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Thread: Depression, anxiety...

  1. #1
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    Depression, anxiety...

    Hi,

    I do not really know where to start here. I do not even know if I am in the right forum... (I apologise if I am in the wrong forum)

    I am a 28 year old female from a small town. I live with my mother, who is absolutely wonderful - I am so lucky to have such a wonderful mother and grandmother (I have a great family).

    I had 'problems' growing up - I didn't have such a great time at school (it was horrible) and it was all a horrible mess. I think I've blocked out a lot of school unhappiness. (I did see a boy - now man - in the local newspaper a few weeks ago. He, along with his friends, used to ridicule me at school, and I must confess that I didn't feel like the nicest person ever as I saw his photo. So much for moving on, eh... *sigh* )

    I also had quite a 'difficult' relationship with my stepfather. (I blame myself quite a lot for his later break-up with my mum)

    Basically, the last few years of my life have been dominated by thoughts. The most horrible, appalling thoughts. (I would never ever in a million squillion gazillion etc etc etc ETC years EVER act on these thoughts! The most upsetting thoughts, horrible... ) It really started in 2002. I was so scared. Four years down the line, several treatments later (hypnotherapy, reiki, antidepressants, herbal remedies, psychologists, psychiatrists, self-help books, counsellors) - I am still scared. I think I feel worse around this time of year.

    I have just come off the antidepressant Citalopram. I had been taking it for a couple of years, I believe (I can't remember the exact time! I did come off it gradually). I am now trying things like camomile tea, and trying not to drink Diet Coke so much (a big favourite drink of mine... I have vowed to give it up completely next year!). I was still having the thoughts with Citalopram. Absolutely (unfortunately).

    I worry about these thoughts, I worry about writing (in case 'rogue' words come out), I worry about everything. I get upset about so many things.

    I really want to 'take control' of my life. I was recently offered a job (I think possibly my first successful job interview ever) but I haven't heard back from these people, and it's been a few weeks. I would love to travel, have a relationship (aah... ), really do some more things with my life. I hate feeling like this - I feel so scared. My mental health absolutely terrifies me (I am getting emotional again... ).

    I have told a doctor about these thoughts, and a psychologist (or was she a psychiatrist... Oh gosh, my MEMORY... ). My doctor (lovely lady) told me that my symptoms are apparently not uncommon. My psychologist/atrist (also a lovely lady, a young lady! She was 24) also told me that this is not uncommon. I stoppped seeing her earlier this year (April/May). (We had gone as far as we could, but she was great)

    I really do not have anyone to talk to - I keep a journal and have done so for many years now. (I can't imagine where on earth I would be if I didn't have that book) I have put my family through enough, and no way could I ever tell them about this. I would really like to do something for 'them' one day.

    I can 'get on' with life as in go shopping, go to the gym, talk to people, but these thoughts do get in the way of my life and make me very frustrated and unhappy.

    I do not know what to do now. I have been told that these thoughts may not go away but it's a case of 'controlling' them.

    I get scared and lonely. I really want to take control of my life but I just don't know where to go, what to do...

    And I know how lucky I am when I think of other people. I really do.

    I seem to have typed a lot...
    Many thanks to anyone who has read this and lots of love (it has really helped me to write this down)



  2. #2
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    Hi..
    I can relate to a lot of what you said.

    My schooling was horrendous. I was bullied for many years mentally and physically which i am sure (and i know you're not meant to blame the past and you're supposed to "Move on*) but its made me who i am today, that and a couple of other things.

    I do not get on with my step-father either. Can't be bothered to go right into it though.

    RIGHT NOW i am battling with horrible thoughts and feelings and i can't seem to shake them. I hate days like this.

    If you ever want to chat, please PM me
    SarahC

  3. #3
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    My time at school was rubbish too. Stepfather was an arse. Ironically I have a job getting on with my step daughter now. I see the look of hate in the eyes that I used to reserve for mine. ho hum

  4. #4
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    Thanks for the replies.

    I'm so sorry to read about your tough time, Sarah. *hugs* I hope you are feeling okay today. I'd really like to chat with you too. Take care of yourself...

    My stepdad - he was, and is, a nice guy. My brother is in touch with him and he tells me that he is well. (The relationship between my Mum and stepdad has been acrimonious, and I do blame myself for quite a lot of what happened) I didn't always approve of the way my stepdad acted (but then, he certainly didn't always approve of the way I acted!). Again, I think I have blocked a lot of it out. And I don't seem to have the words I want to use (aargh... ). (I am often like this! But when I start, it's hard to shut me up... *sigh* )

    Lots of love
    xxx


  5. #5
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    SodaGirl,

    Welcome! I hope you find these forums as helpful as I do. There are lots of experienced people offering sage advice and I'm sure you'll find these pages beneficial.

    I find it easier to 'offload' in type than to verbalise my emotions and have found my experiences on Citalopram (40mg a day) to be shared by many others. We're not alone!

    Happiness and light to all,
    'Chopper'

    I saw her once, one little while, and then no more:
    ’Twas Eden’s light on Earth a while, and then no more.
    Amid the throng she passed along the meadow-floor:
    Spring seemed to smile on Earth awhile, and then no more;
    But whence she came, which way she went, what garb she wore
    I noted not; I gazed a while, and then no more!

