Doing it By the Spoonful

[fduop]

Good morning. For the past few days my wife and I have been on a short vacation on the coast. For years we would head there for little 2 and 3 day holidays, but this is the first in a number of years. As we all know panic usually leads agoraphobia, so travel outside my comfort zone is never easy. I must say though I kinda impressed myself during this trip with just a anxious little hiccup at the end driving home.

I guess more than anything it felt good just to feel a bit normal. I mean for the most part we were surrounded by other people that were relaxing too. It was nice to strike up conversations with total strangers and discuss anything but the things that stress us. My wife who does not suffer from stress issues like me, really enjoyed getting out around people and not having to sit here and baby sit me.

Although I have no problem expressing myself through this computer, traveling and just getting out is something I can only do in short stints. But during our stay I was able to create quite places for me to go when I found myself getting anxious. I suppose the moral to this tale is it's nice to feel "normal" again, if even for a while. For so many of us we suffer in silence as we struggle to do what we do. But I've been calling this thing, "Doing it by the Spoonful" for a reason. It is my wish the these words can encourage you as they do me.

[fduop]

Good morning. I don't know about across the pond, but here in the Southern US it's full-on Springtime. Every morning my truck is covered in pollen from the blooming trees. So today I crying tears of allergic pain, asking myself "spring why do you torture so."

As you may can tell I'm still riding on my little vacation high. My body is suffering, but my mind and heart are reflective and doing well. I have noticed I have been getting a bit lazy with my writing. Usually I put together a few pieces a day like a little assembly line. But since coming back from the coast, my work has been less productive.

I think it's more due the focusing more on my photography since the trip and the fact that there's more color to shoot. The nice thing despite my wonderful allergies I have been venturing at more, which is never a bad thing. It's nice to be able to pursue my passions of writing and nature photography instead of having to sit in a cube and push paper all day. It doesn't pay as well, but the satisfaction level is off the chart.

I think I'll end our conversation with this thought. Not every day for us that suffer from panic or allergies for that matter, end up like we want. But if you do learn to focus and appreciate the good days, the bad ones seem less intense. Live in the moment and not in the "what if's".

[fduop]

Good morning. Checking in to see how everyone's doing. As for myself we went over to the grandbaby's last night. She was in a better mood than she was our last visit. I wish I could have been more jovial, but as soon as our daughter walked in she started telling me about her bad day at work. Those sort of conversations work up a parent and I suppose that had a little to do with my not so gitty mood. But my wife was there to save the day, because she was wholly focused on playing with her grandchild.

It's funny how people around you can affect your mindset and attitude. We all had problems enough without a supervisor giving you that "are you a team player" speech. I often wonder if managers and supervisors actually listen to themselves. Most of us are pretty perceptive and we can basically smell a fart when it blows our way. But that's how the world is, looking out for number one.

For us with anxiety and panic issues our radar for criticism is a bit more sensitive than most. I suppose the point I'm making here is this, be aware that you are not the only flawed person in the room. Take every critique with a grain of salt. We have enough problems to deal with without piling on more. All I will say is do the best you can and do your best to have an open dialog with those around you. Hopefully something you say will soak into their heads and a clearer understanding will be established.

[fduop]

Good morning. This past weekend my wife and I visited some old friends back in our hometown. The visit was a hurried one, but we did get to spend a little quality time catching up and enjoying each others company.

I suppose I bring this up to say, the things we deal with here (panic, anxiety) can rob us of so much life. We tend to forget that there is a world out there that at some point we enjoyed being in. For so many years I wasn't that I ignored my friends, it was simply the shame and fear of panic and anxiety that kept me away.

All I want to say is don't let our shared condition rob you of your life. For far too long I allowed my situation rob me of years of friendship and love. Don't let that happen to you.

[fduop]

Good morning. I don't think I've mentioned this but I did see my new therapist Friday. It was basically a meet and greet and allow him to set up a tune-up to keep me on track. I've been known to go through long periods of feeling pretty good. Then drag through a few days or weeks of burying my head under the covers. So my hope here is to smooth out the rough patches.

The other funny thing is I have no medical insurance, I don't qualify for the current ACA. And the upcoming TrumpCare is only going to be more restrictive and far less. But I go to a clinic that only changes $25 per visit, which I can manage. I was attending a free clinic provided by my state, but the budget was cut back so that the waiting list is now years. Only in America, right? Land of the free, home of the gun, domestic violence capital of the world. God Bless Stupid.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good working to repair some old relationships that need fixing. And today's warm and sunny, think I'll take a walk in the park, before the state shuts it down.

[fduop]

Good morning. After a few days of being busy and feeling like crap (sinuses) hopefully I'm back among the living. I suppose the biggest thing going on recently is my stepping out and getting in touch with the real world again. As some of you may know I poke my nose out every now and then, and chat up with others on social media. Also have been getting reacquainted with some friends I long abandoned.

Despite my love of telling a story, the forces of my panic and anxiety are still strong. And when my anxiety feels I'm crossing a line, well I don't need to tell any of you. A few nights ago I had a major panic attack. Bad enough that I considered calling an ambulance. But after an hour of breathing, it finally calmed down enough to go back to bed. Needless to say it wiped me out for most of the following day.

But I'm feeling somewhat better, last night I put down the phone and social media and went to bed early. At the moment my sinuses ain't doing me any favors, but the anxiety of the truths that come out between a dear friend and I have sunk in. When panic strikes have a contingency plan in place. For me it shutting down all outside stimulation and focusing on the breathe. We never know when panic or anxiety are going to hit. But when it does accept it then let go.

