Pure O and alcohol

[AJC3]

Hi. First time on posting on here. I have a messed up situation that only I seem to be able to get myself into. Here goes:

I was diagnosed with Pure O OCD back when I was about 21 years old (now 34). For years my only obsession was about being a Pedophile. But, about 6 years ago I found a new hobby, brewing beer. This hobby tuned into a passion. For the last 6 years I have had obsessive thinking that I am now or will turn into an alcoholic. Who cares? Just give up alcohol, you shouldnt be drinking it if you have OCD anyway right? Well I'm very close to achieving my dream of brewing beer professionally and supporting my family through this career path. Either the OCD or the fear that I actually am an alcoholic has taken my passion for beer away from me. I dread being around beer bc all I can think about is that I am doing something wrong, that I shouldnt be drinking. I constantly monitor how I feel when having a drink. I cant stop the monitoring even though most of the time I only have 1 or 2 beers a couple times a week. I do occasionally indulge a little more than just 1 or 2, I'll get drunk at a party or wedding. Overall, I actually think I am a responsible drinker.

One of the main thoughts that reinforces my obsession is that I crossed the line into being an addict years ago. I used to abuse drugs and alcohol. I misused them and abused them for years. I partied very hard in highschool and college. I abused adderall for a few months. Taking more and more all the time until one day I just didnt want to do it anymore and stopped. You'd think that would be enough to tell me I'm not an addict, the fact that I stopped on my own without any trouble. But nope, my brain is holding on to this little fact as ammo against me. Or maybe I really am an addict and shouldnt be drinking. I dont know.

All I do know is that I am terrified. I havent found any peace in about a month.

[zjw]

I'm an alcholic and been sober for almost 6 years.

I can say your obsession over it at all to begin with is a concerning sign. I dont think non alcholics obsess over this sorta thing.

Being an alcoholic i'll obsess if i see otheres drinking it count there drinks really analyze how they drink constantly looking at how much booze is left. even tho i have no intention of drinking it at this point. I realize its not a healthy thing but i just blame my alcoholic past.

It could just be your OCD and nothing more. Maybe you just wanna obess over if there is an issue. and you know there is nothing wrong with keeping your finger on the pulse so to speak of your drinking making sure it doesnt get out of line. But that very same behavior is pretty darn close to what an alcholic does. For example i had little rules no drinking till after 5pm i'd monitor how much beer i had at any given time always making sure there was enough for each evening etc..

Given your past history and given your obsessive nature I can totally understand your concern. It would be all so simple if you didnt lvoe brewing beer and wnat to make a career move out of this.

Maybe you can take some time off from actually drinking it and have someone else be a taster for you. Remove that aspect from your brewing and see how you feel about it then. For example I used to think i loved cigarettes but couldnt care less about nicotine then one day i got a pack of nicotine free smokes and quickly realized i didnt like cigarettes much but i lvoed nicotine. The same could be true for you with brewing who knows maybe you do really like the alcohol to an unhealthy level?

Idealy i'd say walk away from this and dont play with fire. But I do realize its not that simple for you.

[AJC3]

The Thing is other than the obsessions, I dont think alcohol is negative effecting my life. I am honestly terrified that I am making a mistake if I take the brewing job because what if I really am an alcoholic. Then on the otherhand I am terrified that if I dont take the brewing job And it's just OCD then I am making a giant mistake and bound to stay stuck in the job I currently hate.

[zjw]

another thought is your battleing either OCD or alcoholism. Both brought on by this brewing job etc... If you cant tolerate the OCD or the possiblity of alcoholism. Maybe just walk from it dont do the job.

sometimes its easier to just do nothing till we have things sorted out. Some stuff is better left as a hobby too maybe?

I'm a runner. I'd love to go pro or something. But then i think if iw as pro it'd then be a job it might not be any fun after that.