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Thread: I'm Giving Up

  1. #1
    Join Date
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    I'm Giving Up

    I've resigned myself to believe that I'll never be happy. My meds aren't working. 5mg cipralex. Very low dose. Doctor wont up it. Meh.

    When I was 14, my nan died. Then my boyfriend dumped me. My best friend moved miles away. I failed college. Took a year off where I succeeded in getting fat. Failed college again. Got fatter. Then I started meds, that was in August.

    Yesterday, I kissed my closest friend, and then realised I didn't want a relationship with him at all. And he's insane about me. And he's actually trying to make me feel better after I rejected him, essentially.

    I'm talking to him now on MSN. I told him how I dont self harm, but I do intentionally hurt myself. My zits never heal because I scratch the skin right off them. I gouge skin out of the back of my head, and let it bleed. It'll scab over and I'll gouge it out again. As I do this I think 'you deserve this' quite involuntary.

    I also pretend, when lying in bed, that I'm in a coma from which I'll never wake up. My friends and family, and pretty much anyone I've ever met gather around my hospital bed to cry, feel ****ty and say goodbye.

    And sometimes it actually hurts for me to breathe. That I'm so burdened and in pain that I can't quite catch my breath. Like there's a weight on my chest pushing down.

    This entire ****ing planet is one big let down, one big war, everyone hates everyong else. It's a disgusting place to be. Each night I listen out for the police sirens to go past, which they always do. It's tragic, it's painful, it hurts so bad, this pain. Oh, god, I just want it to stop. To be able to breathe again.

    I want babies and a family. So badly. How can someone as obviously ****ed up as me have that? My babies, when they grow older, will get my depression. And a husband... who'd want me?

    I don't want to die, I just wish I NEVER ****ING EXISTED.

    Oh, god, make it stop. I just want to sleep. Painless, calm, dreamless sleep. I want to let go. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't do it. I hurt everyone I love. I'm a disappointment. I shatter everything I hold dear. I want the migrains to stop. I want peace. I want love. I want to go home, back to being six when everything was safe and easy and pure. Not this. Please, god, not anymore.

    (I'm trying to cry quietly so I don't wake my parents up, don't want to alarm them of all this - how ****ing twisted is that?)

    I hate myself so much. I loathe every aspect. I'm a heartbreaker and a bitch. I'm a fat, disgusting failure. I'm so desperate. I'm too ****ing nice. I'm a push over. I'm pathetic. I give too much. I have no guts. I used to be strong. I can't handle this. I can't do it. I don't want to.

    And I'm so goddamn lonely. I want my best friend back, I want to say sorry to the boy who's insane about me because I broke my promise. I hurt him. Got his hopes up. He's too good for me.

    There's not much fight left in me. Tragic.

  2. #2
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    Hi LockedShut. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I cried when I read your post.
    First, how long have you been on the meds? Sometimes it takes a while before they start to work. If you have been on them a while and they are not working you need to see a Doctor who will try something else. You do not have to see your regular Doctor if you feel they are unsympathetic or difficult to talk to.
    You are not worthless, pathetic or a push over (or any of the other things you say about yourself). You are just as valid and special as anybody else. You will have a husband and children one day and they will not get your depression. They will love you because you are special.
    You are only young, and it is normal to be confused about relationships at your age. Just be kind and truthful to your friend and everything will work out in the end.
    You are thinking negative dark thoughts because you are unwell. There must be someone you can confide in. There is no shame in feeling the way you do so please be honest so they can help and support you.
    You are poorly at the moment sweetheart, but things will get better, and you can achieve anything you want. Just concentrate on getting better for now, and take one day at a time.
    Please PM me if you need to talk.
    Love and big hugs from shoegal xxx

  3. #3
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    Hi Lockedshut,

    Firstly I also wish to say how sorry I am you are feeling so low and desperate, you really are struggling at the moment. However, well done letting how you feel out and expressing those thoughts, it was very brave of you and for that its a start to admitting how you are feeling. Many can't actually put coherently and logically express how they feel.

    When you put on medication were referred for counselling? I feel you could benefit greatly from offloading your thoughts to an independant person if you can't talk to your parents or friends.

    Yes 5mg is a low dose but does your GP know how you are struggling atm? Do your parents know you are on anti depressants? Do you have their support?

    Lockedshut, feeling as low as this everything feels worthless and stuck but life doesn't sit still and things will improve but it takes time. You will get a lot of support from this forum, have a look around the site for articles as to how others have used strategies to get through slowly, you seem to have snowballing thoughts which need to be broken down and dealt with individually.
    Your friend if a true friend will stick by you even though you feel a promise was broken. He obvioulsy cares for you.

    Hang in there and come into chatroom sometime if not to chat just to know there are many of us here to support you.

    I will just reiterate though just how well you've done posting, keep posting and expressing, crying if you can and releasing some of those confusing pent up emotions.

    All the very best and pm if I can be of any help

    love Sax xxxx[8D]

  4. #4
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    hi

    im feeling rough at the mo but it still makes me feel so sad when i hear someone is feeling so awful. please please dont give up thing pass things come along

    all best wishes and hugs to you

    i cant hug u in person but im sending one now

    x

  5. #5
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    Eloise,

    Darlin' you've got it all wrong .... you're gorgeous, not fat at all, got your whole life ahead of you and, it's obvious from your posts, are an articulate, intelligent and gorgeous (did I already say that?) young woman.