[fduop]

Good morning. I didn't realize till just now I haven't been on the forum since last Sunday. Well a few things have happened since then. First off Monday I was feeling light-headed and dizzy, as I had the whole weekend. So I got a late appointment with my doctor, thinking my sinuses were acting up. Well needless to say I ended up being sent to the emergency room because an EKG the doctor's office run looked "off".

My adventure at the hospital continued until Wednesday going through a battery of test, like I got money. I figured at some point these guys would catch on that I have no money and no insurance. (God Bless American Healthcare, Right?) Anywho they released me Wednesday afternoon with the test results looking like it was all stress related, duh.

Other than that I'm on restriction, which meant no driving for a while (that to is funny considering my agoraphobic tendencies), anyway I home resting and feeling okay. This whole thing began with a number of panic situations that have occurred over the past few weeks. I'm pretty sure it all began while mending fences with some old friends I basically abandoned when this whole panic journey began. I learned some hard truths about the lives that I had "dropped" and I believe the information sorta hit me like a brick. But since then I've had time to soak-in that information. While the processing goes on about that situation, I'm getting more comfortable with that truth and how I deal with that information.

So don't worry too hard about me, I am alive and kicking. Later as I process this information I'll feel more comfortable discussing it. Just realize what's done is done and all you can do is ask forgiveness and move on. The overwhelming theme is, don't let mistakes rule your moment. Do your best to ask forgiveness and carry on.

[snowghost57]

fduop, I think it's great that you are working through your anxiety. I just got off a trial of Zoloft and I want to use what I have learned to control my anxiety. I need to really start concentrating on looking for a job and I suffer from anxiety really bad before an interview. You are so right about staying focused in the moment and keep the "what if" questions out of your head!

---------- Post added at 10:25 ---------- Previous post was at 10:19 ----------

Good morning. I didn't realize till just now I haven't been on the forum since last Sunday. Well a few things have happened since then. First off Monday I was feeling light-headed and dizzy, as I had the whole weekend. So I got a late appointment with my doctor, thinking my sinuses were acting up. Well needless to say I ended up being sent to the emergency room because an EKG the doctor's office run looked "off".

My adventure at the hospital continued until Wednesday going through a battery of test, like I got money. I figured at some point these guys would catch on that I have no money and no insurance. (God Bless American Healthcare, Right?) Anywho they released me Wednesday afternoon with the test results looking like it was all stress related, duh.

Other than that I'm on restriction, which meant no driving for a while (that to is funny considering my agoraphobic tendencies), anyway I home resting and feeling okay. This whole thing began with a number of panic situations that have occurred over the past few weeks. I'm pretty sure it all began while mending fences with some old friends I basically abandoned when this whole panic journey began. I learned some hard truths about the lives that I had "dropped" and I believe the information sorta hit me like a brick. But since then I've had time to soak-in that information. While the processing goes on about that situation, I'm getting more comfortable with that truth and how I deal with that information.

So don't worry too hard about me, I am alive and kicking. Later as I process this information I'll feel more comfortable discussing it. Just realize what's done is done and all you can do is ask forgiveness and move on. The overwhelming theme is, don't let mistakes rule your moment. Do your best to ask forgiveness and carry on.

Just to let you know that all hospitals in the United States have financial assistance based on income. Go the hospitals website and type in financial assistance, usually it's on their billing page. Hospitals don't advertise this, if you want to send me a PM I will be more then happy to help. Anxiety can cause real physical problems. My first panic attack put me in the ER, not fun. I have class B commerical drivers license and i have to have a DOT physical. I was rushing around that day totally stressed out and when I got my blood pressure taken it was through the roof. I never had my BP that high. It really woke me up on how our body is effected by our thoughts.

[fduop]

I appreciate your kind words snowghost57, and yes the hospital has me on the easy payment plan. I've been dealing with panic and anxiety since 1999, and for the most part have been able to work using medication (Paxil then Fluoxetine) and therapy.

I would hope being a commercial driver would be an good fit for someone suffering panic. Simply because you're usually alone although your on the road. I found that working by myself worked best. But once your mind wonders into "what if-ville" I found that if you say to yourself "okay you're panicking" "so let's get this over with" "I got work to do" Surprisingly enough I usually calm down. Letting go and accepting what is happening and not fighting it more or less works in fighting the feelings. Hope this helps snowghost57, best to you on your journeys.

[fduop]

Good morning. I never thought I'd see the days where I would be too busy to catch up with friends I enjoy talking to, but apparently I have. The past few weeks have been busy between putting a new book together and keeping up with the writing I currently do, I often wonder if I'm putting too much on myself?

But that's a good thing isn't it? Isn't that the whole goal here to feel some degree of normalcy? When I began this journey all I wanted to do is find myself again. But what you discover along the way is that what you were may have been the problem all along. What do you do then? It's a little late to tear the play book and start over, right?

Maybe the best thing to do is refine the playbook. Tweak a few things you know are wrong and work from there. In my life there are a few things about myself I'd just assume forget. But trying to forget them sometimes only makes you remember them some more. Maybe the thing is to accept the flaws you have and work to overcome them, to make them into assets instead of liabilities. In my own life I know I can be a bit critical of the people around me. But I'm working to let some things just roll off my back and let them go.

That's how you do it. Like I said, it may not be an easy plan. But at the moment it works for me and that's all we can do. Try. So thank you for listening to my sad story and how NMP helps me a lot just by being here as a sounding board. Remember to love yourself, the rest is easier (?). Don't just give in, fight for what you know is right.