Fear of Brain tumor - my ****ed up life full of anxiety
My story is incredibly complicated and long... I feel like there is a lot of backstory I'd have to mention in order to make this somewhat comprehensible... I hope people will find this worth reading and might give me a response. I honestly don't know why I'm doing this - I fear this is just me looking for reassurance, but who knows, perhaps sharing my pain here, will make a difference. I'd be very surprised if someone actually read all this...
Here it goes: I am currently suffering from a terrible fear of having a brain tumor. There are tons of things that make me think this, I currently have the following symptoms:
-flashing lights, like blue dots in the center of my vision, all the time, kind of blurry, I can ignore them if I look at something, I mostly see them on an empty wall or something
-terrible neck stiffness, painful and causing many headaches (I have had this problem almost all my life)
-tension headaches on and off - sometimes nothing, sometimes strong (usually because of my neck, but I have now lost the ability to make that judgement as I now fear that this is caused by a tumor)
-a weird sensation as if I have to sneeze, not all the time, but I do sneeze about once or twice a day and I have no idea why
-occasional nausea and dizziness/feeling of unbalance - it has happened two days ago that I thought I'm gonna pass out - drinking water helped me though - as I realized I hadn't had anything to drink all day
-sensitive to light, I have after-images that last longer than they should, when I get super nervous because of a panic-moment, my entire vision flashes and I see even objects causing after-images that have no light source
Now I want to tell you what happened to me during this month in which my suffering has started. About 5 months ago, I had a terrible break up with my partner. I was absolutely devastated and it killed me inside - I have cried terribly but the pain was sometimes so strong and too much, so I tried to ignore it, wouldn't speak about it to anyone and just distract myself. Our relationship was a toxic mess anyhow - we fought pretty much twice a week and I generally suffer from severe jealousy and fear that someone would cheat on me or not truly love me. Because of that I went through every day having terrible stomach aches, completely ****ed up digestion, and generally no desire to eat (I lost about 20 pounds, and I'm fit - so these 20 pounds were very unhealthy for me to lose). My fear that he would cheat on me killed me every single day and I cried at least twice each day. Anyways, we broke up, I fell in a hole, and avoided thought and memories of him.
The Urithritis Case
Now a couple months later I moved to a different country to do a master's program and right at the start I had a super painful urithritis - so a urinal tract infection. I went to a doctor, he told me he thinks it's chlamydia gave me powerful antibiotics. They did tests (came out negative, so the antibiotic wasn't even necessary, at least not that powerful shit), and I took the meds. About a week into it, I had stomach cramps, dizziness, and a terrible allergic reaction that affected my eyeballs. My eyes were under so much pain, I couldn't open them, it felt like I had strings around my eyeballs cutting into them. I saw several doctors giving me different things for the eyes until the optometrist was convinced this was an allergic reaction to something and gave me the right eye drops for it - the eyes went back to normal, at the same time I also stopped taking the antibiotics.
From that moment, I completely focused on my genital, in fear that the infection would come back at some point, because the healing happened slowly so I could still feel a mild itch for a while. After a while, I actually could feel some weird sensation down there, it was not quite like the infection, but it was similar. I started obsessing over it and googled online if people had similar symptoms - in other words, I found out I could potentially have a prostate infection or even worse cancer. Then I found something about constant urination (which I do especially when I'm nervous or anxious) and how that is another sign for something serious - yadayada, I ended up going to a specialist - because why not, I have never checked my prostate so I might as well do it now. To make it short, my prostate was absolutely fine, but they found a few anal warts and told me that I need to treat it otherwise it could lead to cancer or something. Obviously, I went batshit nuts, I cried so hard, scared of any potential thread, and they gave me a strong medication, imiquimod. They took a few samples to test for cancer cells (all came back negative, no cancer but mild dysplasia, which is why I have to put on this ointment).
I went back home hating everything, feeling super down and lonely. I am generally extremely lonely here, as I am new to this country and I don't have many friends yet.
The Warts and Vision Case
That day changed everything. On that day, my life became a big pile of shit:
worried about the warts and scared that they could lead to something severe, I started being even more hyper-aware of my body and my surroundings. I still felt the odd feeling in my genital, so I was a nerve wreck. Then, something terrible happened - I noticed a blue light appearing in my vision. I realized that I have seen this several times over the past week or so, but I have always just ignored it, because I knew that these are normal sometimes. But this time was different - I couldn't forget about it, it worried me sick... so I went back to Dr. Google, my worst enemy for life. I found articles and websites about flashing lights and how they could mean retinal detachment and other serious diseases that lead to blindness if not treated IMMEDIATELY. Bang another blue light. Fear. Another blue light. Fear. and I focused on my vision on that night without sleep - tried to figure out when it appears, when it doesn't and BAM I noticed it was constant, and I noticed different shapes as well when I focus really hard on the wall - to put it simply: from that moment on, it was a constant light and blurriness in the center of my vision. I freaked the hell out and called the ophthalmologist emergency. They said I should definitely come see them the next day as this is very serious. So I went there, had two doctors check my eye thoroughly - I brought them a list of things I found online asking whether it could be any of these. They tested for all the potential diseases: result - my eyes are absolutely healthy, no fluid leak inside, no scratches, no retinal detachment, no odd eye pressure, no slow reaction to light or movement. Both doctors (the resident doctor called his supervisor in, who is also the big boss in that institute, to be safe) looked at me and said that this has to be neurological and they're assumption is that it is stress related. They said I just had to relax. Ignore it. Then I asked them, should I see a neurologist? Is this something serious? They said no, absolutely no need - what I have can be reactions to stress, anxiety, or even migraines. They called them optical migraines, migraine aura, whatever, and they didn't see any need for any more examinations.
