Hi everyone,

I have suffered from HA from a young age, my parents split when I was 7, I was uprooted from my home in England to a new home in Scotland through the night! It was a Pretty traumatic event, I went from being a happy 7 year old with friends to a miserable 7 year old who was always fending off bullies for being English! I was scared to go out and play and I can remember starting to feel nervous when I new my dad was coming to visit but not understanding why! During this time I begun to convince myself that I was sick when I wasn’t, if a bug went around I’d catch it in my mind etc, I would constantly wash my hands because I thought I’d get sick if I didn’t.

That was the start! And my life for about 4 years until I moved back to England with my dad and reconnected with friends which gave me the confidence to go out of the house and lead a normal life. After gaining some confidence I decided I had some unfinished business in Scotland and returned when I was 22 to be with my mum and sister. I had friends this time and things were good.

During a game of football I hurt my shoulder and started to get shooting pains across my chest, this is when I really started to freak out! I was convinced I had a heart problem.

I had endless trips to the doctor and then one day I had a panic attack and went to hospital! I had been worrying for months and months until my panic attack come about! I went to the hospital and Obviously my ECG was fine and this was so reassuring to me and a massive weight lifted.

I don’t particularly remember serious HA again until I was 28 but then the worry about my heart came back, I get seriously nervous, stressed and worried when my heart rate goes up or I can feel it or the pains start and I can feel pins and needles in my finger tips!

I have to admit was no saint through my 20’s and experimented with some drugs and drunk at the weekends and sometimes through the week! Great times but the fear was setting in and it was about my heart! I stopped all of the drugs when the nights out become too often as it’s not healthy to fall in to that lifestyle. I’m not proud of this but what’s done is done!

From here I’ve had prolonged periods of anxiety which has led to panic attack and I’ve had 3 major attacks, all roughly a year or so apart, after the first two I recall feeling lowsey for a week afterwards but managed to get a grip and shrug it off! Between the 2nd and the third I was engaged but lost my partner after she never came through an operation to remove a benign brain tumour, I did keep strong and positive during the graving period and was there for her family who really struggled but this was a horrific ordeal which saw me by her side for 7 weeks in intensive care. I did begin to think I had cancers, tumours heart problems etc for about 2 years after her passing and was being that strong for everyone else I probably neglected my of greaving.

I’ve since met someone else and we are due to be married in Oct this year! And we are doing a 100 mile walk in July over 5 days, whilst I’ve been training and battling the HA it seems to have gotten the better of me, I had a panic attack after being woken from a sleep with pain in my shoulder and a nightmare ! I freaked, sweating! Pain, heart racing! Since then I’ve been suffering with depersonalisation and derealisation and it’s taken approx 4 weeks of up and downs and educating myself about anxiety and how powerful it can be to start getting on top again!

I had to to the hospital again as my heart rate was 125 when I was out with friends, I had done a two hour hill walk the day before and then had a day in the pub watching a cup final, I drunk a couple too many and went to bed at 12but was woken at 4 and couldn’t fall back asleep! The fear set in and I was panicking because I could feel my heart but my ECG says I’m good! Doctor says I’m good! And I’ve been fighting so hard to tell myself that I am ok! And I’ve started to feel normal again! I’ve had amitriptyline 20mg to help with pain to a torn rotator cuff injury! They said it might also help the anxiety but it’s usually higher doses for that!

I’m now no longer getting days of impending doom, I’ve felt it once this week for a couple of hours! Getting my mood up helps! It really does, I now have feeling that my brain might exploid because there’s so much temptation to over think and I think my brain is trying to find a way to bring the full on anxiety back! I do feel worse when I’m down or particularly tired! I’m hoping it does completely go but for now it’s such an improvement I can’t believe! I’ve even felt so pumped at times that I’m thinki I love life right now in this moment! But then there’s just an odd feeling now and again that brings you back down to earth! Part of the recovery? Or will I never be rid of anxiety completely? I now use a CBT approach to help rationalise my thoughts, I take a breath and count to 5 if I feel an angry reaction to a situation!

I now need to pick up my training again for our walk! This was a big fear to me! Will I drop down dead during it from a heart issue?! Byt I think back to what the doctors say and I think about heart palpitations I’ve had in the past and then exercised through it and not dropped dead! If my heart was bad would I be able to do that! Probably not!

HA is an awful thing but be confident, be rational, use logic and evidence to help your thoughts and change your thinking patterns.

Bit of a life story there but I hope it helps someone, would love to hear if anyone else experience off days during recovery? Oh and I’ve took my amitriptyline down to 15mg.

God bless guys, think positive stay positive and be positive, love yourself and the people in your life.