    James Clarence Mangan 1803 - 1849

  6. #6
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    <b id="quote">quote:</b id="quote"><table border="0" id="quote"><tr id="quote"><td class="quote" id="quote">Basically, the last few years of my life have been dominated by thoughts. The most horrible, appalling thoughts. (I would never ever in a million squillion gazillion etc etc etc ETC years EVER act on these thoughts! The most upsetting thoughts, horrible... ) It really started in 2002. I was so scared. Four years down the line, several treatments later (hypnotherapy, reiki, antidepressants, herbal remedies, psychologists, psychiatrists, self-help books, counsellors) - I am still scared. I think I feel worse around this time of year.
    <div align="right">Originally posted by Soda Girl - 11 December 2006 : 18:11:54</div id="right">
    </td id="quote"></tr id="quote"></table id="quote">

    OK - I have OCD and I'm no psychologist so this could be different, however the fact that you say you are plagued by 'appalling, horrible' thoughts is something I can strongly relate to.
    Has anyone ever told you to step back from those thoughts, quit writing them down and indeed quit doing anything about them? You can't CONTROL what thoughts you have, but you can control your reaction to them is what I mean.
    My CB therapist told me not to give any time to these thoughts, writing them down made me worse - she told me to see them as a ripple in a pond of 100's of thoughts. Cars zooming past. It sounds easy, it isn't, but it its the only method that has gotten me through.
    Read this, it might help (it helped me!):

    When these obsessive thoughts occur, the content of the obsession is irrelevant. It is meaningless, it is purposeless. Your obsessions represent an anxiety problem. The topic of your anxiety is not the issue, even though you believe it is.
    It is not an easy task to accomplish when you are dreading that you might pass on deadly germs, kill someone you love or cause a terrible accident. Nonetheless, I am asking you to step away from those thoughts, to get a perspective on them and say "Wait a minute; I have an anxiety disorder, what is an anxiety disorder all about? It's about ANXIETY, not about this thought content".
    Try NOT to get into a battle of logic in your head. If you try to CONVINCE yourself of how illogical your worries are, you will become very frustrated. You will have a hard time being certain about anything, you'll always find a thread of doubt you can follow. So don’t get caught in the trap of logic. Instead, keep stepping back mentally and saying "I need to address my anxiety, not this specific topic".
    Your OCD is going to encourage you to do the opposite; it’s going to push you to think this is all about whether you made the right decision, that this thought needs to be given attention. You'll work hard to get the right reassurance - and it’s totally the WRONG thing to be doing - you are falling right into the clutches of OCD. It's a very important challenge; address your symptoms of anxiety - NOT your fearful thoughts. Don’t be fooled!

    Nel xxx

    ___________________________________________
    "At the end of a storm, there's a golden sky..."

  7. #7
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    Hi Soda,

    I can relate to so much of what you say too. I had a horrible time growing up and blocked out so much of it, even though nothing really bad happened during my childhood, I was just miserable and very unsure of myself.

    I know what you mean by horrible thoughts, that is the depression. Your imagination is dreaming up the worst things it can think of and you are obsessing about them. When I was a kid I thought that my grandad was going to abuse me- he never did and he never would, I had this feeling for a long time that I deserved to be stabbed or beaten up in a night club and I've had urges to drive my car into oncoming lorries.

    Basically, you are always thinking the worst and because your body is at such a hightened state of arousal because of anxiety it is reacting automatically to these thoughts and causing the fight or flight repsonse to kick in...shallow breathing, sweaty palms, light headedness...

    It is very common to lose track of time. Your brain chemistry is all over the place. I've been ill for about 4 years too. I was especially bad to begin with, but I was somehow still able to drive 200 miles to London..it really confuses me how I was able to do that because I know that I have been ill for a solid 4 years and that for much of it I haven't felt able to leave my small town.

    As far as relationships, jobs etc go, I can totally relate there too. Getting married, having a family and having my own place seem impossible to me right now (I'm 30). The responsibility seems so daunting. But, they are things that I do want to do and that i don't want to avoid because of fear. You should chase up your job offer.

    Frustration is a key thing. Boredom and frustration play a major part in depression. I personally believe that my depression is caused by my anxiety. I know that I have a low fear threshold. I have generalised anxiety disorder and so many things make me feel anxious and scared. I have travelled a little bit, but long haul travel seems totally beyond me...which I find very frustrating and depressing.

    As far as I'm concerned stress has a huge bearing on anxiety. When i had my break down I was living in London, working in a sales job where I would be out of the flat for up to 14 hours a day, but as I was travelling and I generated my own income through commission, very often i actually lost money. Every month I fell short with my rent money and I worried that I would get myself and my flatmate evicted. I owed friends and family hundreds of pounds. I was doing drugs. I had a very messed up rtelationship with an older woman, where she cheated on me alot. I had major self-esteem issues and I ended up alienating my friends. I was under an enormous amount of stress and eventually I snapped.