I felt better. So much better. I thought okay, I am not going blind. I can rest now, finally. Now... funny thing: my odd genital feeling was GONE. I had absolutely no pain down there at all, there was nothing, I was so focused on my eyes that I guess I have let go of my urithritis fear and therefore let go of the phantom pain... (That was a very significant moment for me in realizing the power of anxiety)
Then a week later. My vision didn't change. One night I went out to drink, (drinking is the only time I feel normal and relaxed, so I do it a lot, it is like vacation) and when I woke up, I was hungover and I had an after image in my vision that wouldn't disappear. It stayed there for about 5 hours and dimmed down a bit. I freaked out, thought that I'm now actually going blind and that this needs medical attention immediately. I went to see the ophthalmologist two days later - until then the after-image actually subsided almost completely and my doctors checked everything again, coming to the exact same conclusion as my previous doctors. And I was again at a loss... This point I obviously googled symptoms again online, while I had to wait for the appointment, so I found someone mention a brain tumor as possible cause for flashing lights and said that one should get that checked. Before I left, I had to ask them whether they think it is a tumor and I need to see a neurologist - again, both said no, absolutely not, and wouldn't even refer me. It kind of calmed me down, because, I mean, they were not alarmed the slightest. They said they've been doing neuron-opthalmology for so many years and have seen so many patients with similar symptoms - they know what they're doing. I had to trust them.
The Brain Tumor Case
I went back home. But I kept remembering that article about brain tumors. About at that time, I started taking the medication imiquimod. Let me make this quick: I had terrible nausea, headaches, complete imbalance and dizziness and generally joint-pain, feeling like having a fever, but no actual fever - I felt like utter shit. Of course, I made the connection to the brain tumor. Nothing else. I obsessed over it. On suggestion from my mother, I googled side effects of the medication: and there you go, everything I mentioned was listed there, and many people online were suffering from the same effects. I called my doctor who said that this is a good sign, because it means the medication is working, he said that it accelerates and focuses my immune system towards the warts and basically agitates your body to fight off whatever is odd down there, causing the effect of a flu (as the symptoms one has during the flu is not the disease itself but the immune system fighting the virus). I wanted to punch him, because he didn't tell me that before - at least not the potential severity it had on me. He said I should stop taking the medication for a week to see if I get better - see there I actually WAS better, no dizziness, no nausea, no headache, I was starting to be a bit happy about my life again.
Now I started taking it again - the next day, dizzy, headache, and terrible pressure in my head. More importantly, my neck pain got worse as well, and it is incredibly tense. Two days ago I woke up with a terrible sleeping position and during the day I thought I was going to die. My vision problems got ten times worse, my headache was intense and no Ibuprofen would relieve the pain - and now I am freaking out again. I googled symptoms of brain tumors, now I check my body all the time. I am more aware of changes in vision, head pressure, taste, smell - I am now also imagining smells sometimes, or I have such sensitivity now, that I notice the slightest smells and I immediately think, OH GOD BRAIN TUMOR BECAUSE THEY CAUSE PHANTOM SMELLS. I am in constant fear, I feel hot sometimes, or my vision goes nuts and flashes crazy when I get nervous, and the headache is looming over me, feeling like a constant reminder that I should be afraid... I have an appointment with neurology in 3 weeks and each day I have to wait feels like hell - I find new reasons, or more severe symptoms and I feel like everything is getting worse because my brain is being eaten up right now. My muscles twitch often, giving me fear for seizures, I now have a feeling of sneezing but it's not happening (now worrying me that the tumor is pressing against my sneeze reflex or something), I sometimes feel like I'm not talking as fast as I used to, it is just getting worse and worse - I google too much, find cases of the worst case scenario, and am always CONVINCED that I am going to die and no one is helping me or taking me seriously. I don't know what to do anymore. Something inside of me sees the pattern of anxiety caused and started by my terrible relationship and the break up that I have not digested in any way. I still cry instantly, as soon as someone mentions something related to him or asks me about him. So I can see how my body has been under severe stress for about 5 months now, and now especially as I am in a new country and I feel lost and lonely, suffering from one disease to another, but always alone with my problem, as my loving family is not here and I can only phone with them (which makes it better sometimes) but it doesn't reduce my loneliness... I have a hard time to see the pattern, or rather to be convinced by it. The only thing that truly has power over me, is the fear of a brain tumor - and it seems like the only logical explanation at times...
I am going to end my story here for now, I wrote way too much already. I have to admit though, spelling it all out made me more aware of the pattern of my anxiety and more importantly the connectivity between events and the incredible stress both my muscles, and nervous system have been under for a long period of time. I am also happy that I remember all these small details, making me more convinced that I have not lost my intellect, or my brain power (another thing I fear - but that's a general constant fear, the feeling of losing memory or knowledge).
I was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety when I was 18 and I had a terrible depression and took anti-depressant. I got over my problems when I was 20 and I lived a happy and whole life. Now, things are bad again. I am seeing a therapist now who is also convinced of these being all symptoms of anxiety - but again, the **** does that matter - my anxiety will always come back and say NO DON'T LISTEN, YOU ARE GOING TO IGNORE A DISEASE THAT WILL KILL YOU...
**** my life, is all I can say haha
Reply With Quote
