I'm Commtting to the Work of CBT; Is This a Support Group?

[Noitark]

I guess I'm dealing with both grief, and emotional rejection, and I have attachment trauma, but more to the point, I have emotional numbness, but shrinks have repeatedly not followed the literature of how to cure it, as in that of Laurence Heller.

As I see it, to forgive my mother, is to give up both control of her, and myself, and I refuse to do so. Folks say that it isn't, but I don't believe it.

I don't trust others, because they don't give me a reason to change my calculus, but it is emotionally held.

I guess that I can reframe things, however; I have an idea, and I think I'll try it.

[AntsyVee]

Well, without knowing more about your situation, I can't really advise which method of therapy would be best.

But I do know from having my own parent issues, that a great book out there is Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I would start there.

[Noitark]

Well, I 'm going to send out an email to therapists requesting help, because they keep balking at effective support, and it keeps frustrating, because they keep raising ethical objections, and there needs to be a way around them.

And I'll share it here, probably, explaining all about my needs.

Basically, I want them to give me the steady moral support my mother didn't give me, back when I was fighting Chris. I want them to back me up morally when confronting my mother, and also when I confront the pastors and other counselors who didn't back me up over the years, and rebuke them for wronging me, and not helping, in a rite of cleansing.

I can't change the past, but I can at least feel the support I should have, years, back when I needed it. And that ability to trust someone when taking a stand over principle is what matters to me, and what I care about.

Healing, per the best of the literature.

Oh, and for more access for my story, read my blog, unthawedfury.wordpress.com.

[Noitark]

Here's my email:

I could bore you with my many trials 'n tribulations, but as you can see from my blog (unthawedfury.wordpress.com) I have Adult Developmental/Attachment Trauma symptoms in the Preoccupied/Ambivalent style, but in any case, I'm seeking a therapist that can work with me to cure my emotional numbness. The old-fashioned way to heal numbness is the one this book --Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship by Dr. L:aurence Heller--describes. It's my main symptom, and I wish had a book solely focusing on it, given how "numbness" has been variously dubbed as being emotionally frozen, emotionally numb, emotional blunting, a chronic “freeze response,” flat, flatlining, dissociated, learned helplessness, collapsed, apathy, repressed anger, alexithymia, anhedonia, hypoactive, and, I’m sure, more--but I don't, friends. I just feel little drive, passion--and a lack of endorphins, but whatever you call it, there’s just blame little literature upon the subject--as much as I've tried following it.

As is, I've read books by Peter Levine and Dr. Heller, with Heller pointedly saying (see my Heller book notes at the bottom of this email) that the only way to escape the frozen state is (with the possible exception of Somatic Experience)--and I kid you not--an "aggression response," but the trouble is, most therapists aren't prepared to accept this, which in, light of the literature (including that wonderful website by attachment trauma survivor Kathy Brous), is remarkable. "Forgiveness 'n mercy" doesn't resolve attachment trauma, but action and emotional support does, yet even so, I know from over ten years' bitter experience that most talk therapists don't get what instinct and education confirmed, plus it isn't like I haven't pursued a plethora of therapists, ideas--and modalities.

Before this, I tried many other things for numbness as diverse as Somatic Experiencing, hypnosis, meditation/breathwork, Trauma Release Exercises, EEG neurofeedback, hyperthermia, EMDR, psychedelics, and dieting--but that's not not even counting the other therapies I've attempted to try, but wasn't able to--like individual emotion-focused therapy, Cranial-sacral, CBT, CIMBS, Susan Johnson's Emotional Focusing Therapy, and Laurence Heller's NARM, as well as other groups, like Asperger Experts. Hypnosis hasn't really worked for me since I shutdown, nor has breathwork, and for a lot of these other things, such as Trauma Release, I only wish I'd known them when I was younger, given they'd probably work better on me hyperaroused, instead of hypo. Hyperthermia at minimum is fun, psychedelics was life-changing, and EMDR and neurofeedback both made a real impact, but dieting, namely eating better, and supplementation--niacin, I'm lookin' yer way--did the most, sharpening my memory, eliminating brain fog, and eliminating all remaining traces of chronic fatigue, excessive urination, constant coldness and panic attacks. I may still be shutdown, but I can at least "shift gears," up till this last year, I've not been able to do so in my entire life.

Somatic Experiencing had some interesting results, but my therapist moved away before we could follow up. I got into a trance (hypnosis doesn't seem to to work with me in my current freeze state) with her twice, and each time, my left arm tensed up, like it belonged to the Hulk, which is interesting, because that is the arm I use to strike into my left palm, when stressed, but neither time was cathartic, and as I said, the sessions were discontinued. I have since tried to find another Somatic Experiencing therapist within the Greater Puget Sound, but have found not the best success replicating either her skill or results with another therapist, let's just just say.

Looking even further afield over Skype, I've tried to find just decent expert on my condition to work with anywhere--and failed. As is, the only true Attachment Trauma/Somatic Experiencing expert (the exact term I've been seeking is "attachment-based") I've talked to, in my knowledge, is Beverly Kune, from New Mexico, who said she could not Skype me, per certain rules, which seem to affect not just her, and if so limits my options a lot more than they would otherwise seem.

