just cant talk to people

[gregcool]

still i have this isue when it comes down to talking to people.it just isnt getting any better even with exposure..iv been in a homeles shelter now for 43 days and night and got to know everyone hear.but still i cant chat to people without getting a phobia.i feel uncomftable and unusual.and cant join in.i start feeling tired and anxious.when will this ever get better.what makes it go away and also when i talk i become very aware of my own voice and that makes me stop talking.help

[Annie0904]

Does this just happen when you are in a room with a group of people? Do you manage to speak better one to one?

[gregcool]

hapens when all in a room together and is even worse one to one...esp if there is someone loud and confedent..as i say i just cant join in and se to have nothing to say to anything there talking about.and if one to one.i find that really hard all that focus on me.and eye contact when talking is very hard and when i look away im sure they pick up on this and feel i have no confedance

[Oosh]

I think thats it greg, its having no confidence or self esteem.

Ive had social anxiety forever. I know what it feels like.

The more confident and secure you are in yourself, your ability, your likeability, the less of a problem you have with speaking to others.

The more comfortable you feel with the individuals there, the less afraid youll be of negative reactions like embarrassment, ridicule etc

I dont imagine youve got much confidence after what youve been through and i dont imagine you trust the people around you a great deal.

Im not surprised at all that you feel like you do.

I know you say one on ones bother you too but i always found one on ones with someone you could trust the best place to start.

Find situations where you can get to talk to one other person who you feel is trustworthy, kind etc

When you have no confidence you have to build up a collection of experiences that shows you

1. you can do it
2. you are likeable
3. people respond positively to you
4. you observe that you actually have skills and qualities at this
etc

As those things build so does your belief.

When faced with these situations you describe then youll think of your successes and abilities and will have the confidence and belief to speak out, which in turn creates more evidence and positive experiences to build confidence.

But without those positive experiences you have no belief.

Find someone you feel will be easy to talk to. Someone mature and unlikely to be anything but friendly.
Think how THEY are feeling.
Forget about yourself, focus only on them.

Who are they ?
What do they like ?
What have they been through.
What might they need ?
Focus only on them.
What is there to like about them ?
See them as your friend.

Like them !
Find reasons to like them !
Are they strong, funny, witty, compassionate etc
They pick up on it that you like them and we tend to like those who like us.

Think what, in the conversation, YOU can give THEM.
ie
A compliment.
Communicate that you like or respect something about them.
You find them funny.
Be interested in them.
Can you put a smile on their face. They seem really nice and may have had a hard time and they might like that and you`d feel great for giving them that.
Anything, but be thinking of them and not you.

Your focus is off you and youre giving to people which makes it increasingly likely that people will respond positively to you.
Good experiences grow, belief grows and talking to others ceases to be a problem.

Can you get involved with any clubs or groups in your area where you could meet like minded people who you feel comfortable developing friendships with ?

Hobbies ?
Interests ?
Support groups ?
Walking groups ?


Singles use these things all the time to meet other singles.

[gregcool]

thanks oosh.all makes perfect sence.just wish i could behave in the way you sugest.my confedance is shattered and have no self esteam...i watch everyone around me chatting and laughing and just dream and remember that i used to be like that.instead im sitting there thinking of how im feeling inside as it all goes on.i feel left out.i want to join in but just cant.and the sad thing is that no one knows what is going on in my head when im in the mix of it

[Oosh]

No problem. I know exactly what it feels like.

Confidence comes and goes. You can do it. You just need some belief back.

I think you also (maybe) might need to come to terms with the past.
Do you find that particular incidents in your past consistently, still, bother you and sap your confidence and self esteem ?
If so, you need to talk that stuff through with someone and feel comfortable with it.

As a bloke I know how these things can play on your mind.

Make sure there's no dirty great foot from the past with its foot on your self esteem, keeping you feeling low.

Groups are hard. Start with those simple scenarios. Force yourself into these new simple scenarios. Create some new experiences that build your confidence back up.
You'll be so glad you did, in the future, when you look back and see that those steps you took and confidence you rebuilt brought you lots of good new things.

Have you ever thought of helping old people. Care work etc ?
Even homecare where it's just you and them for a small time each day.

Elderly people like this are crying out for help and a friendly face. As well as earning some money it could be a great way to build up your confidence, make friendships and bring happiness to people's lives.

Take some positive action like this. You'll thank yourself for it in the future.

[Annie0904]

Really good comments from Oosh there Greg. You have had so much going on the past few years that it is no wonder your confidence has been knocked. Follow the good advise from Oosh. You can and will get your confidence but it takes little steps and a lot of effort. Focus on your achievements however small (and the big ones like driving to Birmingham )

[gregcool]

thanks guys.all possitive feedback.little steps.i just thought after 44 days at the night shelter i would have gained some confedance by now.sitting in the same room every night etc..every day i wake my mind quickly goes to negative mode.even after a good 9 hrs sleep.just wake up feeling dull and anti social towards everyone.i think being out of work isnt helping.just feels like im never going to get back the old me that i miss so very much.....oh what it must be like to feel relaxed and just chat

[Catherine S]

Hi Greg, sorry if I missed a previous post about it but didn't you move into a new flat a little while back, or did you decide against it? I remember you saying you were nervous about the idea.

ISB x

[Magic]

Yes, I thought you were moving into a flat of your own greg.
Did you decide against it?