    You WILL get over this burden and when you do you'll realise that life is worth living and that your contribution can make the world, even if it's solely your world, a better place.

    I wouldn't suggest you watch it (I hate to admit it makes me cry! Every time!!) but A Wonderful Life with James Stewart is a great film about someone who thinks that if they didn't carry on living then things for everyone else would get better ...... and how wrong he would be. We all have a part to play in life's great tapestry and you're is vital.

    Just think, without even knowing it, you've entered my Friday. I'll be thinking about you all day now. You;ve made an impression on me, not just me but everyone who's read your post. Just how many people have you made think about your situation? That's just how brilliant a person you are.

    You're clearly in turmoil but you're too valuable to consider recoiling into a shell or giving up, if your friend is a friend indeed he'll help you through this 'episode' which in years time you'll be able to look back on and realise that, yes, it was a sh** time but one what helped shape you into the woman you'll be.

    I hope you take this response positively and even moreso, personally, as it really is heartfelt and as an 'old boy' (41) old enough to be your dad it comes with real emotion, concern and genuine hope for you.

    Happiness and light to all,
    'Chopper'




    I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
    ’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
    Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
    Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
    But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
    I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

    James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

  6. #6
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    Thank you for all your replies.
    To answer some of your questions, I've been on meds since the end of August. First 10mg citalopram, but they made me sick, and since my health isn't great anyway, I didn't see the point in them. Then I got switched to cipralex.

    I was offered councilling, I had an assessment session of CBT. I was told to contact something called the Wimbledon Guild. I did, left all my details but they never got back to me.

    And yes, my parents do know. But it's not really depression to them. My dad is oblivious to a lot of things. He doesn't really pay me a lot of attention, and I don't really let him anyway so he doesn't know much, only what mum tells him. And mum thinks this is just a phase. I could break my back and she'd say it's not broken, it's just your age. They think I'm lazy and this could all be sorted out in a instant, just get a job, meet some new people, find a man. I can barely get out of bed. I spent yesterday sleeping, and I will again today.

    As for today, I've woken up, it's 11:20, I've had breakfast. And after checking my messages on here, I'm going to climb straight back into bed. My thoughts keep racing, and like you said Sax, my thoughts are snowballing. I can't keep up. One minute I'm out of bed, brushing my teeth, thinking don't I look thin today, the diet is working. Then I'll sit still for a moment and everything will come crashing back. I'm not very good at just letting go.

    So back to bed I go...
    Thank you all, love you all so much
    xo

  7. #7
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    Thanks Chopper, don't feel particularly gorgeous today though! I've never thought about how many people I affect like that. That'll give me something to ponder today Thanks for caring, I really need that...
    xo

  8. #8
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    Hi LockedShut,

    I don't quite know how to follow the above responses but I'll try (they were so good). Absolutely no-one on this earth is too good for you. He was your friend first and will remain so. You are lucky to have such good friends. I understand that you are depressed right now but when you lay in bed at night try to think of at least 3 good things that you have in your life. Now I know this can be difficult but sometimes it helps.

    As for your parents, try and talk to them. Sit them down and look them in the eye and talk to them. Sometimes we parents are so busy with our own lives we honestly think our children (and I don't mean to offend you with that word I still call my 21 year old a child), are really doing well when they aren't. What you need is open communication with them right now.

    I don't know how old you are but here in the States they are trying not to recommend giving young people anti-depressants even to the age of 21. That might be the reason your doctor is trying to keep you at a low dosage, I just don't know.

    I think it is good that you want a family. That signifies that you are looking towards your future, a good thing in my opinion. I too suggest counseling if you can somehow manage it again, if they don't call you back, you call them. Be aggressive in your treatment, these days you have to be.

    I wish nothing but the best for you. If you can manage it try to get out for short walks during the day, it will honestly make you feel better.

    Also, the chatroom is always a great place to go to when you are feeling down, laughter is the best medicine. Plus, there are those who have been there and those that are there now that can help you.

    Hope I have been of some assistance.

    Hugs to you,

    Belxx

    "Our thoughts are our reality"

  9. #9
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    Well put Bell xx just had to comment on ur response, awesome x

  10. #10
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    Well what can I say to you thats not allready been said. I could start the holding hands routine but i won't. I used to be a regular on this site, (ask people like southern bell, stace etc) When i read you post it was a bit of daju vu, (except im male) I was as low as you in fact i was sucidal. Now its all different for me as it can be for you. It's not easy, it's a painfull self help regime that worked for me and could work for you. Accept that you are at your lowest point, you cant get lower, therefore the only way is up. Start looking for positives in life, they will be there you will just have to recognise and believe them. For instance you pour a drink and get the mixer quanity right, thats a positive. you laugh at the tv or a friend thats a positive. Once you have a positive concentrate on it, make it a big thing, it will outweigh the negat8ives in life just for a few moments but it will. Then look for the next and the next, pretty soon your positives will ouytweigh the negatives of life. Thats when you will stop to smell the flowers, thats when you regain hope, thats when you will start to beat this terrible illnes. Just keep at it, the flowers smell lovely when you take the time to smell them. it worked for me, I came from being sucidal to regaining a better version of life, i learned to life and be thankful for the life. Its a wonderful thing, you will enjoy it again. Keep coming to the fourum, be a bit looney but please start to laugh, laugter you will find will be its own reward. I hope you can find some help in this marathon of a reply, remember, keep laughing

    Keith

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