Cannot live like this

[flappergirl]

Hi all,

I suffer from GAD and HA which flares up from time to time when I am stressed. I have been stressed for a while now due to health issues in my family and now I am at my limit.

My MIL moved in with us in January as my SIL who she lived with died at Christmas. It was a hard time for us all and we tried to group together to get through it. We have two young kids and my MIL is quite elderly although appears to be quite sprightly.

Over the past few months our home life has deteriorated and is now unbearable. My MIL is the problem. We have tried to accommodate her needs and help her feel at home. We have our ways of doing things and where hers are different, we have tried to accommodate them too but sometimes the silly things (like lid off toothpaste lol) are frustrating and we have asked her to try to do things like the rest of us... ie put rubbish in bin not sink, wash up used pots (I have found Jen hidden in oven and in the garden!) When I have made comments they were not well received and MIL said she feels like she can’t do anything right. So I try to back off a bit more. Since she moved in she has had a lot to deal with and we have made allowances for her. She refuses grief counselling. She doesn’t want to talk to us about my SIL (her daughter) and has put all her photos away.

But since she moved in, despite our best efforts, she is becoming more and mor withdrawn and aggressive. She has accused my young kids of not liking her, that her son doesn’t want her, that I don’t like her and most weekends would involve her either totally withdrawing from us and being sad but not wanting to talk to us, or being angry with us and saying that we are not being nice to her basically. It is hurtful especially as we feel that we try our best. Yes we might be a bit short or snappy at times but we try so hard to look out for her.

This week she has accused me of throwing away some of her cloth s, made a query about money (as she cannot access her money due to it being overseas she asks us to do it) which came out like an accusation that I had taken more money than she needed and where was the rest? She once tried to get my OH to bring meds into the country (which turned out to be banned here) and when I got cross and tried to ask her to see the UK gp she turned to my husband and said “see what she is like?” And she tonight has totally denied saying something that I very clearly remember her saying and has accused me of making things up and I am trying to make her go crazy or suggest that she is losing her mind.

I am at my wits end and when I have to come home I sit and cry on the side of the road. I feel physically sick. I went to GP yesterday and he prescribed antidepressants but I need to deal with my MIL. We need to find her alternative accommodation but the waiting list is too long!! What can I do? My OH does not want to have a confrontation with his mother so he basically lets her talk to me how she wants and does not support me, he “forgets” any details or conversations we have if it means it might contradict his mum.

Argh!! Any advice on care homes etc. I am considering putting her into a hotel and hoping that the council can offer hare emergency accommodation. It is affecting the well being of the whole family (and no doubt her too if she feels like we are all out to get her).

Just need to rant and seek advice/support.

Xx

[welsh girl]

Hi ]You sound a very nice patient person< although my MIL did not live with us she made my life hell, she was always grumbling to my OH (her son) about me although I tried my best to be kind to her and help her anyway I could.
I could write a book of instances which upset me terribly< however I was lucky my
Husband always stood up for me, that in itself caused problems<
We have her no longer, Don't make yourself ill< remember she has had her life whatever she decided to do with it, now you enjoy yours<

[flappergirl]

Thank you for your reply. I am fairly patient and have had a lot to deal with since she came to move in. I know that she has had an enormous change and at her age it is hard however I don’t think that her lashing out at me is particularly fair. I have had her accuse me today of manipulating my husband so he does not talk to her and manipulating my kids so that my 8 year old “doesn’t like her” because he knows that I would be cross. I would not be cross, my son doesn’t think anything of the sort and I am not manipulating anyone. I fear that she is not thinking straight and am unsure if it is due to grief/homesickness/dementia/other mental issues. All I can do is try to be patient, I have told her that she doesn’t know what others are thinking and why people act in certain ways and it is wrong for her to make assumptions that are unkind and totally untrue. She does seem to have a complex that we are all out to get her and that I am the person driving it all. It makes me sad as I know that it is not true and it is hurtful to hear when I have tried my best. Yes I am not sparkling all the time and at times I am stressed and may be snappy etc, but I will always say sorry and make amends.

Every few weeks my MIL has one of these episodes where she tells us how we are not kind to her that she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this and all we are doing is trying to Live our lives and not to upset her. Seems whatever we do we fail.

It has affected my anxiety to the point where I wake up feeling sick, I go home with stomach churning and all that. But none of that matters to her, when we said once that we are finding it hard too, she just ignored me refused to talk and then went upstairs.

It is so hard and I am so grateful to people on here who always have a kind or supportive word or an experience to share to let me know that I am not alone and that we can all get through this.

Thanks x