Real bad day today. DLA, crying, work, life.....

[happyone]

Today has been a real bad day.

I just came home today to a letter from the dept of work and pensions to say I have been awarded highest rate DLA. Initially I was chuffed as it means my financial mess since reducing working hours and being on half pay is sorted.
Then I got to thinking about it and what it really means. I have a recognizeable mental health condition that merits full DLA. It is for real. The dept of work and pensions recognise it, the doc, the therapist and the shrink all gave info for it so they all think I am solid gone too.

It comes on top of me having a crying spell with my mum today telling her that I really think I can't manage to return to work this time, I really don't. Not because of my bi polar, but because of my anxiety. The two are closely intertwined though. I have this picture in my head of trying to return to work on the 6th Jan and literally not making it through the door. I won't ask for more time off as it will not help but I really do think I am about to lose my job and/or plot.

I told my therapy group today something that I don't want to repeat but it was really hard for me to say and now that it is out in the open, I feel dreadful, sick and guilty. I also told them that I think it is a matter of time before I lose my children. Whether literally cos of me being ill and doing stupid stuff and social services taking them away, my hubby leaving with them cos my behaviour is too much for him to cope with, emotionally cos I push them away with my erratic behaviour, through death.....I just think it is a matter of time. I could see the shock and sadness for me register on their faces but I was being honest...it is what I believe.

Sorry for all this negativity. I know I have been doing so well, but I am coming down now. I have been on a slight high (BP term...hypomania....mania.... but not bad just increased energy and drive) for the past while. I am not in the depths of despair or anything, but I am getting scared by my increase in bad thoughts (BP term mixed episodes or rapid cycling) I am scared of the gap in no therapy over the break but I do have a CPN coming.

I feel like I am disappointing you all. I am still determined to get better but I don't know if I can do it on determination alone.
I really really really want to go get drunk (BP term....self medicating) but I am not going to (today)

Happyone
xxx

[honeybee3939]

Aww Happyone

Sorry to hear you have had such a bad day ,im not really sure what to say, but please try and hang on to all your positvie thoughts, you have been doing so well lately and i for one have been real proud of you.

I hope tommorrow will be brighter for you hun

Love

Andrea
xxxxx

[Jaco45er]

Hiya Happy

Do you know what? honeybee just said sorry for the "bad day". What if this is just a bad day, or a couple of bad days? as bee just said you have been doing so well lately.

What if we call this a glitch? just one of those rubbish down days we get when it all seems so damn pointless and empty.

How many times have you (and I, and them) all came out the otherside and felt better, and even wondered why we got so down in the 1st place?

I do hope the next few days you start to feel better.

Jaco

[bottleblond]

Hiya Happy,

Please don't feel so downhearted! it's all very easy for us to beat ourselves up because of our illness, i do it alot myself hun, but having ANXIETY, BI POLAR, or any other similar illness does not make us a bad person. I'm sure your husband and kids love you very very much.

Remember what the others said, your going through a wee bit of a bad spell at the moment but you'll cme through good hun.


Take care of yourself

Love Lisa
xxx

[happyone]

Hopefully it is just a bad spell. I am just so scared the next bad spell will be as bad as the last and I couldn't cope with that. My new meds, I haven't been on them long enough to be confident in them yet. I don't think my family could cope with much more of me being wacky. I know I couldn't cope if it was my hubby. I know they love me but even love has its boundaries and can only be stretched so much.
I keep on telling myself, and others, I am recovering, but it just feels so fragile ...like it could be whipped away from me at any moment.

I am trying so hard, I really and truelly am. Whenever I start to feel bad, I kind of think OMG...what if this is IT? Is this time for me to call the MHT as they always tell me to call before things get so bad. Yet, I have so many bad thoughts so frequently I would be calling them all the time!

You are probably all right though. It is just a bad spell. A build up of anx producing stuff. I am sure the back money of the DLA will help me comfort spend

Hippy

[Jaco45er]

Tiss just a bad spell Happy

You are recovering, see? you are getting back to normal already, typical woman, comfort spending

Jaco

[Piglet]

Today has been a real bad day.

TODAY being the operative word - I agree with the gist of what Jaco said on that score!!!

Then I got to thinking about it and what it really means. I have a recognizeable mental health condition that merits full DLA. It is for real.

I felt like this too after applying and getting the lower rate DLA for my agoraphobia and also applying for incapacity benefit - me Piglet, Piglet the ordinary everyday person, Piglet the housewife and mother, Piglet the artist, Piglet the pringle eater, Piglet the clubber, Piglet the ............... well you get the idea. I too never ever ever thought I would have mental health issues - and yet here we are!!!

It felt horrid at first because it's a label but it doesn't have to fence you in and it doesn't have to be forever. Nothing is forever - we are evolving and changing everyday and quite frankly some of the nicest people ever that I have met are the ones with mental health issues!!!

The dept of work and pensions recognise it, the doc, the therapist and the shrink all gave info for it so they all think I am solid gone too.

Give over already - do they eckers like!!

I have this picture in my head of trying to return to work on the 6th Jan and literally not making it through the door.

So what - try something new - you can do anything you want to do and more!! Think of Stephen Fry!

I also told them that I think it is a matter of time before I lose my children. Whether literally cos of me being ill and doing stupid stuff and social services taking them away, my hubby leaving with them cos my behaviour is too much for him to cope with, emotionally cos I push them away with my erratic behaviour, through death.....I just think it is a matter of time. I could see the shock and sadness for me register on their faces but I was being honest...it is what I believe.

That's the anxiety talking today - when I first started having panic attacks I said this to my GP (weeping at the time clutching a teddy off of one of the kids) "do I belong in hospital, am I a danger to people"? I can almost hear my sister muttering "only with your bloody cooking".

I feel like I am disappointing you all. I am still determined to get better but I don't know if I can do it on determination alone.

Again give over - are you eckers like!!

You're human and getting better involves taking some side roads sometimes - we all do it. I'm trying to get in the habit of speaking up sooner when I feel crap, rather than leaving it to boiling over point because some of the boiling over points could be reduced to a simmer if I did.

Have a big big hug for a poo pants day.

Love from your old mate Piglet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[honeybee3939]

Ohh Happy im so pleased Piglet as replied, she is so good with words!

Piglet........."Eckers!" well thats a super dooper word for my next move at scrabbie!

Happy, hope this evening is been kinder to you hun .

Tommorrows a new day, and im sure it will be a more positive one for you...Keep smiling my friend

Andrea
xxxxxxx

[happyone]

Thanks folks,
I am going to go to bed early and hopefuly waken to a brighter tomorrow!
I am too tired to respond to everyone individually, but hugs to you all

Happyone
xx

[Quirky]

Hi Happyone,

Sorry to hear you've had a bad day

Piglet said some wise things there, just what I would have tried to say only far better.

Big big hugs for you and I am thinking of you

Lisa x