And if you're you're thinking I've been searching too specific, then you're probably wondering why I've not tried the list of Psychology Today therapists (as well as Somatic Transformation, Sidran, Open Path Collective, Emdria, the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, the International Institute for Traumatic Stress Studies, the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation, attachmenttraumanetwork.org, GoodTherapy.org, Sharon Stanley's Somatic Transformation referrals, and Diane Poole Heller's directory) in my area, but oh yes--I have; I emailed EVERY "attachment-based" therapist listed on the first twenty pages Psychology Today emanating from a 98584 area code, so that that tree is shook. Psychology Today also has a nice category of Somatic therapists, but not SE ones, so it is hunt 'n peck, and I've not found a single suitable one there either, though I have wasted time 'n money on a couple other Somatics from other modalities, plus local areas like Washington State's Behavioral Health Resources (BHR), but to sadly lackluster results. (What can I say--I've tried!)

I've done my due diligence and if you at least know of someone not yourself that can help, by all means, please notify, and that means any old therapist that that's ready to help facilitate my aggression response--be it both actively, and passively. I've called some of you multiple times, given you're on multiple lists, so if you've heard from me before, please forgive--I'm not spamming, I just haven't found an effective, affordable therapist yet--despite having at least contacted well over six hundred of you.

As my record shows, I do believe I've pursued help with focus, flexibility, and thoroughness; if you're within fifty (or maybe more) miles, believe me, I'll find a way to reach yas, so pray don't excuse yourself because it'd be "difficult" fro me to get there, because I don't care; I've been turned down by several doctors I wanted to see, really thought they could help, based on their assumptions about me, and not my own, which is just about the biggest face slap you you can muster. I'll be the judge of whether you're worth seeing, and if you're affordable, and I can get to you, that's all that matters, and finding aid curing my numbness may well be part of the cure.

How can you help me accept I may be wrong, if you're not open to the possibility that I might even possibly be right...? I'm open to contemplate the possibility of ponies and puppies, because it would be nice, but if you reject my premise of death 'n destruction simply 'cuz it's scary, well, who's being more open-minded...? To overcome one's numbness, simply follow through on your thwarted aggression response, and thus express your true self--and emotions, but what exactly is my aggression response which I seek moral support for, be it direct or indirect? Confront ALL the people who refused to validate and support--that's what--encourage and facilitate. I know you therapists have codes of conduct and the like, but I really need a work-around, here, be it through a therapist, or otherwise, that can help me go through a process, and grieve through it, as I am about to be rejected by a great many people, and so be it. Your predecessors should've supported me, so please don't offer conditional acceptance for me not channeling my aggression, like them. Your job--actively and passively--is simply to support, whilst I do the heavy lifting.

Remember, I am not pursuing forgiveness, or am I even trying escape trauma, but instead a specific symptom. Anger is energy; let's take advantage of it, instead of having it bottled--and figure out how to work with it, instead of fighting it. I can also do, and have done--Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but if you want me to question my beliefs, are you willing to question yours? CBT involves re-examination of belief, but to my frustration, I just wind up getting told--even outright--that my viewpoint is "narrow minded," even when I am still in the process of evaluation, and analysis. Being told you're wrong after you in good faith placed your beliefs on the table isn't gonna convince anyone you're wrong, but that has happened more than once to me in therapy, and it hasn't helped, I can assure; I'm being as vulnerable as I can, and I only hope you can match my honesty, because I'm tired of going in circles.

Sincerely.

*You have to provide us copies of medical bills that you still owe a balance, these can be old bill as long as it is still owing, For medical bills you have incurred while in your 6 month certification period whether you paid them or not you would provide copies of those also to help meet your spend-down amount. You can either provide it or have the providers fax it to DSHS at 1-888-338-7410. Phone: 1-800-865-7801.

My Notes on
Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller & Aline LaPierre (sorry,can't recall the exact edition, for the moment, but'll look it up, if you press)

Page 3 : Core capacities (5)
Page 6: Emotional dysregulation.
Page 11: Survivor style und. authority.
Page 12 : Integrating aggression.
Page 23-24: Effect. coping with strong emotions.
Page 108: Depr. & opioids.
Page 118, par. 4: Not one event–misattunement.
Page 120-121: Effects of chr. thr.
Page 128, 130: Forgotten traumas.
Page 131: Stages of dissociation.
Page 140 par. 3, final sent.: Narrow lives.
Page 141 par. 1: Theme relief.
Page 150: Split-off aggression.
Page 151: Dist. aggression; healthy aggression.
Page 157: Signs
Page 192: Int. & ext. resources.
Page 118: Completing fight-flight.
Page 224: Last sentence…?
Page 333: Feral.
Page 284: Integrating rage.

[AntsyVee]

I wouldn't put your contact information on this forum. Anyone can see it!

[Noitark]

Any comments other than that, spider...?