    Imagine that stress is like a speedometer in a car. The more stress that you have, the more to the right that the needle goes...80mph, 90mph, 100mph until it goes into the red, the danger zone. If we constantly suffer from severe stress, then we will constantly be in or around the danger zone. There is a well known quote that goes "an anxious mind cannot exist in a relaxed body". The secret really is to relax as much as possible, whether that's with exercise, hypnotherapy, reiki...whatever. try to get yourself within the 'speed limit'.

    As far as depression goes, I try to think of it as your mind causing you to go into 'hibernation' to conserve energy and repair yourself against what may seem like a 'hard winter'. You'll feel listless and have no energy or interest in stuff. The way to beat this is to do things. The more that you do, especialyy if you don't feel like it, the more you can kickstart your metabolism and get it worked at a much higher rate. therefore energising and enthusing you.

    Hope I made sense. You actually sound really positive and pleasant. I'm sure that you'll be fine.

    Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.

  8. #8
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    Hi,

    Thank you all for the messages - you are all so lovely and supportive... I hope that everyone's Christmas went okay. (Now, I have to stop eating Pringles, chocolate, etc, ETC... *blush* )

    I do not really know how to word this reply (again. I never know when to use the right words, how to use them... ). I send my very best wishes to everyone.

    I haven't been 'so' bad recently. I do like this time of year (I love Christmas) though I'm not always sure Christmas is that great for me mentally...

    I am about to start a new job next month (and hopefully also a confidence building course) so I'm getting a little worried about that... (I am drinking St. John's Wort tea - I have been drinking this quite a lot recently!) I haven't always had the best experiences when it comes to work (but then, without wanting to sound too negative, I know I'm not alone here) but whatever happens, I tell myself that I will learn from it. (I hope that didn't sound 'arrogant' at all there. Aargh... )

    I don't think I've really thought of myself as having an anxiety disorder before. I don't know - I have seen the doctor, seen the mental health people, scribbled away in my journal (and more often than not I write about what is on TV or whatever - and I can watch some awful TV! I don't know if that is helping me... ). I took my medication (Citalopram) without really querying things too much (I have been on different medication previously - Efexor... ). It's only fairly recently that I decided to come off the tablets (and I did it gradually, as recommended). I know I have to help myself (I should have finished that self-help book!) (and this, that, etc!). I get so 'unsettled' sometimes, and it's all such a mess, and I don't know what to do...

    Thanks again for the posts and help. It has really meant a lot to me. This forum has such lovely caring people.
    Love and best wishes and best wishes for 2007 too,
    xxxx


  9. #9
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    Hi Everyone,

    I'm a 36 year old male. This is my first post so I may ramble or not make sense ! I've discovered in the 4 years since my dad died (the trigger I call it), that what we've all probably read on the NHS & most mental health websites, is true. The best form of treating these symptoms of panic, anxiety & OCD is by writing things down, talking to other people & occupying your time. I've read on an earlier reply that they'd been suffering for 4 years and wondered how they'd managed it. Well, we do; somehow. Hopefully, we stumble upon something that makes us all feel a little better.

    4 years ago, I was a mess. I was shaking like a leaf, I couldn't speak, I suffered drastic weight loss & all this on being diabetic as well (those who suffer from diabetes & anxiety will tell you that the symptoms of an hypo & an anxiety attack are in the beginning, very similar, so I was also confused when my blood sugars were registering normal & not low). I was having bad palpatations that ending up requiring my wife to call the paramedics & I ended up being prescribed beta-blockers & diazepam without actually being told what they were for.

    This was the first of it that my wife knew. I didn't tell her or anyone what I was going through. I felt ashamed & weak for some reason. I went back to the doctors & told him the symptoms & also the fact that I couldn't cope with the loss of my dad. He prescribed me paroxetine and finished the beta-blockers and still didn't tell me what the problem was. I continued suffering full on panic attacks until the paroxetine kicked in.

    I did this for two years & then realised I couldn't remember a significant event in that time. I was a zombie (literally), and being a typical male, I wasn't happy at the lack of sexual appetite either. So, I got rid. Stopped them just like that & suffered for a little while but got through. I'm now on 2mg of diazepam a day (I know, I should stop), and I'm a little on edge sometimes, but that's it (I'm also painfully aware that you don't drink alcohol & take these tablets !).

    Now, the final part. I know, that to be anxiety free, is in my hands. I could see a therapist and discover the cause of my symptoms (after all, we're only dealing with & treating the symptoms aren't we ?). But this is the part that scares me. I know what my problem is. I am scared of my own mortality. I've got other issues; I'm diabetic, infertile, hate my job and lacking severely in self-esteem, but those things I can deal with & have done for half of my life, but how do I confront my own mortality & live happily ever after ?

    Sorry to unload all this crap on you, but believe it or not, I am better than I was & I really do hope that all of you have got better as time as gone on. Now, anybody have any ideas how to quit the diazepam ???????

  10. #10
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    I forgot to add, WIFTS, that was great advice AND a great metaphor at the end too. I liked that. Oh and Soda Girl, the fact that you're so aware of your problem(s) means you've got a great chance of beating it. Good luck everyone, and thank you all for being here.

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