Make me normal make it go away PLEASE

[mum2four]

I just tryed to ring the place that set my panic attact off last tuesday again today. I took 1 whole benzo before well before i rang I felt good my heart wa recing I was shacking ect but i felt like I cluld still talk and when thay answered I did talk and was talking freely very freely and calmly or as calm as I could keep my self with my body scream RED ALLERT RED ALLERT ect. I was talking to them and he keep asking to calm down and the more he said the harder it became to stay calm I started crying and he still keep telling me to calm down. He ketp saying thing like your not going like my answer how do think you handle my answer. If we arange a family counciling will you listen to the advise cause it will focus on you alot (like Il the reason she is the way she is) I couldn't keep calm so before I made him angry enought hang up or say something that might me feel like he didnt think i was safe to be around my kids(which so far from the turth it's not funny) nin hung up the phone and threw it on the ground and screamed. then i layed on my bed and I couldn't move I could think my thought didn't go crazy like normal no scream just nubmness no erg's self harm or rock or tap just numb. Then I moved about 15 later and started to cry so hard thinking why cant I be normal why cant I just talk to people with out crying with out making my heart pump so hard it's going to jump out my cheast one day why do I shack and why cant I be normal. I want answer's for my daughter I want need asnwer's but obousiously it not time yet Obviously I still not normal enought to make sence to people. I must be some alian expreiment put here to make people angry at me. I want the hurt to stop i want the pain to stop I want to be normal I want to feel the same with adults as i feel around my kids. My emotion have control over me and i have never had much control over them unless I keep my mouth shut.

I'm sitting her feeling numb right now how do i ever expect to beable to hget job like this. At least my thoughts are not scream at me so loud that i feel like curling up in a ball and blocking my ears.

[mum2four]

I feel better now but I still wish I new why I cant be normal why talking to people is so hard speicaly adult's between the he age of 30 and 50 I feel like elderly people and kids are easy to talk to and teen's and young adult's are uncomfortable to talk to and be around but not as hard as older adult's.

When I hear words like calm down dont get upset i cant help but get more upset. when I hear negative word like no and dont ect i get anxious and can have panic attack's if i dont get away from people who wont stop talking negatively to me or about me or some thing that feel is very improtant to me. I try so hard to not cry and get up set but i cant help it I just do. my heart race's and i get the shake's ect.

[rois]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad at the mo, I understand what you mean about talking to different people but being unable to talk to others. For me I can talk to other girls and boys that I know but can't talk to boys I don't know cos I feel they're judging me and I get self-conscious and panicky. You're not an alien but again it is understanable why you feel that way, and it's only natural you want to be normal, we need to ask what normal is. I read on one of the other posts that we panick because we are so intelligent and our mind creates different scenarios which are never likely to happen but it just blows everything out of proportion, I think about this adn take it as a compliment [8D] of our intelligence, hope you feel better soon, rois

"Ther goes the fear, let it go. You turn around and life's passed you by, you look to those you love to justify...there goes the fear."

[mum2four]

I know what you mean about being smart and maybe our brain cant ahndle that for some reason.

I often feel like people cant understand me because my brain is veryu logical thay say I'm not but I am or I woildn't be able to do logic problem that I love so much No one I know can do a logic problem but that make sence to me. I use to be able to look a math sum and know the answer I was no math genious but simple and slighlty complecated sum I could do in my head while people were looking a calculater. I do feel like I'm smart and differnet in that way but then i feel like I might get a big head or something I use that as my strenght to get past the anxiety.

[rois]

I also think that's a mistake we make, well I make anyway, we don't praise ourselves enough and always put ourselves down, I know I do anyway cos we're afraid that people will think we're over-confident

"Ther goes the fear, let it go. You turn around and life's passed you by, you look to those you love to justify...there goes the fear."