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Thread: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

  1. #1
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    Dec 2012
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    Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    I had no idea where to post this, and I wasn't sure if to but I'd like some support as I'm really beating myself up.



    I've always had a fear of knives, my brother used to self harm and hide knives under his bed, it used to frighten me alot. S I've never liked sharp knives, scissors and I've always panicked what if.....because of the way he is.


    Since the anxiety hit after my brother attacked me in September I don't like washing sharp knives or using scissors. This feeling has become worse and Thursday when drying a sharp knife I suddenly felt very anxious and thought what if I hurt me or my children if I got really ill. I've since felt sick and worried sick why I had that thought:(((( worried I'm like my brother:(( or will I be like some women who have depression that end up so bad they hurt themselves or take lives. I'm dwelling on it and panicking myself.


    It's not me at all why would I have that fear:(((( I spoke to hubby and my best friend and they both said what ifs are normal as its normal to worry depression and anxiety can become severe. Also local murder has upset me, body parts found very local to where I live has freaked me out. He cut her up and they still can't find her head:((( He's been arrested but still its frightening.


    I have been suffering health anxiety, social and agoraphobia since my brother attacked me, but I've been on Dosulepin 3 weeks and its eloped me alot. I felt like me again almost and was getting out again but this has set me back, and I've felt sick, knot in my stomach and worrying I'm some kind of monster, scared I've not just got anxiety and that what if, what if, what if .....constant what if I did that. I've 3 children, they're my world, i adore them, that's why I'm beating myself up. Deep down I think is it the medication changing me? Or is it that I'm getting so ill that I will lose control? All what ifs and I'm dwelling on it so much. I feel so anxious and upset, I keep crying. Is horrible because I was so much better anxiety wise.


    Do I sound mad?:( My anxiety is so much better, I managed aldi today all way with a trolley ok kids with me but they egged me on) I felt great all week until Thursday night, I've not slept and I feel sick with anxiety of how I felt and I keep dwelling on it. Can anyone relate and help me to stop worrying:( I hope I won't be flamed for posting this.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
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    379

    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    Hi hun

    Sorry that you are not feeling too good:(

    These thoughts are normal intrusive thoughts that come with anxiety, I have had the same thoughts as I am sure a lot of members on here have. Remember they are only thoughts they can't hurt you. Have a look at CBT4 panic on here it has a whole section on these thoughts and how to deal with them it's really good.

    I think you need to talk to someone about your recent ordeal with your brother. Let me know how you are.

    Hugs

    Jackie xx

  3. #3
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    Dec 2012
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    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    Thank you Jackie.

    It doesn't mean I'm that kind of person? I'm so anxious ever since, constantly cuddling my children with anxiety rushing through me. My husband said that proves I've not got urges (which I was worried that thought was).

    I will look for the cbt page, I've had cbt in the past one to one for health anxiety.

    I'm just frightening myself and feeling sick and anxious. I was totally fine until that split second thought on Thursday. Now I can't shake it off and I'm questioning myself and feel constant anxiety:((

    Thank you for replying x

  4. #4
    Join Date
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    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    pearl ive had this before a few times - quite bad almost scared to even admit this incase people think ive lost it and i really will hurt someone. these are intrusive thoughts and because weve got huge conscience and over think things, this and these hurrendous thoughts can manefest and then we become panic stricken with worry and in discust of thinking such hurrendous things. The news and media i have to avoid i hate anything bad or negative, when im feeling like this. It will pass X

  5. #5
    Join Date
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    379

    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    Hun it will go. It is a very common intrusive thought, but you can help it go quicker. When I get thoughts I don't block them out I just accept them for what they are and don't dwell on them as this gives the thoughts more fuel they just love it. These thoughts don't deserve the attention that you are giving them.

    You sound like a great Mum hun, try and relax.

    Hugs
    Jackie x

  6. #6
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    Dec 2012
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    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    Thank you both. You've helped alot.

