Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

I know that I posted just a day or so ago. But I do consider this site my sounding board for the illness we all share, panic/anxiety disorder. So here it goes. Last post I discussed the feelings or symptoms that can creep up on us. Well it seems those feelings, symptoms have decided to come at me yet again. After being awakened in the middle of the night with what I would describe as mild night terrors. I worked to refocus my thoughts to what is really in front of me, not past memories or an imagined future.

But sometimes you get tired of fighting a good fight and you simply wish for a day where you are not having to focus on anything. Maybe that's what I really want, a day where I don't have to stand guard over the gate waiting for something to happen. Because that in itself can become a prison.

If anyone out there get's what I'm saying or thinks the same thing. Let me how maybe it's time for me listen and not analyze.

[fduop]

I kinda like not remembering what I posted last, it gives me an excuse to repeat myself. But over the last few days while the temperature here has gone up then down. I'm feeling pretty good with a few occasions where the old panic rears it's old head when some stress hits.

I guess the thing is that I'm not testing the waters too much. I'm staying pretty close to home simply wanting to get through with my studies of this degree. I got till mid-january to go and I'm redoubling my efforts to get through these very difficult courses.

For a few weeks recently I was really losing my desire and edge to see this through. But since the past weekend a spark of drive has really pushed me to focus on the task at hand.

Maybe that's a good place to leave this post, with being refocused. We sometimes get so overwhelmed with managing our lives and our sanity that we loss focus on what's important. To breathe freely with less stress and to be able to get along like "normal people". That's all I want to do. So be true to yourself and work to make yourself a better you, not someone else.

[fduop]

It's been a few days since my last post, the workload of my current course has really been rough. So it has taken up a great deal of my time for other things. But this morning a phone call shook the tree a little and reminded me that some things are more important than even a job or school.

The call was from my daughter who lives nearby with her boyfriend. It turns out that her "mother-in-law" passed away during the night. My daughter who I could tell was quite shaken by the news just wanted to hear a calm voice.

Don't ask me how but in times of chaos my resolve seems to turn to steel. Even living with the problems that I have, when crises happen I seem to have the ability to keep myself together. Now rather that's from my practice of pushing emotion to the side or simply a gift from God, I'm not sure. All I know is 9 times out of 10, I can keep my emotions in check during emergencies.

I'm sure that taking this sad moment and working it to be about me doesn't hold well to my sympathies about the family. But when I look at this from the context of my own struggles, it is interesting how I can keep it together now. Yet I struggle to push through simple daily task like buying milk or driving to work.

[fduop]

I must be honest and say, a lot of the time, the best teacher can be the worst student. I mentioned last time that we had a death in the family. And, as you know funerals and those situations are very stressful. So for the most part I have been avoiding the whole thing. Tonight I was suppose to attend a memorial service before the funeral tomorrow. But I didn't go. You see while I may preach going out there and pushing yourself, even I can be a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to overcoming stress.

But to be honest, while I know the right path to take, it doesn't mean I have the strength to overcome but so much. As I have said, our journey to some degree of "normal" is not a smoothly paved road. It's more like a really bumpy potholed "pig trail" that whines and twist endlessly. So if to some of you I seem to hold some key to some answer, let this remind you. We are all human and we all fail. What can help us is that we at least recognize that we fail, and work to improve ourselves. Not allowing our failures limit us too much.

[fduop]

Just as an update to the funeral, I did attend it. I guess one of the problems I run into is something a bunch of us run into, and that is, the anticipation of the event. The whole morning before the funeral which was at 1 pm, I was agonizing over going in the first place. Even as we drove to the service I was going over "what if" scenarios in my mind.

This tension usually doesn't end until I arrive at where I'm dreading to go. At that point if things are calm I relax, but even that is temporary if my mind thinks things are taking too long. So I must be honest and say the service went on and on. But the point to me is, I made it through the service. Although, I hate to make this about myself the important thing was being respectful to my son-in-laws family. Still, when dealing with anxiety issues you can't help but think to yourself, you can and must do this.

If a teaching moment can be drawn from this tragedy, I guess it could be. That no matter what you have to latch onto to get to the goal, if it gets you out into the world, make it so.

[fduop]

Well with the funeral behind me and my all day doctor appointment over, I've spent the past two days being a vegetable. I'm well aware that things need to be done and people are depending on me. Still, I just shut down for a few days.

I guess I'm mentioning these things to you to simply let everyone know, our journey to some sort of "normalcy" isn't a sprint, but a long marathon of victories and defeats. None of us are immune to failure, but one key to having more victories is not take our failures and dwell on them. Or to let them override your thought process. Just accept them as they come and move on. It may sound "oh so easy" but the truth is, "it kinda is". (Forgive my Southern vernacular.)

My point here is, while I'm dwelling in my cellar of inactivity, I know what must be done. But knowing and doing are two very different things. One of the ways I usually break my "funk" is to allow it to run it's course. Over the years I've noticed within myself my moods run in cycles, with the med's those cycles are more evened out. But I have cycles all the same. So I guess all that can be said is, do your best and don't beat yourself up.

[fduop]

Merry Christmas! everyone. To be honest I've been a bit under the weather the past few days. For awhile I thought it may have been my head or anxiety or something, but now I believe it's actually being sick.

Since my last post I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and I discussed what's been going on recently. Since my last post, while I try and not make rash decisions, I decided to pull out of my class until after the holidays. Like I said, I worried that may have not been the best idea, but honestly I've felt less stress since doing it. While on the surface it may seem counter productive to my goals. The peace of mind I gained has been nice. Also discussing this with head doc he feel's it was a good move to ease up with all that's been going on.

So as of now I'm devoting time to refocusing and bonding with family. I'm keeping the schedule as light as I can, with few family obligations. But this weekend was my wife and I's wedding anniversary. So despite all my physical and mental objections, we out on a afternoon of a movie and lunch. Which went off with my mess at bay and allowing her a nice time.

This can lead to another line of thought which I may get into later. So for now try to remember, being perfect isn't a goal. But doing what we can for ourselves and our loved one's is.

[MrAndy]

my therapist told me to stop aiming for perfection because you will always let yourself down It was great advice especially on my return to work,instead of going flat out and giving 110% i gave 60-80% which was enough
merry christmas fduop

[fduop]

[fduop]

I recently had a conversation with my therapist and part of that conversation has been troubling me. I come to find out my therapist and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Along with that we share very little as far as our belief systems go. I guess the question I am putting out here is, can this have an impact on my treatment? I guess the thing is maybe I'm looking for her to be more active in my treatment. When in reality she is no more than a sounding board for me to talk to? It's just something I've been wondering about since my last appointment. My visits with the psychiatrist are usually pretty productive when working with my meds. I guess I'll try and work harder with the therapist to build a more productive relationship. Still thinking about where her belief system is it gives me pause.