bad intrusive thoughts help??

[lanterns]

uhm hi, this is text heavy, so i apologize in advance

im 16 years old, my name is jeremy (i am a transboy so please keep that in mind when reading the second part)
i've been in therapy once, but had to stop when my stepdad lost his job
i dont have a good memory of my childhood, and have always had extremely abusive parents
my mom is a nice lady, but she is/was addicted to meth and was having an affair which caused her to neglect her children (i raised all 3 of my siblings since i was about 8 years old), the man she married, by stepdad is the most abusive person i've ever met
over the past 7 years, i have a lot of memory gaps where pieces of time have just completely been blocked out
just recently, i've been getting intrusive thoughts and even daydreams about geting raped by people that i love and trust while they film it and laugh at me
or like by weird men (including my stepdad, who as far as i know has never sexually abused me) who threaten to kill my sisters and my mom if i dont do what they want
every time this happens i feel so dirty and so sick even though i know they're just intrusive stuff

is this normal? do you think i should try and talk to a therapist about it?? i'm really worried im going to hurt myself or something on accident when i have a panic attack

again so sorry for this being so text heavy,,

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Jeremy,

I think you do need to mention this to you therapist but not because it's anything bad or indicates something worse in your mental health but because they can then help you with them.

Given your age and that you are going through all the additional pressures that being trans can bring I wonder whether this manifests due to being under a load of pressure or having to navigate confusion, fear of condemnation, etc? In OCD feeling under stress can make obsessive-compulsive behaviour intensify and with intrusive thoughts it's something that is very common. This is why it can be helpful to work on why you are under pressure to see if it eases off the thoughts and given your age and being trans I can appreciate you are under more pressure than many of your peers.

I think you deserve a lot of respect for bring your younger siblings up and they will thank you for that. Please try to remember that you are a good person, someone who steps up to take things on because they know it's the right thing to do.

With this in mind, consider your theme. Harm. Themes like these often haunt people who are the total opposite e.g. I had many thoughts about harming my loved ones or harming stranger that would cause me to be imprisoned hence shaming my family yet I'm not someone who gets into trouble or even fights. A good website explaining this is by Steve Seay, a US psychologist, who states he sees this in his patients. But then intrusive thoughts are ego dystonic by nature, they seek out your Achilles Heel because their aim is to shock you into a big enough reaction to reinforce them.

Now you can see that when you react with shame or disgust you end up feeding the thought. Have a look at this metaphor:

https://psychologytools.com/intrusiv...-metaphor.html

Whilst it may seem odd, and you may worry you are agreeing the thoughts are right at first, learning not to feed them through negative reactions is important. As are eliminating compulsions as these are reinforcers of obsessions. The more you come out of these themes the more you stop caring about them but that means you just accept weird thoughts are simply that, nothing more, nothing about who you are. Who you are is the reason you react with the shame or disgust, your deeper morals know the content is wrong to you.

It's not strange to me that these thoughts threaten your family, those you have such strong morals towards as you brought them up. This is the Achilles Heel element. And you likely have some Magical Thinking going on in here by giving into these thoughts just in case they could come true, which is clearly an impossibility.