materialsitic thing in the world around you and not be blessed, so don't feel guilty or have bad feelings about that at all, people like Winston Churchill - who had a pretty lucrative life - has felt like we have - material stuff just doesn't figure in anxiety or depression.

Depression usually strikes when we are tired of anxiety - I mean physically tired of it, not just mentally. So, now is the time to make sure that your thoughts are on what you want to achieve when you feel well again and not on how you feel now. This plus making sure that your eating / vitamin / relaxation routines are in place will soon start to show you signs of recovery, I'm sure. As much as it seems barmy - keep yourself occupied so as not to re-enforce your depressive mood thoughts.

Contact me off line if you feel that I could help more with this.

Take care

Red
x

[twister]

Johnny

I don't have any good advice but hang on in there - there are good things and good people in this world that can get you through.

xxxxxxx

Emily

[jollywalrus]

Hi Jonny,
I know exactly how you feel. I too am at that point. I am tired of the struggle. I have followed every bit of advice I have been given, but I am still at rock bottom and full of panic, depression and anxiety. I have three lovely chidren and I want to enjoy them, not keep finding excuses to not do things. Last night I even struggled to get in to the shop to buy them school shoes! I know you will all say at least you went and did it. But I wanted to browse. I wanted to try on shoes that were too high and wobble so we could all laugh at the memory. Instead it was in, get your shoes now, pay, and out. All done in the grip of fear. My husband is so good and keeps telling me it will pass, but I feel a right let down and I just want to be back to normal. Someone told me that people who live in fear, don't live at all, and I think they are right really.
Sorry to sound so grim. I think Jonny's post just hit a chord.
Love to all,
Christine

[stimpy]

I think we've all been there at some point.

No way forward, things just stay the same or feel worse.
We start to feel there is no point getting up to the same thing, day after day.
Always the same, nothing changes and it rarely feels better.

Medication and positive thought does help, but it takes time, things don't get better over night.
The key is making yourself do things, even if you don't want to.
Having fun and good memories comes later once you have conqurered the fear and depression.

Hang in there, things will get better, it just takes time, that's all.

Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
With hard work and determination and all the things you know.
The world is there for you to take. There's nowhere you can't go.


[]Scatty Eccentric & 'Poet Laureate to panic and anxiety'

[jonny]

Well this morning brought about a better mood - thank god. Isn't a good nights sleep just the best thing?

Thank you all for such kind words, i know i don't give as much time to others in this group as i should, so it is much apprieciated.



Jonny.

I used to be extremely indecisive but now I am not so sure...

[nomorepanic]

Jonny

When I was at my worst I felt just like you. I used to make tape-recordings and on one of them I say that I didn't want to live anymore cos there was no point. Like you I never contemplated suicide but I just didn't want to live.

Glad to feel you are a bit better today - sleep is a great healer.

I am sure that with the lighter evenings and the sun making appearances then we will all start to feel better.

Try to plan some days out with your daughter and think of all the fun that you can have together this summer. Try and remain positive and above all stick with it ok.

It is a horrid illness but in time it will get better and you will feel brighter and more positive.

As for not giving much to this site then that is fine ok? We are here for people when and if they need us. It is nice to come back and just post when you feel a little down and people then pick you up. So, don't worry about that ok?

Take care and a big hug to you!

xx

Nicola

[benoo5]

hya matey,well ime away for a few weeks,come back,and see your post...to write what you did,helped you,believe it or not!...it got it out of your system,and thats a good thing,so keep up the writing.

as you said,a good nights sleep helped you...sleep is very under-rated,when your emotionally unwell,anxiety,depression,panic,take there toll on the physical,as well as mental being of the body,and its so important to rejuvinate your strength.

ime going to suggest something,which you might think strange,but it does work....the next time your feeling desperately low,spend two days in bed...put mineral water,on the bedside table,close the curtains...when you wake up,go to the toilet,get back in bed,take a sip of water//trust me,you will fall back to sleep....this method has been used in hospitals,for decades,and is still used today.

best wishes matey........bryan.

[Buby]

haha bry mayb i shud try, i cud do wiv it. i dont get to sleep till 4 o'clock, and that 3 nites runin, doubt me mam will like it tho hehe. but i think that if it works in hospitals u shud deffinately try it jonny. go for it yay. hehe. doctors no best........apparently.

hugs Rachel xxx

ure right tho bryan, it is kinda strange. wont u get bed sores or is that wen u stay in bed for weeks? hmmm...neway...