    I asked my hubby to remove the knife block from the house, not because I don't trust myself but it freaked me out just seeing it after that thought I've had. Wrong thing to do?:/

    I adore my children, they're my world. They are 10, 8 and 7, I love them so much, they're why I carry on. I just feel sick to think I thought that and have felt panic stricken since about why I've thought that. Felt like such a bad person and yes it's very hard to talk to anyone. My stomachs been flipping with anxiety ever since. I really hope the anxiety about that thought goes soon, I'm beating myself up so much and I wish I could just stop worrying about the thought I had:( xx

    ---------- Post added at 22:33 ---------- Previous post was at 22:26 ----------

    It's the guilt of even having that thought I can't shake off:((((

    I've not got a nasty bone in my body, violence terrifies me. That's why I can't understand this:/ today my children were play fighting but my daughter took it a tad too far and hurt her brother, I didn't get angry/upset.... I just dealt with the situation like that as I always do, just calmly and told her to apologise. My hubby said I've not changed I'm still me, I'm calm, never shout or get angry so that proves that I get the intrusive fear with knives as they just scare me due to my brother, media etc..... But to me its still very scary that I thought what if and I've doubted myself ever since. It's the worst thing I've ever felt:(((( I've been so worried I've suddenly got severe depression or something and I've changed. I'm only on meds for severe anxiety and panic attacks which made me agoraphobic since my brother attacked me. It's unnerved me I've had that thought:((

  7. #7

    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    Dear Pearl,

    What a terrible ordeal you have been through and well done for being brave and posting it. I had a horrible ordeal happen to me in 2004, then again in 2006 ( a bad run of luck!!!!) I ended up feeling anxious all the time, also somewhat agrophobic. Not depression though. In the first instance it was a horrible car crash on the motorway. The consequence I became scared of driving on motorways. Kind of logical! That stated I was very lucky in going to see a fantastic therapist and I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This can happen to the best of us and anyone who has been through a traumatic event. I'm not saying you might have this. I'm not qualified and don't know enough about you or the condition but you may want to do some research on PTSD. It can happen to people who have been mugged, raped, been in a car crash... it doesn't just happen to soldiers. Anyone who has lived through a traumatic event can get it. The good news is that it is treatable. 100%

    J

  8. #8
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    Dec 2012
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    895

    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    Thanks J.

    Yes my gp says I've PTSD which had caused anxiety and agoraphobia. I was struggling to even leave my home and with 3 children to look after that's not easy.

    My full story is on I think the general anxiety forum or panic attacks I think. I think what I've been through as a child, my brother attacking me in September and I lost my nan last July... It's been a very difficult time.

    I've been referred to a therapist, I'm hoping to chat to her Monday. X

  9. #9

    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    You should have a look at EMDR. There is CBT for PTSD but it didn't work for me. EMDR is meant to be the best option and I'm seeing an excellent guy. Check out:

    http://www.braynework.com/

    He's a lovely man to boot. You have my full sympathy as a fellow sufferer! Two bouts of PTSD and the last bout in 2006 nearly finished me off. But I think I'm back on track. I teach in Higher Education so having agrophobia was tough. I was scared about teaching a bunch of 19 year olds!

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
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    363

    Re: Horrible thought worrying me:(((

    I don't know what it is about knives but they're a very common intrusive thought. I've had it so I know how truly horrible it is.
    I've beaten it now by using exposure. It's not easy but it did work and now I can handle/look at knives without a single anxious thought.
    By exposure, I mean just ignore the thoughts when they come, no matter how difficult this is. Don't hide the knives but carry on and treat it for what it is.. just a horrible silly thought.
    Don't be frightened to discuss this with your therapist as I'm sure they've heard it a hundred times before. You're not going mad or bad, just suffering a common symprom of anxiety.
    __________________
    You can't beat anxiety by fighting it.. only by ignoring it

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