Citalopram Withdrawal, worst anxiety of my life.

[LiveAboveIt]

22 days of Citalopram after quitting and Im having the worst anxiety of my entire life. I never had anxiety like this in my life.. It is completely baseless. The only fear that I have is feeling like this forever.

But its impossible to selftalk. No matter how positive you are it just stays the same in severity and its all day, everyday. Its not the moderate anxiety we all struggle with.. Its not even at panic attack level, its just pure unadulterated severe anxiety. Ive gotten used to it so Im able to just live my life despite it.. but regardless, its always there and never changes and my thoughts are always anxious. It even feels strange, its just a strange numb anxiety thats more a state of mind that you cant escape from or find respite with positive thoughts or acceptance.

Im starting to worry that Im going to be like this forever because it seems impossible to come to terms because its screwing with my perception and is actually controlling my thoughts. It just doesnt seem to ever settle and its driving me nuts. I cant reinstate the Citalopram because I had such a horrible reaction to it.. Frankly I dont want to get on anymore meds because Im already 3 weeks off and I dont want to go through this again. Id just have to wait 4 weeks or more for new pills to kick in anyway.

Everyone who knows me keeps trying to reaffirm that this is withdrawals and supposedly everyone can see the pattern, but I cant wrap my head around it or accept it. I keep assuming that this is just incredibly severe anxiety and that my thoughts are fueling it.. Ive been practicing acceptance and mindfulness for 2 weeks or so and hasnt made a dent. Even when I decide that I dont care and Im going to ignore it and do something else, my mind forcefully starts to shove worrying thoughts about it at me.. Its not even the thoughts that bother me, its the fact that I cant focus my brain on anything else without it taking the reigns and going somewhere else.

I feel like a spectator in my own head. Is this seriously anxiety/withdrawals or am I losing mind? Are meds the only thing that can fix this constant high anxiety state about nothing? This is so abnormal for me.

I dont avoid anything. Ive been making sure to leave the house everyday and stay active/interact with people. Nothing scares me anymore aside from the way I feel. It has completely skewed my sense of reality. I dont feel relief or comfort anywhere I ho, not even at home. Even benzos dont help, they just make me tired. It feels like the artifical anxiety that you get when you first start an SSRI, but without any sort of break, its just constant and unwaivering.

Ive dealt with anxiety my whole life and learned how to manage it very well. It didnt get this bad until I startes screwing with antidepressants, which obviously makes me terrified to get on anything else.

Sorry about the double thread, Im not sure how that happened.

[Suziewuzie]

I wonder if how you're feeling is all down to Citalopram withdrawal & not also your anxiety because the way you describe your feelings is exactly how I have felt, and do still feel at times. I especially relate to feeling like a spectator in your own head. It's good that you're not letting it interfere with your life & still go out and do things, but I know what you mean about it taking over your thoughts & I completely relate to not feeling at home anywhere.
How's your memory? I'm finding that sometimes I have to sit and remind myself what I've done the day before & even though I know I've done things, it doesn't feel like it was real.
I don't know buddy. I just feel your pain xx

[LiveAboveIt]

Its very possible. I dont necessarily believe that withdrawals are causing the anxiety, as I obviously had anxiety beforehand, it just feels much worse and unrelenting. I think Im losing my ability to cope, it seems as though I cannot be positive anymore and the anxiety has a razor sharp edge that I cant tolerate anymore. It seems to randomly get better at the end of the night.. I can still feel it and Im still thinking about it, but the intrusive thoughts are much less frequent and the mental anguish is lowered.

It feels like since discontinuing the Citalopram, because my emotions are all over the place, I have lost my ability to cope with stress and cannot naturally feel relaxed or find any sort of solace..

So maybe its not necessarily the anxiety that is all that worse, but instead my ability to cope. Im constantly raging and tense, I dont appear to have any sort of buffer or ability to calm down and relax anymore.

I would try reinstating the Citalopram, but I did so horribly on it this last time that Im terrified to ever take it again and I know that switching to a new pill would probably just make matters worse with startup symptoms at the very least.

Im really at a loss as to what to do. I guess I could always try to start taking Klonopin again and just wait it out, but I dont know how to get my stress coping back, every emotion is erratic and has a hard edge to it.

[Mojo61]

I'm sorry to hear you are having a horrid time coming off your meds. Can I ask why you stopped taking them if that's not too nosey?

[LiveAboveIt]

I'm sorry to hear you are having a horrid time coming off your meds. Can I ask why you stopped taking them if that's not too nosey?

Not a problem. I have been on them fine in the past, but this time they caused a ton of severe side effects that persisted all 5 weeks. Blurred vision, High BP, Increased Anxiety, Emotional Numbing, IBS Issues. The main side effect for me was cognitive impairment. It was causing severe mental confusion and memory issues, slurred words, brain fog, etc. It was severe enough to keep me from functioning. This was on 20mg.

After lowering down to 10mg, a lot of the side effects greatly diminished. I considered that 20mg was too high of a dose and that maybe I should stay on 10mg, but I was too afraid that the cognitive issues were permanent and I was worried that it wasnt the pill, so I wanted to discontinue it partially to check and also to feel normal again because the side effects were so distressing this time around.

They persisted a couple weeks after discontinuation, but have diminished to the point that I rarely notice them anymore.

I do consider getting back on them, but I hate the idea of being on meds and I cant seem to ever stop worrying about the side effects long enough to deal with my anxiety. I want to see if I can do it on my own. Its proving to be a difficult task.

[Mojo61]

Isn't it odd that some people can take citalopram perfectly well the first time around, yet when they try it again at a later date it causes problems? This is not the first time I've heard of this and it just seems bizarre. I mean if we can take other drugs on a ad hoc basis, say for instance pain relief or cough and cold remedies without issues then why wouldn't the citalopram work in exactly the same way 2nd or 3rd time around?

---------- Post added at 17:12 ---------- Previous post was at 17:12 ----------

I agree that the side effects are horrible, although this seems to be the case for all of the antidepressants according to what I've read.

[LiveAboveIt]

Yeah, it really is crazy. I imagine it all has to do with how these meds actually affect us. Being mind altering psychotropic medications, they do much more to us than other medications.. all sorts of chemical changes in our brains, they screw with our receptors and how neurotransmitters work. I think a lot of it has to do with Serotonin, as it is used in almost every part of the body.

You can really feel what they due to you during withdrawal. So taper slowly and dont ever cold turkey if you can help it.

[Mojo61]

I never would, I'd prefer to stay on them long term than to come off them too soon.

[karenp]

I was always totally fine coming off Citalopram but Mirtazapine made me so ill I had my head down the loo every day for about a month the anxiety was so terrible, even worse than benzo withdrawal. But it did pass, I promise xxx

[LiveAboveIt]

I was always totally fine coming off Citalopram but Mirtazapine made me so ill I had my head down the loo every day for about a month the anxiety was so terrible, even worse than benzo withdrawal. But it did pass, I promise xxx

How long did the Mirtazapine withdrawal last? Also, I was given Klonopin .5mg to take to get through some of the tough stuff, is the Benzo withdrawal anything I need to worry about? I only take one or half of one a day.