I Miss my Dad :(

[aprilmoon]

That sounds like a really good idea,Carnation,and I'm sure you would get benefit from it.
I think you're an only child like I was? Its difficult not having siblings to have shared your past experiences, but there again,not all siblings are close.
I don't know if we ever really" get over" losing our parents,or simply get used to dealing with it.Its several years since I lost my Mum,and even more my Dad,but it still hurts sometimes,maybe a piece of music,or someone who looks like them from behind,can awaken memories, and cause me to fill up.
But it does get easier, there's no doubt about that,and it will for you too.
I heard it said once that grief works through us,as opposed to us working through it,and I think that's true,you can't put a time frame on it.
Just be kind to yourself and accept that whatever you feel is valid.

[Carnation]

Great to hear from you Aprilmoon.
It is difficult when being an only child.
And I know time will heal, but for some strange reason, I am struggling more now, than at the beginning. Also, my Mother has gone in to a deep Depression and made herself housebound, so I feel like I have lost both Parents in a way.
I was hoping that after my Dad's passing that we would be much closer, but we could not be further apart. She can only see her suffering and loneliness and we have such a cold relationship now. I feel responsible and helpless at the same time and the safety net of my Parents being there for me has now gone.
I like what you said about grief working through us, as opposed to us working through it. I understand it being a process and maybe I stored it away until I was ready to deal with it; which is probably now.
Sorry to hear about your Parents too. Hope you are well. x

[Tessar]

Hey carnation, how r u today? I feel u r right, it may well be u r ready to deal with things. Can take time but it does help. in my case it has helped. Not easy but it felt to me like so much pressure has been lifted. Hugs.

[Carnation]

Hi Tessar.

Sorry for the delay in replying, but my Anxiety symptoms having been so high I decided to stay away for a while.

Yes, I still suffering with the thoughts of my Dad, but I am arranging some Counselling to hopefully deal with this. Because of the History involved here, the feelings run deep, as you know from my previous posts. You know how it is?

'Pressure', yes a lot of pressure, feels like my head is about to explode.

Hope you are doing ok, especially now we have this beautiful sunshine.

[Davit]

My Dad passed 30 years ago and I still miss him. I missed the chance to tell him how much I wished I could have been a better son. My Dad retired early and I moved him to live with us but his Alzheimer's advanced very rapid. The thing that bothered me the most was that I was helpless to do anything but watch. After he died I spent a year on Imipramine. He still shows up in dreams. My mother who didn't want me because I wasn't a girl, I don't ever think of.

[Carnation]

Davit, that is sad to think that way. A Son, is a Son and he would have been proud of you know matter what.
My Dad got Parkinson's Disease and I was in a similar position to you. I felt helpless as I watched him struggle with day-to-day life and feel so guilty that I didn't do more to help him. And, like you, he shows up in my dreams and even if I just shut my eyes sometimes.
I also have an 'Unwanted' feeling of emotions, as my parents didn't want children at all and I felt like an inconvenience for most of my childhood.
I blame my Mother for a lot in my Life, that is too deep and delicate to even mention and I now have to look after her as she has made herself practically housebound.

It's not an easy situation, is it. If only we could empty our heads and start again.

[MyNameIsTerry]

Hi Carnation,

I’m ok, when you asked this I had been having a few days where my laptop was struggling with the internet and the connection was dropping a lot so I could barely get on here. Since then I’ve been posting mostly in one block.

I’m ok. I had my usual blip cycle last week and it has returned to how it was before which is encouraging. I guess I have to monitor it for now but it shows I’m not going backwards at least.

I was looking at some Mindfulness books recently and by chance came across a publisher that has titles more related to practice in a specific activity.

I thought you might be interested in a couple of them:

Mindful gardening - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Art-Mindful-...indfulness+art

Mindful connecting with nature - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-.../ref=pd_cp_b_1

I’m glad you are doing better and I hope you have a nice holiday! I’m also glad that you are happy to be going on holiday as they can make us feel the opposite way.

[Carnation]

Thanks Terry, I might just invest in those.

Glad you are ok.

[swgrl09]

Terry, you always have such great resources to offer!

Carnation, hope you are hanging in there. Parkinsons sounds like an awful experience, not just for the person but for the family/loved ones as well. Grief is really complicated, especially when your relationship was not necessarily what you wanted it to be. With time you will work through some of these emotions. Be patient with yourself

[MyNameIsTerry]

Thanks swgrl09, too much internet time I guess!

Carnation, there was an old bloke a few doors down from us that had Parkinsons. He died late last year. I remember seeing him not long before as he beckoned me in to help him and he had barely any speech and was so frail. I've know him most of my life as a neighbour to say hello to and it did make me think for a bit.

I used to speak to his son & daughter when they came up and she used to be there throughout the day caring for him as she ran a business from home. She said it was very difficult & demanding.